Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, September 6, 2007


Michigan Sues Big Ten Officials

The officials who worked the Michigan-Appalachian State game got a nice big bonus today in the order of a nice lawsuit. This is in return for the payment they received before the game. While some people question if it was a bribe, Michigan’s AD stated that “it was to ensure a fair game was called”. While Panther Rants couldn’t contact Michigan’s Athletic Department, Lloyd Carr telepathically made this statement:

“While we give Appalachian State a lot of credit for their effort on Saturday, we feel the officials working the game did not give their full effort. Not enough holding penalties were called on the opposing team and we could have used some more pass interference calls. That last play, we could have used an off-sides call. I wasn’t asking for two seconds to be put back on the clock. All I wanted was what we paid for.”

In response to Carr’s statement, the officials released this statement:

“He’s kidding, right? We’re serious that this has to be a joke. How in the hell can you screw up a game against a 1-AA team? We gave them the calls they wanted. How many more penalties could we have called? A five yard penalty for running too fast? Should we have given Michigan a handicap similar to bowling leagues before the game? We gave them two extra seconds against Penn State in 2005. Next thing you know, they’re gonna want a round robin game if they lose this one.”

The lawsuit is still under review

’s Petition Rejected

Bobby Petrino was so enraged about his team’s 2006 point total being down from the year before, he filed a petition to the NCAA for a fifth quarter. Petrino didn’t like the idea of pulling his first team every 4th quarter during a blowout game and other games the team just couldn’t put up their 40-plus points like they always do. Petrino felt his team “needed more time”. Upset that his petition didn’t get much support, he quit his job and took the Atlanta Falcons job in the NFL.

Coach Steve Kragthope said his team isn’t upset.

“We figured it wouldn’t get much fanfare, says Kraththope, “Then again, we were still airing the ball out against Murray State. We were trying to break 100 points.”

Pitt QB Situation

With Bill Stull out indefinitely, Pitt’s coaching staff is working diligently to address their starting QB situation. Right now, it’s down to Kevan Smith and Pat Bostick. When asked about the starting QB and the depth, Dave Wannstedt offered his perspective:

“I remember coaching in Chicago back in 1996; we had a QB dilemma then. We were down to either Erik Kramer or Rick Mirer. Both of these guys were very good. Erik ended up winning the job. Although, I would be out of the job real soon, both guys did a very good job. I think Kevan and Pat may have more ability than those two.” Dave said telepathically.

As for the depth at QB, Pitt is looking at some players to walk-on. They brought in Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite for a workout. The staff was impressed with his arm strength as he threw a football all the way up the Duquesne Incline. Others being sought are Central High School star, Lavender “Bird” Williams. Lavander was a duel threat QB who led the Wildcats to championship under Coach Molly Mcgraff. The Panthers were looking at Texas State QB Paul Blake, but age and eligibility issues have surfaced.

Beano Cook Almost Hospitalized

Beano Cook was almost hospitalized on Saturday after Notre Dame’s loss to Georgia Tech on Saturday. Officials say that Beano had a panic attack later that night. Beano then spent the rest of his day talking about the days of Paul Hornung, Alan Page, Joe Montana, and the list went on. After that, officials felt it was just Beano being himself.

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