Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Enter the Free Laptops Zone
Good morning Panther fans. Welcome to the Factor for this Monday September 17, 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, unless there's a laptop giveaway. Well, despite a valiant effort by the defense this past Saturday, the Panthers fell to the Greek Sodomizers, 17-13. There were mostly positives to take away from this game, notably the performance of the defense, and the emergence of LeSean McCoy. The QB play was less than stellar, even downright Chicago Bears era Cade McNown-ish. True, this was the first road game, and literally 14th game ever at the position, for young Kevan Smith, but it was not pretty. In a shocking development, however, offensive coordinator Matt Cavanaugh and head coach Dave Wannstedt did something about the dismal play. They went to the so-called 'Wildcat' formation, made famous by Arkansas and Darren McFadden. Quick sidenote, the Factor finds it Zubaz-pissingly hilarious that Arky has a coach named Nutt and a quarterback named Dix. Throw in a Dong as a new AD, and you have the most phallic university since Obelisk State in Alexandria closed their doors in 57 B.C. You simply can't make this stuff up.
This week brings the insufferable University of Connecticut, also known as Free Laptops University, the topic of this weeks Wlatting Points Memo The slaps that attend this institution of correspondence learning are poseurs of the highest order, as they all for some reason feel they are New Yorkers. News flash, you're snooty, tea drinking, British sympathizers. These rocket scientists decided it would be a great idea to build a football stadium 57 miles from campus. Think Wlatting Points is kidding, look at the map!
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They did this in the event that Hartford could somehow attract the New England Patriots or some other professional football team. Of course, they couldn't support an NHL franchise, but these marketing geniuses think an NFL franchise will thrive in the area, population 2,200. This also probably explains the size of their stadium, which is just barely smaller than Thunderdome. All NFL franchises are attracted to stadiums that would be standing room only for a Dane Cook - Kathy Griffin double bill. The other reason to dislike Yukoners is their brazen cheating when it comes to their sports. This shouldn't surpise us, as they come from the same geographic area as the Kings of Cheating, the New England Patriots, but the manner of their cheating is what is so appalling. Your starting point guard steals 37 laptops? Suspend him for the Samford and Washington Generals games. The 3rd string point guard is also involved? Suspend him for the season. Oh, he just happens to have an injury that precluded him from playing this year anyway? That's just a happy coincidence. These clowns are almost Paterno-like in their arrogance, which is makes it exceedingly easy to hate them. Thus, it is with great joy that we here at Panther Rants announce the beginning of "Eff the Pinky-lifting Tories week". Stay with us all week as we provide the hard hitting-analysis and background information you'll need to mock the literally dozens of masculinity challenged UConn fans named 'Chip' and 'Preston' who wil descend on Heinz Field this Saturday in their stud mobiles (pictured below).