Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Enter the Free Laptops Zone


Good morning Panther fans. Welcome to the Factor for this Monday September 17, 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, unless there's a laptop giveaway. Well, despite a valiant effort by the defense this past Saturday, the Panthers fell to the Greek Sodomizers, 17-13. There were mostly positives to take away from this game, notably the performance of the defense, and the emergence of LeSean McCoy. The QB play was less than stellar, even downright Chicago Bears era Cade McNown-ish. True, this was the first road game, and literally 14th game ever at the position, for young Kevan Smith, but it was not pretty. In a shocking development, however, offensive coordinator Matt Cavanaugh and head coach Dave Wannstedt did something about the dismal play. They went to the so-called 'Wildcat' formation, made famous by Arkansas and Darren McFadden. Quick sidenote, the Factor finds it Zubaz-pissingly hilarious that Arky has a coach named Nutt and a quarterback named Dix. Throw in a Dong as a new AD, and you have the most phallic university since Obelisk State in Alexandria closed their doors in 57 B.C. You simply can't make this stuff up.

This week brings the insufferable University of Connecticut, also known as Free Laptops University, the topic of this weeks Wlatting Points Memo The slaps that attend this institution of correspondence learning are poseurs of the highest order, as they all for some reason feel they are New Yorkers. News flash, you're snooty, tea drinking, British sympathizers. These rocket scientists decided it would be a great idea to build a football stadium 57 miles from campus. Think Wlatting Points is kidding, look at the map!

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They did this in the event that Hartford could somehow attract the New England Patriots or some other professional football team. Of course, they couldn't support an NHL franchise, but these marketing geniuses think an NFL franchise will thrive in the area, population 2,200. This also probably explains the size of their stadium, which is just barely smaller than Thunderdome. All NFL franchises are attracted to stadiums that would be standing room only for a Dane Cook - Kathy Griffin double bill. The other reason to dislike Yukoners is their brazen cheating when it comes to their sports. This shouldn't surpise us, as they come from the same geographic area as the Kings of Cheating, the New England Patriots, but the manner of their cheating is what is so appalling. Your starting point guard steals 37 laptops? Suspend him for the Samford and Washington Generals games. The 3rd string point guard is also involved? Suspend him for the season. Oh, he just happens to have an injury that precluded him from playing this year anyway? That's just a happy coincidence. These clowns are almost Paterno-like in their arrogance, which is makes it exceedingly easy to hate them. Thus, it is with great joy that we here at Panther Rants announce the beginning of "Eff the Pinky-lifting Tories week". Stay with us all week as we provide the hard hitting-analysis and background information you'll need to mock the literally dozens of masculinity challenged UConn fans named 'Chip' and 'Preston' who wil descend on Heinz Field this Saturday in their stud mobiles (pictured below).

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

don't mind the connecticut insults.
I do mind that I wasted time on uninformed, stupid attempts at humor. BTW, how did pitt do at uconn's inadequate stadium the last two times?

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Go drink some tea, you whore.

Anonymous said...

Boy, that Temple game was awesome this weekend. Did Calhoun pay 'em off like he does his basketball players?

Anonymous said...

I've driven from campus to the Rent in 22 minutes. It would be nice on campus but the distance isn't that big a deal.

Anonymous said...

UCONNvict is a crap team and Pitt had better beat them by at least 3 TDs or it's a disgrace.

oh-fer-ever@theRent?!! said...

Hey genius,

everydayshouldbesaturday.com just called - they're not hiring at the moment.

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Thanks for stopping by! Tell your friends!

Anonymous said...

fuck connecticut, spread the word, love the humor

Johnny Majors said...

What's the matter Pitt fans? Have you not gotten your daily full facial from Paterno yet?

You losers will be OK, you just need to run faster.

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

I didn't think Johnny was technically savvy, nor sober enough, to use a computer. Welcome Johnny!

Anonymous said...

Its funny this article comes out the same day your point guard gets arrested.

Anonymous said...

Anyone have a stun gun? Ataboy Levance

Anonymous said...

What was UFRAUD's record in hoops last year again? How far did the George Bush look-alike go in the NCAA tournament? Oh yeah, that's right, you didn't make it past the first round of the Big East Tournament. But dont worry, you still have those mares on the women's team.

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Huksies. Is that a dog or your waist size?

Oh, by the way...

That's the dumbest [expletive] question I've ever heard. I've explained it a thousand times. I BLEEPed up. I didn't take a stun gun. Does that make you happy? It took Jack Cover [inventor of the stun gun] 18 months to convince [stun gun manufacturer] Omega to take the taser. I don't know what else you want me to say. I BLEEPed up. Write it. I BLEEPed up, for the fifth time ... It has been written about. It has been talked about; don't shake your [expletive] head, you asked a question. I'm telling you how I feel about it. I took an AK-47 and a muzzleloader. They're not bad. I can't get every gun.

Johnny Majors said...

Honestly I can't believe Pitt still has a football team. Not only that but it looks like you have that Miami Dolphins guy with the mustache as the coach. Win much? hahahahha

Anywhoooo, If I had to pick between Pitt and this UConn team from Alaska, I'm takin' the Alaskans. Yeah thats right you pussies.

Well I gots to go. Just got another text message from that fat ass Phil Fulmer.

UConn4life said...

stupid idiots I can make it to the rent in 25 minutes from my door on campus. I hate when people say that it is so far away. There are several backroads that are wonderful to drive on and mapquest does not show you these roads. You are dumb and stupid jerkface that does not know how to use a compiss. I hate you. We are awesome and you are dumb idiot.

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Everyone thank Ivan Drago fro stopping by.