Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tuesday Rants - UConn's still sucks and where were you 10 years ago?

Pitt's clash with the University of "I Need to get away from the crime in New York City" is only five days away and the folks at Panther Rants have already riled up some of it's die hards with our comments yesterday. So it only makes sense that we post summore shit to piss 'em off today. I mean, why not? What do we have better to do? Post serious analysis of the two teams? We leave that to the serious bloggers and the serious blogs.

Instead, the crack research team here at The Rants (which consists of one guy, a monkey and a pack of Velamints) have come up with the Five reasons why Pittsburgh is better than you.

5. Pittsburgh can retain its professional sports teams. And not only retain them, two of the three are thriving. The Steelers recently won their fifth Super Bowl and the Penguins, they of that leave you used to have a team from, are enjoying a resurgence under Sidney Crosby. Slapnecticut, on the other hand, had one shitty team that played in a shopping mall and they left because Hartford sucks and the mall refused to bring in an American Eagle and a Chic-fil-a.

4. Pittsburgh was the number one producer of steel throughout most of the 1900s. Many of the buildings throughout this country were built with steel made right here. And dammit, we have the black lung *cough* to prove it. The state of Connecticut was the number cause of sprawl, as Noo Yawkahs and people from Baaaahstun looked for any escape possible from rising crime, housing costs and taxes. Your Goddam mascot shouldn't be a dog. It should be an E-Z pass transmitter. You're not a state, you're a bedroom community.

3. Pittsburgh's favorite sports team is the Steelers. Connecticut's is the UCONN women's basketball team. UConn, along with Tennessee, remain the only two schools that not only support women's hoops, they LOVE THIS SHIT! Why? Does the local junior high team not provide enough layups for you? Do you honestly find Rebecca Lobo hot? Does seeing a 50-year-old Geno Auriemma screaming at a buncha' 20-year-olds make you proud to be an American? What is the fascination? Tell me...

2. Pittsburgh is the birthplace of Andy Warhol, Dennis Miller, Michael Keaton, Joe Namath, Tony Dorsett and Dan Marino. Connecticut gave us this guy right here. When you look at the sign at the gas station and think, "aww, sonofa...," thank Connecticut. When you grow sick of hearing war coverage on television, thank Connecticut. When your cost of living continues to increase while your wage stabilizes, again, thank Connecticut.
And finally...

1. Chris Berman: Yeah, thanks for this yammering tank of slapitude. We'll admit, when Berman first broke on the scene in the 1980s with his pithy nicknames and "back, back, back..." on home run calls we thought that it was hip, it was unique, it was cool, man.
Then we hit high school and we grew out of it. The problem is, this fat blabbermouth hasn't. "braack, braaack, braack..." shut the fuck up. And Chris, your Al Davis imitation when saying "Raiders" is now unintelligible. "Raaaaaaah Reeeyrahhhhhh" You're with me, leather.

And now on to things that actually matter....

Anyone remember what they were doing on this day 10 years ago? Well, lemme' refresh your memory: Pete Gonzalez, Pitt Stadium, and 21-17. Yes, while we sit here in year three of the Dave Wannstedt Era awaiting our first "signature" win (unless you consider victories over Grambling and Syracuse just freakin' HUGE) Wlat managed to give us not only a signature win but also an Omen. On a Thursday night on ESPN in front of a Homcoming crowd, Wlat's downtrodden buncha' slaps managed to pull the upset over the then-ranked Miami Hurricanes (hey, UConn, have you even PLAYED Miami? Let alone beat 'em about twice and lost to them about 600 times like we have?)

Since we're all pining for the big win, Panther Rants has discovered some of the game recap in archives and has posted it below.

Pete Gonzalez threw for two touchdowns and ran for another and safety John Jenkins' came up with a crucial interception with just over a minute remaining as Pittsburgh upset 21st-ranked Miami, 21-17, for its first win over the Hurricanes in 21 years.

Gonzalez completed 19-of-33 passes for 187 yards and ran for 66more to lead the Panthers (3-1, 1-0, Big East) to their first win over Miami since 1976, ending an eight-game losing streak.

"It's because of the confidence that coaches and the team have shown in me that I've accepted the role as a leader," said Gonzalez. "I've done what I'm supposed to do and I'm playing well, but I could play so much better in certain areas."

Trailing 7-0, Pittsburgh got on the board when Gonzalez tossed a four-yard touchdown to Terry Murphy. But the Panthers were penalized 15 yards for excessive celebration and Chris Ferencik's 33-yard extra-point attempt was wide.
Pittsburgh took the lead on Gonzalez's 10-yard TD strike to Jake Hoffart and made it 14-7 on running back Dwayne Schulters catch for the conversion. Gonzalez ran in the clinching score from 12yards out on the final play of the third quarter.

"They're tired of being mediocre, they want to be good,"Pittsburgh coach Walt Harris said. "Quite honestly, we've got a lot of areas that we can improve on, and we'll start doing that tomorrow. But I couldn't be more proud of our players right now."

And a decade later, WE'RE TIRED OF BEING MEDIOCRE. WE WANT TO BE GOOD. Seriously though, we couldn't have been more proud of Wlat...until Miami finished the season 5-6....and then we learned that Wlat was a master of capitalizing on overrated opponents (see: Notre Dame, 1999 and Penn State, 2000). And then, a mere two weeks and two days after the Miami game, we were really less proud when...

Elmarko Jackson had a pair of short touchdown runs in the first half and Temple's defense rose to the occasion late in the game as the Owls surprised Pittsburgh, 17-13, to record their first two-win season in the Big East Conference.

The Owls (2-4, 2-1 Big East), rumored to be on their way out of the conference due to poor play and even worse attendance,entered this season with only one victory in 34 games since the Big East created a football side in 1992. But Temple recorded an upset of Boston College in early September to match its five-year win total and exceeded it against Pittsburgh.


Anonymous said...

Banging some woman in turtle creek

Anonymous said...

That beats banging some turtle in woman creek

Sean O said...

UConn 34, Pitt 14.

Women's basketball is NOT the state's favorite sport. It's UConn MEN's basketball. Real sports fans in this state hate chickball with a passion. It gets coverage to appease the state's grandmothers and mothers. It is sad and pathetic and we deserve to be ridiculed.