Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Connecticut: A Brief Look

Dear readers, you all know how we at Panther Rants wish nothing more than the best for you. You how we love you. You know how we care about you. We are pacifists and love nature, patriotism, and words with the letters "C" "N" "U" and "T" in them.

But we hate Connecticut and would gladly watch it burn.

You are doubtless asking yourselves, "Why, Panther Rants? Why do you despise that overbearing dwarf of a state and the malcontents who live in it?" And the answer is simple, dear readers: because we can.

For instance, gaze upon the following picture:


Bear 'Mountain.' Yeah, that's right. Not only is the name boring as hell, it's not even a fucking mountain.In Connecticut....that's a mountain. They consider a gently rolling hill a mountain. Lara Flynn Boyle has more altitude while lying on her back.


Furthermore, the state animal is a sperm whale. A SPERM WHALE. We ask you, why does a state have as its animal a beast which cannot even walk on land? DNot from Connecticut, and proud of it.o Connecticut's borders fantastically stretch out into the vast ocean? Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist in their state. Are these magic borders? Did they buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

You need look no further than Connecticut's early history to fully grasp how stupefyingly useless it is. Two of its noted early leading men were Increase Mather and his son, Cotton. Read the names again. Increase and Cotton. For pious Puritans who were undoubtedly more righteous than the rest of the ilk with whom they lived, whoever came up with those names was smoking something funky on the peace pipe. Then they probably killed the Indian and raped his wife. "Good times!" Cotton is noted as having said.

The most habitable part of ConnecticutAnd that brings us to the Yankee-Pennanite Wars. Connecticuters apparently had the absurd idea that Pennsylvania was part of their territory, and moved there in large numbers. The Quakers, pacifists that they were, were decidedly displeased. But the Connecticuters knew better; they knew the land wasn't theirs. They just wanted to get out of that filthy cesspool known as Connecticut. "Charter my ass!" Increase Mather would have said. "I just want to get the hell out of here! Plenty more Indians to rape in the Wyoming Valley!

Oh, and not only they are responsible for providing Dubya, they're responsible for producing the guy who helped thrust him into office. Yes, Ralph Nader, most vile anThat's right, he was born in Connecticut too. He debated friggin' TOYS.d despicable of humans, the Hitler of our times. Oh, and despite John Brown being on the correct side when it came to slavery (he was an abolitionist, you dumbasses), going about it by murdering anyone and everyone who disagreed with you? Well, not the right way to go about things. Makes you seem like a bit of a loon. Harper's Ferry is gorgeous in autumn, though....and that's the only positive word about West Virginia you will EVER read on this site.

So join with Panther Rants, dear readers, in denouncing that filth from northeast. They deserve nothing better.

3 comments:

Nathan Hale said...

Pittsburgh Fans=Sausage fingered mouthbreathers.

UConn Fans=Highly evolved, wealthy and just plain better than you.

We should just buy that stadium that you borrow from the Steelers on Saturday and fill it with the levels of Boston College fans.

Pittikrit said...

Wow, way to repeat yourself. Let me guess, when you walk into a public urinal and see a bunch of guys taking a leak, you squeal "Ooo! A buffet!"

Anonymous said...

Uconn is much better than Pitt and its poor football players of color