Sugg Says Long is His Man

Fayetville - University of Pittsburgh Athletic Director, Jeff Long, interviewed with Arkansas officials today for a similar position. Leadership came away from the meeting confident that the Pitt AD is exactly what they are looking for. University President, Dr. Sugg, elaborated. "Mr. Long came in and said all the right things, everthing we wanted to hear."

Pantherrants pressed Sugg for further information. "You have to understand that we're WAY behind federally mandated opportunities for the mentally challenged. By putting a retard...I mean, 'special person' in such a high profile roll, the bureacrats will have to leave us alone. Listen, with this business with the QB kid and the running back, the last thing I need on my plate is the ACLU up my ass about this crap."

An excited Jeff Long was asked why he was leaving Pitt for the same job at Arkansas. "Jeffy like farts! Franks and beans...hehehee...," was his lone comment. Long's "handler," 17 year old Susie Jackson, performing the roll for extra credit for her high school civics class provided more information. "Jeffy gets so confused up in the city. Fayetville is more quiet and he's less prone to his tantrums. Plus, Arkansas has offered him extra ice-cream or jello for lunch every day. Jeffy likes dessert almost as much as he likes finger paint, although he does often confuse the two."

Pitt Chancellor, Mark Nordenburg, discussed losing his Athletic Department's top man. "There's no doubt that Jeffy will be missed. His simple way of seeing the world and bright smile always helped on a rainy day. However, we've met our Americans with Disabilities Act hiring quota so we will be happy to finally get someone competent in here. I mean, have you seen our new logo? Jeffy made that one afternoon in Arts and Crafts class at his day program. We tried to say no but after his repeated feces throwing tantrums, we had to give in and make it official. We can't wait to get rid of this beagle mascot and go back to our traditional panther."