Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Buddy Morris Handpicked by Army Brass to Train New Iraqi Recruits

Look in the eyes. They're pure intensity. Baghdad, Iraq - Today, famed strength and conditioning disciplinarian Buddy Morris arrived in Iraq to begin training new Iraqi recruits in the fledgling Iraqi Defense Force. Morris (left), who gave up a similar position at the University of Pittsburgh, where he successfully turned soft, jellylike tubs of goo into sculpted concrete blocks of pure football power, immediately took stock of his new victims in a military procession held in his honor. "Look at you f***s!" the energetic power-lifter screamed. "You march like women! You need to learn some motherf***ing respect, c***suckers! Lieutenant! Get me my wardrobe!"

Morris then proceeded to force the recruits to go back to where they started and march again, attired in a mode of dress that, as Morris claimed, better represented "where these motherf***ing f***s f***ing are in their worthless f***ing soft-as-f***ing-butter lives!" Panther Rants snapped a photgraph of the now humiliated and clearly disgruntled rookie troops marching in formation:

Pretty in pink: Iraqi army recruits parading for a dissatisifed taskmasterMorris continued berating the new recruits as they marched past, threatening them with all kinds of physical and emotional punishment if they did not meet his standards. "You f***s will never win your f***ing country back, because you're p*****s! F***ing p*****s!" he screamed. "Allah is God, and I'm his motherf***ing prophet! If you f***ing sh**s don't improve, you'll be doing civilian burial duty for a month! And we've got a lot of dead here! F***!"

Stay tuned to Panther Rants for further updates on Buddy Morris winning the Iraq war all by himself.

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