Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Pitt Narrows AD Search


Pittsburgh - Pantherrants has received inside information on the progress of finding Pitt's new Athletic Director. The list has been trimmed down to a Lee_Corso's_Rental_Car svelt-like number of 5. Let's review the candidates and do some handicapping (for entertainment purposes only).

1. Donna Sanft: Donna is the interim AD, replacing outgoing AD, Jeff Long. Donna is a Pitt stalwart. She was on-campus when George Washington came around these parts quelling the Whiskey Rebellion. She's the ultimate insider, having graduated, coached, and administrated at Pitt. To sum it up, she's the ultimate yes-man/person/woman/whatever. She'll rubber stamp whatever Chancellor Nordenstalin and Jerry Cochrane-Castro wants. Therefore, probability of her turning Pitt into a power and cleaning things up: 5%. Probability of getting the jahb: 99%.

2. Chas Bonasorte: Former Pitt scrub football player has been selling knock-off garbage products such as Nikey, Adeedos, and Cawnverse Pitt gear on the streets of Oakland for years. The guy never met a problem that a squad of hitmen couldn't solve. Frankly, we love the guy. There's something about mobile retail operations that excites us here at Pantherrants. Just think of the money the Pitt Shop would save on lease space. Also, his strong arm tactics would guarantee a future Pitt-PSU series with Pitt getting 80% of the games at home, which is the way it should be. Probability of doing a good job: 60%. Probability of getting the job: 5%.

3. Marc Boehm: Marc was the interim AD back in 03 (or whatever) after Pederson took off for the motherland of Nebraska. All he did was hire the two most successful basketball (men's and women's) coaches in Pitt history. He was able to navigate the turbulent times of the Big East reorganization. Simply, he is smart, knowledgeable, understands the University, and brings a much needed outsider's perspective. Probability of doing a good jawb: 75%. Probability of getting the jawb: less than Wannstedt coming up with a decent gameplan.

4. Mark Rauterkus: Mark is Pittsburgh's greatest son and worst father. He is constantly campaigning for any number of ridiculous government positions while railing against government. So why shouldn't he run for Pitt AD? No reason. This slap is all over town yammering about kooky garbage while forgetting to spend time with his kids and give his wife the old wink-wink nudge-nudge. He's crazy, incompetent, and bizarre (not to the point of schizo guy walking down the straight but close). To be honest, we're rooting for him solely for the entertainment value. Probability of doing well: less than Darrel Strong catching a pass. Likelihood of getting the job: less than Matt Cavanaugh's level of happiness to be coaching college football.

5. Bag of Dicks: The bag of dicks is what it is. It's an enigma: everyone wants to see a bag of dicks but everyone looks away when a bag of dicks comes walking down the street. The bag of dicks would do nothing at all. The status quo would continue. Nordenstalin would control everything while the bag of dicks would hang out at sorority houses and the Cricket Club. However, the bag of dicks would certainly pull skanks away from Wlat Harris (aka: he who goes to bowl games). Some booster's wives wouldn't know what to do. Neither do we. All we can say for certain is that Donna Sanft never met a bag of dicks she didn't like. Probability of bag of dicks being successful: 50-50. Probability of bag of dicks getting the job: 50-50.

4 comments:

Mark Rauterkus said...

Thanks for the proper spelling of my name.

If hired as Pitt's new AD, the first thing I'll do is bring back the Script Pitt logo. But, we won't re-paint anything until whatever is there needs to be repainted.

I'll also move to build a new, on campus football stadium, with track, band practice field and dozens of intramural fields -- on the new River Campus in Hazelwood, along the river, flush with new graduate student housing.

We'll link the new River Campus with the main campus via a people mover.

Pitt will also more than double efforts in Olympic Sports.

Pitt will open up global sports efforts with new varsity teams in badminton, curling, speed skating, and involuntary luge.

New Pitt athletic venues are expected on the South Side with the opening of the still closed indoor ice rink behind South Side Hospital.

A new winter sports venue for Mt. Washington would be established.

Once I'm A.D., I'll consider hiring Luke Ravenstahl as a compliance officer and full-time 'Tiger Paw' tee guy.

Plus, Beno Cook gets a larger than life statue.

Paul Rhoads' Pogo Ball said...

You had mens and women's billards teams and I'll publicly lobby for you.

Kurt said...

Bob Buczkowski would be my pick! ran a sucessful business in monroeville would have connections to smooze potential recruits.
who bwtter to be the face of Pitt Football. look at the intangibles, all American, first round draft pick.

Mark Rauterkus said...

Billiards is in. So too is water ski and underwater hockey.

Pitt jocks need more balls.

Meanwhile, back at UVA, the score is 27-0.

Perhaps you could stage a pep rally to recruit more peeps. We could even ask the peace protesters to join in and move with us to Nordy's front lawn.