Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Long Gone? - Day two coverage

BLAWNOX (PR) -- One day after news outlets in Pittsburgh and Arkansas announced that Pitt athletic director Jeff Long interviewed for the soon-to-be vacant athletic director's job in Fayetteville, few new details have emerged. Here is what we know so far.

  • There is a job available at the University of Arkansas.
  • Jeff Long interviewed for it.
  • Jeff Long is in the final year of his contract at Pitt and has not been signed to a contract extension at Pitt, although he has apparently been offered one.
  • The more a man drinks, the more attractive ugly women become.

In the meantime, Panther Rants was able to obtain the names of the other two candidates on Arkansas's list to replace Frank Broyles, who will step down at the end of December. Panther Rants was also able to have a telepathic interview with Broyles about each of the candidates. Judging by the credentials, we are left to believe that Jeff Long is indeed the most qualified person that has interviewed for the position.

C.C. DeVille
DeVille has a strong track record of filling up seats and raising revenues. As lead guitarist and primary song writer for the 80's butt rock band Poison, DeVille was largely responsible for the band's popularity. It's widely known that DeVille wrote most of the songs on the band's "Open Up and Say Ahh" album which sold millions of copies and resulted in numerous arena concert tours in the late 80s and early 90s.

"We were very impressed with Mr. DeVille's credentials. Here's a guy that has proven time and again that he knows what fans want and packs 'em in," Broyles said.

Arkansas officials, in fact, were so impressed with Deville that they offered him the job two weeks ago. It was his response to their offer that soured the administration, Broyles said.

"We honestly couldn't understand a word he said. It was like a peroxide version of Keith Richards. 'Mmmmmmmaaaaah gah waawaaa, blah ja, maaaaaaaaan," Broyles said. "What the hell are we supposed to do with that. It's a shame, I tell ya. I damn shame. If only the guy spoke English. Shit, if only the guy spoke a language that was understood on earth."

Luciano Pavarotti

Few people understand the importance of marketability and selling tickets than Pavarotti, 72. In this age of butt rock and even worse rap music, Pavarotti was one of the rare classical singers to perform before sold our crowds at arenas and stadiums, an aspect that wasn't looked upon lightly by the Arkansas administration.

However, recent events in Pavarotti's life played a factor in Arkansas' decision to not offer him a job. Most notably, his death this week.

"Yeah, yeah that definitely screwed things up a bit," Broyles said. "Had he not died there's no telling what could have happened. And unfortunately, the conference's quota of using a dead guy for athletic advantage has been claimed by Alabama for two decades."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wlat has moved back to Pittsburgh and was spotted at the O last night buying fries and a six pack to go.

I was hanging out at the O last night and a reliable source that serves french fries at the O told me the Pitt administration has a secret plan to replace Long and has been talking to Wlat all along.

It looks like Wlat is a serious candidate to replace Long as AD, wow, can you imagine the possibilities.

Have you contacted Wlat for an exclusive interview?