Pittsburgh - Pantherrants has done some world-class sleuthing and uncovered a sinister plan by Chancellor Mark Nordenberg. It seems that Nordy has been secretly working every angle to destroy Pitt football. Through our various contacts, we've learned that Nordy began this program the minute he wrestled the leadership position away from J. Dennis O'Connor in 1996`.
We caught up with Nordy as he was coming home from clubbing baby seals. "Yes, it's all true. You've caught me. And I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids. It was such a beautiful plan. It started with the hiring of Athletic Director, Steve Pederson. I told him to piss off everyone he could find. He hired and old, retarded, quick-kicking moron of a football coach. He changed the colors and uniforms. He changed the name of the school. Hell, he even tore down the gat-damned stadium! But the fans kept coming. They wouldn't go away."
The truly fascinating plan continues. "In 2001, I convinced Wlat to go to the spread. In 2002, I contacted John Swofford, the ACC Commissioner. I literally destroyed the conference, trying to get rid of this terrible program. But they still kept coming. I knew I had to do something drastic. I hired a totally retarded, worthless assbag as AD, Jeff Long. After 2004's Fiesta Bowl, I realized that Wlat wasn't going to keep up his end of the bargain so I canned him. I got the only guy that I knew could fail: Dave Wannstedt. The Pitt fans would think if he couldn't do it, then nobody could."
We asked Nordy if he thought the plan was working. "We play Navy next Wednesday. That's right, Wednesday. And we'll have less than 10K there. So you tell me."
Asked about his motivation, Nordy elaborated. "Pitt football gets attention around here. More attention than me when we're winning. I can't have that. At one point back in 1997, I was a new Chancellor riding high. And then there's a bowl game and no one gave a shit about me. Hell, I rape babies trying to get attention but all anyone wants to talk about is the football recruits and Joe Del Sardo's Ipods. What was I supposed to do?"
At that point, we consoled Nordy by getting a WVU graduate to lick his taint.
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