Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Ranteria!


Carnival Atmosphere for Pitt-UConn

There will be a carnival atmosphere for when Pitt plays Connecticut this Saturday. We’re not kidding, there is going to be a carnival during the day around Heinz Field. It will go on before, during, and after the game. Panther Rants has learned there will be some interesting games and rides to choose from.



Khalid El-Amin will be in town for his game called the “Water Bottle Toss”. Khalid will sit in a booth where you will get to throw filled up water bottles at the Doughboy himself. You will get three water bottles. After the 2nd water bottle, Khalid will stand up and re-enact his celebration after the comeback win against Pitt. While he’s doing this, you will get a water bottle that is frozen to throw at him. First person that knocks him out, wins a free Dell Laptop.


Other games on hand will be:

The “Clint Session Frat Boy Toss” – winner gets a Fred Primus autographed phone.





Geno Auriemma’s “Smack my Bitch Assistant Up” – winner receives a hand job from Barbara Turner



The Erik Gill “100 Proof Go Cart Challenge” – This game will open very late, probably around last call. Anyone who makes it to the finish line without wrecking wins an autographed Billy Martin baseball bat.

Former UConn player Rod Sellers and Former Duke Player Christian Laettner will also participate in a steel cage match. First one to get his head stomped loses.

Other games and celebrities will be on hand with Chris Seabrooks, Yuri Demetris, and Marcus Williams making special guest appearances.


Charges Dropped Against Fields?

Point guard Levance Fields may not have to go through the rigorous judicial process from the recent charges brought upon them. He may not have to face any type of discipline related to the basketball program or the law itself. In a telepathic interview with Panther Rants, Levance’s girlfriend Marcedes Walker said she would handle the incident.




“I called up the people handling his case and convince them I would take care of it. I’m just going to punk-slap him a few times.” Marcedes said.

One of the officials handling the case said they weren’t convinced if they should let the Lady Panthers star handle the incident.

“We weren’t too crazy about the idea. That’s until we saw her game film and decided to change our minds.” The official said.

Does this behavior normally happen at clubs? Panther Rants telepathically called up J-KRUZ of WAMO 106.7 and here’s what he had to say:

“YO, YOU GOTTA COME TO TOUCH NIGHT CLUB IN THE STRIP ON SUNDAY! THERE’S GONNA BE ONE DOLLA DRINKS TILL MIDNIGHT, LADIES GET IN FOR FREE, AND FELLAS BEST BE LEAVIN’ THE WHITE TEES AT HOME! I’LL BE THERE WITH DJ KODE WRED HOSTIN DA IN DEM JEANS CONTEST…IT’S GONNA BE OFF THE HOOK….YOU GOTTA…”

We hung up the phone as our most of us went deaf listening to him.

Louisville Shakes Up Defense

The two games have been hell for the Cardinals’ defense. They’ve been in shootouts with Middle Tennessee State and Kentucky. While Brian Brohm’s Heisman stats keep looking up, their defense has more loose holes than a hooker on a busy weekend. So rather than make a few adjustments, the coaching staff is going to use a new method. Here’s what Coach Kragthorpe had to say:




“We’re just going to droids on the defense…plain and simple. For linebackers and the secondary, we will use C-3PO's. For the defensive line, we will use R2-D2's. This should confuse opposing offenses a lot more. It’s like they are being dared to score on us rather than being challenged. Challenging them didn’t work. They just scored more points. The R2D2's have some neat gagdets and they should be able to penetrate up front. C-3PO's should give us some solid secondary help. Someone just has to fall for this.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!