Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Panthers bring in specialist to help team

Pittsburgh - In a statement released by the University of Pittsburgh athletic department, Pitt football coach Dave Wannstedt confirmed reports that he had brought in a voodoo witch doctor to break the hex which currently hovers over the program like the grim spectre of death.

"The football program, recognizing the unique situation under which it has operated since my hiring, understands the fans want a winner. And to facilitate that demand, we have now decided to take extraordinary measures to break this hex by inviting Papa Shango to work his nefarious magicks in opposition of whatever afflicts this football program."

Papa Shango, whose real name is Charles Wright, had this to say on the matter via a telepathic interview with Panther Rants: "Look, I have no idea what the hell they're talking about. I'm a friggin' former wrestler. I run a strip joint. But when this Wannstedt bozo called me up and said, 'Papa, we need your help, and we'll pay well for it' in that strange Pittsburgh accent of his, I was like, 'Yo man, whatever you need, just give me straight up Benjamins, you know what I'm saying?' I'm just gonna put on some white makeup and use a fog machine, then I'm gone."

Panther Rants then managed to contact the Pitt athletic department to confirm if they do, indeed, realize that Papa Shango is nothing more than an outdated wrestling character from the mid-1990's. "What?" interim AD Donna Sanft exclaimed when she heard this. "I okayed a 60,000 dollar payout to someone who doesn't even exist? Well, it's a good thing we have backups on our list. All of our players have converted to Islam, so we'll bring in Kama Mustafa to preach to them. And if that doesn't work, we'll go after that Godfather guy - Dave assures me that his ho's could help relieve some stress amongst our players, just so long as they don't beat up on them afterwards."


vito said...

Another bad move by the administration, they should have invited Obi Wan Kenobi.

Cat Basket said...

He's gonna take Pitt for a ride on the,

HOE TRAIN!!!!!!!!