Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Apple Unveils Newest Gadget

Cupertino, CA - As is Apple, Inc. tradition, the technology juggernaut secretively called a press conference today. A great deal of excitment filled the room as CEO, Steve Jobs, took to the podium to announce the newest product. "Here at Apple, we are continuously striving to make great products on the cutting edge. First this year, we debuted the iPhone. Recently, we rolled out the newest Ipod in a touch-screen format. Today, we give you the iStache."

Perplexed but eager crowd members sat on the edge of their seat, marveling at the tiny device in Jobs' palm. "Let me start off by saying the iStache isn't for everyone. We're targeting a niche market here. That is, people that love the 80's, buttrock, Ronald Reagan, Tip O'Neill, and crappy AFC football. Many of today's target market of 30 somethings grew up in the 80's and we want to reach out to them." When asked what the "stache" represents, Jobs elaborated. "No one better represents the desire to return to the 80's more than Pitt head coach, Dave Wannstedt. He exudes it out of every pore. Sit with the guy for 5 minutes; you'll get at least 10 80's references, guaranteed. Plus, he's got the quintessential early 80's pornstache that is our main marketing hook and which differentiates the Ipod from the iStache."

Jobs described the highlights of the new device. "The iStache does everything a normal Ipod does with some differences. First off, the music is pre-installed with REO Speedwagon's Greatest Hits so you're good to go right out of the box. But you can ONLY load 80's buttrock on the iStache. Second, the controls are slow, clumsy, and basic, just like Wannsted likes his gameplans. And finally, the iStache can be charged by pure neon light, preferably pink or green. The iStache will go on sale tomorrow with the first 1000 people ordering by rotary dial receiving a free Member's Only jacket."

At that point, 1984 Summer Olympic star, Carl Lewis, took the podium and smiled happily stating, "I LOVE the 80's and I live the Istache! Oh, and I'm gay."


Anonymous said...

"marveling at the tiny device in Jobs' palm"

so, croso was there?

Dick Vermeil said...

Brilliant...not just good, Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of another famous pornstash didn't Harry Reems go to Pitt in the late 70's?