Levance Fields Reviews This Season's Tasers

Pittsburgh (PA) - Pitt basketball point guard Levance Fields recently agreed to do a review for Panther Rants of this season's hottest taser models. Fields, a consensus All-Big East player, acknowledges his love for tasers. "Yeah," the ebullient guard said, "I know how those things feel, so I got no problem reviewing them. The only reason I even made a move was so they'd zap me. It's like Pringles - once you take one pop you go back for more until the hair on your testicles singes off."

"The first one I got to try out was this baby here. It's nice, it really is. The prongs don't go too deep in the skin, so there's no tearing of flesh when they're yanked out. Even more, the electrical charge is just unreal. Your knees shake and then your legs give out, but you can't scream because your jaw locks shut. The worst part, though? You can actually smell your skin burning. It smells like Paul Alexander after a night in the tanning salon. It's a good one, though, I'm gonna try and carry it on the court with me, especially in West Virginia. If I get close enough, I'm shooting Bob Huggins in the face. I wanna see if it'll give him a heart attack, you know? I recommend it, but not highly: if it didn't make you void your bowels, I'd love it."

"Now, this one here is just a flat piece of crap. It's faulty or something, you know? Shoot a dude with it, and what happens? Fwoosh. Fire. You can see in this picture here how quick it happens. I mean, the dude was drenched in alcohol, sure, but that don't mean he shouldn't expect to get tasered, especially with other drunk college students nearby. I felt terrible about it afterwards, I really did. Just look at my face, you know? I was almost crying."

"I wouldn't recommend this one. It's too dangerous. Funny, but dangerous. I might still take this one on the road with me, to Connecticut. I heard that if give off an electrical charge in Storrs, you might be able to ignite the air in the arena because of all of the self-absorbed, snooty hot gas that just collects. I wanna see if I can literally blow the roof off the place."

When asked to shed some more light on his recent troubles on the South Side, Fields declined. "Coach doesn't want me to talk. I gotta run anyway...I want to try and melt the silicon foam they put in Sam Young's knees."