Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Report: Connecticut's Population on the Decline...but what's the cause?

Connecticut - In a report recently submitted to Panther Rants, it has been divulged that the state of Connecticut is facing a severe population decline due to an absence of heterosexuals in the state. "The situation is pretty bad," said noted Thai sexologist Harry D. Ong. "For about four years now, nothing but the light-in-their-loafers types. The population's really hurting, but I'm having the time of my life!"

Panther Rants caught up with two such people the good sexologist described, who indentified themselves as Adam and B.J. (an unfortunate coincidence, we were assured). "It's fantaaaaaaastic here now," exclaimed Steve. "I can wear leather all the time, or just walk around nude. I don't offend anyone. And B.J.....well, you can guess why HE likes it now." B.J. was equally effusive in his praise for the state's newfound uniformity. "No pressure, anywhere. Even for the only thing we have going for us, Uconn sports. They can suck and suck and suck and NONE of us are going to complain. I just love watching the football team. Tight pants and sacks...hubba hubba! And the sports team just LOVE how we cheer for them, and are more than happy to show their appreciation!"

Rumors that Jim Calhoun was planning to kill himself after this information became public have been proven to be unfounded.

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