Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Slap 10 - Sept. 16

Another week of college football and another week of random douchebaggery. Since we're all too lazy to go on Yahoo sports and read every game recap of every game we've put together a bitchy list of Cliff Notes. Here is this week's "Slap 10."

10. The Fat 10 Conference

Had we had this glorious channel, we could have seen Minnesota get stomped by Florida Atlantic, Duke beat Northwestern at home and Iowa lose to a horrible Iowa State team. Somehow I get the feeling this is not what the Fat 10 had in mindwhen they started this network. Take their BCS berth away.

And yes, we at Panther Rants are fully aware that our school lost to Michigan State this weekend. But it wasn't exactly the dominating victory that oddsmakers, Herbstreit and Corso were predicting. This game proved that each conference's sixth-best teams are equal. And since everyone in "Fat 10 country" was clamouring for the Big East to lose it's BCS berth, we only feel that the criticism is fair now.

9. TCU
So THIS was the BCS buster team huh? This was the team that was gonna' set the traditional powers on its ear like Utah did in 2004 and Boise State did in 2006. Losses to Texas and AirForce have 'em at 1-2. And although there is certainly no shame to losing to the Longhorns on their home field, there is some in losing to an Air Force team that has a rookie head coach. Maybe next year, Horny Frogs.

8 Charlie Weis (again)

Three games, no offensive touchdowns. 12 quarters and 13 points to show for it. I thought Charlie was an offensive genius. I thought Charlie was the biggest reason Brady Quinn had improved so much. And how is that an ass as fat as Charlie's doesn't get the importance of recruiting and developing linemen? You'd think a fat man could recruit other fat guys to come with him. You know you suck when hiring Tom Freeman as an offensive line coach would be considered a step up.

7. Penn State fans

This merry bunch of marshmellow throwers love to point out that Pitt beat one of the worst PSU team in decades in 2000 yet are conveniently forgetting the same thing with this year's ND win. But since its Penn State, its all good. And how can you struggle with Buffalo in the first half of a game and have anything resembling BCS title dreams?

In addition, Paterno gave his annual sermon on wanting to renew the Pitt rivalry again, assuming Penn State can retain its 17 home games since they have 619 varsity sports to fund. Hey, you old pants shitting bastard, the only reason it's an issue is because YOU keep bringing it up. It has been a dead issue in Pittsburgh for two years. We'll see ya on the list again in three weeks when you start babbling about the all-eastern Paterno Conference you wanted to start 30 years ago.

6. Colorado

Dan Hawkins was brought in and considered to be an offensive genius. Meanwhile, the goddam offense cant score against Florida State, which allowed 21 last week to UAB. Hey Dan, IT'S DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL! THIS AIN'T INTRAMURALS! At the rate he's going he might be coaching intramurals by next year.
And Dan, if you're gonna' practice nepotism and have your son start at quarterback, please design it in a way that he's not a liability. Hersey Hawkins throws better passes than this kid.

5. Wlat
Out of football since December, Harris continues to have an impact on college football. Stanford won it's first game of the season this weekend, defeating San Jose State 37-0 at the new Stanford Stadium. The win was Stanford's first ever in its newly rebuilt Stadium after going 0-fer last year en route 1-11 season. Head coach Jim Harbaugh is now five wins away from eclipsing Harris' total in two seasons. The Cardinal also avenged last year's loss (shown at right) to SJSU.

4. The Arkansas defense

After Arkansas fought to regain the lead against Alabama last night, the Hogs gave up 10 unanswered to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Add in a shitty new logo and some gold jerseys and Jeff Long will feel right at home here.

3. The Louisville defense

STOP SOMEONE FOR CRISSAKES. Thought 42 to Middle southern eastern western Northern Southern Tennessee State Tech was a fluke. After last night's 40-34 loss to Kentucky (speaking of, it might be time to admit that Rich Brooks ain't a bad coach) it apparently isn't. And with Ray Rice, Steve Slaton and WVU, and McCoy and Pitt on the schedule 7-5 isn't out of possibility for these slaps.

2. Arizona

Every family has the black sheep fuck off relative. Someone would argue that that relative in my family is me. Well, it's apparent after yesterday's loss at home to New Mexico and 1-2 start that Mike Stoops is that brother. Four years after Stoops was brought in to replace equally shitty John Mackovic the team hasn't shown few glimmers of hope and no bowl games to speak of.
Remember about five years ago when EVERYONE wanted Stoops, including some Pitt people? Well, the good news is that he might be available really soon. The bad news is, well, who the hell cares?

1. Nebraska

Shortly after arriving at Nebraska, current UN athletic director/former Pitt athletic director/overall zealot Steve Pederson fired head coach Frank Solich, claiming that the program had fallen to mediocre under his watch. After a coaching search that led to the school being turned down by Houston Nutt, Vince Lombardi, Bob Stoops, Mike Stoops, Butch Davis, UC-Davis and Gene Hackman, Pederson finally hired Bill Callahan. And going into their fourth season, Callahan finally has the team positioned to once again be....mediocre. The Huskers proved as much Saturday in its butt tuning at the hands of Southern Cal.

But fear not, Husker fans, we're sure Steve has some "new traditions" ready to go for 2008. Hell, you've already started one: bed shitting against Top 10 teams, against which you are 0-6 under "Wlatahan."


Anonymous said...

Fuck Weis, he really is a fat ass, he tried suing his doctor over his surgery to make him a non fat ass, he lost in court twice.

Anonymous said...

Suing a doctor in New England is about as smart as trying to sue a New York City fireman on Sept. 12, 2001.

Anonymous said...

Two thoughts for you re PSU:

1. There are two halfs in a football game and each team is required to play both of them. Hence the reason people are borderline retards if they get all worked up about what happen during half the game. I'm more concerned about the final score, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

2. Paterno probably wouldn't be talking about the Pitt "rivalry" (if you can call it that) if the Pittsburgh media didn't keep asking him about it every other week. But then again, college football doesn't exist in Pittsburgh so I guess they have to venture to State College to try and relive the good old days.

Don't worry, basketball will be here soon.

Anonymous said...

The issue has been dead in the Pittsburgh media since the season was expanded to 12 games and PSU continued with its 2-for-1 crap. And the story wasn't written by a Pittsburgh writer, it was done by the Associated Press. I mean, if a Pittsburgh writer had asked, doncha think they would have written the story? But go ahead and try're doing great so far.

And Good luck against Michigan. Maybe this time you'll actually beat them.

Anonymous said...

10:12 Anon

If you think the PSU/Pitt rivalry has been dead in the Pittsburgh media then you haven't been reading newspapers, listening to the radio, or watching TV.

And to the original article, yes the Pitt 12-0 victory years ago was a watershed event for them but the difference with PSU beating a below average ND this year and the Pitt victory over PSU in 2000 is the fact that PSU has already moved past the ND victory while Pitt is still clinging to a victory tat occured in 2000 because it's all they got. Sad, but very true.