Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

This week's Slap 10

10. Pitt fans
Just what the hell were you thinking, sticking around for that crap after halftime? I’m sure many of you had coolers of beer in the trunk and burgers. Why waste your time watching that impression of high school football Saturday night? I’m truly hoping that no one shows up to the Navy game. And by no one I don’t mean a small crowd. I mean NO ONE. Maybe then some people in the administration will get the message that this athletic department needs swept out from top to bottom.

And to you mouth breathers that were dying to hire a “Pitt guy,” do me a favor: Go stand in that corner, face the wall and shut up. And don’t move until this mess is fixed…if ever.

9. Jeff Long
Admit it, you had no list whatsoever for people to hire in 2004 other than Wannstedt. And that’s why we had the circus of a coaching search that we did that resulted in Bo Pelini, Paul Rhodes and ever other Goddam Pitt guy under the sun that was still alive. And that’s why we had to run begging boosters for extra cash to hire Wannstedt, because we had no other options, because we never had a list worth a damn in the first place, did we?

And you wonder why we can’t wait for you to get your voicemail set up in Fayetteville.

8. Matt Cavanaugh
One day you’ll learn that LaRod Stephens Howling is good for three things (a) blocking (b) falling down © falling down while blocking. It’ll be the day after the kid graduates but we still have faith. May we also suggest having Bostick practice throwing the ball down field in practice this week, since we anticipate being about 21 points behind on average the rest of the way…and you should too.

7. Dave Wannstedt
You’re a tremendous ambassador for the school and much improved at recruiting of He Who Went To Bowls. But can you honestly look yourself in a mirror, or the hood of a shiny car, or anything that reflects and say, “This team is not regressing?” And what is going on with your talent evaluation that a guy that winds up throwing for 230 yards manages to look worse in practice than a guy that cant hit a bull in the ass with a bag of rice?

6. Virginia Tech
Congrats on your hard-fought victory over William and Mary Saturday. What the hell happened, Radford wouldn’t respond to your text messages? Every year we go through the same shit with you guys. You play Akron, Aliquippa high school, Robert Morris and then get smoked by a real team and you demand that we take you seriously.

5. Paul Rhodes

So here we go again, huh? Another team with a dink and dunk spread offense and ol Pogoball boy is clueless on how to stop him. Lorenzen passed for 174 yards on about 25 attempts. Hey Paul, how many third and longs did they convert? 70? One day we’ll figure out who you have nude photos of in order to keep your job…and we’re torching them.

4. Ralph Friegden

Remember when this fat slap was the darling of the Crab State, or the state with a lot of crabs, or whatever? Up 24-7 to Wake Forest, the Twerps let the Fighting Tim Duncan’s back in the game and lose in overtime. Whats this guy done since the Orange Bowl trip in 2001?

3. Anthony Morelli and the Penn state offense

So this was your year, huh? This was the year you were gonna’ shock the world, huh? National title hopes, huh? Austin Scott looked like Scott Peterson, held to not only under 100 yards, but under 50 yards. Morelli was an unimpressive 15 of 31 for 169 yards and no touchdowns. Keep in mind this was a Michigan defense that was shredded by Oregon and Appalachian State.

P.S. in order for it to be a rivalry you have to win one every now and then.

2. Steve Pederson
Pederson gave Callahan a five year contract extension and we’re still trying to figure out why. A blowout loss to Southern Cal and near losses to Wake Forest and Ball State yesterday. The Blackshirts defense were more like the Blackshits, giving up 606, including 424 through the air. Hey Steve, might be time to invent some “new traditions” to take people’s minds off of the fact that you fired one mediocre sonofabitch to bring in another.

1. Louisville

I coulda’ sworn Miami left the Big East. Like Miami, the Cards talk a lot of shit, rack up a lot penalties and can put up some points. The problem is, they suck. They absolutely suck out loud. Hey Louisville, when you trailing to Syracuse AT HOME, you don’t jump up in the air bumping and do end zone dives. You hand the ball back to the referee and hope to GOD no one’s looking at the scoreboard.


vito said...

an old web page from miami

vito said...

another one

dr. jimmy said...

Double wide, nice post, very creative, troubled childhood?

jenny craig said...

One other thing, who has a bigger ass and/or can eat more big macs in an hour; ralph or charlie?