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Thursday, September 20, 2007
Scientists Conclude UConn Sucks
Pittsburgh - Several independent researchers have concluded their study of the University of Connecticut. Lead researcher, Dr. Johnathan Nelson, from the University of Pittsburgh was the lead author of the study. "We did some preliminary trials years ago based on our hypothesis that UConn sucked. Our evidence bore that out. We enlisted a stellar list of the top minds in the country in multiple disciplines for our current study."
Measures included poon on campus, academic rating, and fans. Other variables studied were air quality index, weather, and soil samples. Dr. Nelson elaborated, "First, the poon walking around that campus is amongst the worst in the country; even worse than PSU. We found the academic rating almost as bad as East Carolina. The fans were described as the most pompous assbags outside of Notre Dame. The air quality was poor; most notably, we found that the place smelled like feces all the time. However, the Uconn community members were immune. Something about their DNA makes them unaware that their feces does in fact stink. And finally, soil samples revealed a high concentration of nitrogen, which is a measure of the radioactive decay of Suckunium. High levels of Suckunium are always associated with a sucky college."
"These results have been independently verified amongst different research centers," Nelson continued. "The conclusion that UConn 100% totally sucks is irrefutable."