Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Enter The Suckacuse Zone
Hello dejected Panther fans, welcome to the Factor for this Monday, October 29th, 2008. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, especially when the Fighting Ian Eagles come to town. First bit of business, we'd like to thank He Who Went to Bowl Games and Willie Wildcat for serving as guest hosts the past few weeks. However, as K-State is now 5-3, and He Who Went to Bowl Games is no longer involved in the business (but still invited to the tailgate this weekend; drop us a line big guy), it is only fitting that the new host embodies the spirit of Pitt's Mediocre Athletics. And now on to the show. We're going to gloss over last week's loss to Louisville. Suffice to say, it was a scrotum punch game. Ideally it will serve to mature our young backfield, and make them hungrier than Chase Clowser following a Lenten fast. So we will look ahead to the Syracuse Orangeindividualswithoutgenderdesignation, the focus of this week's He Who Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo.
Syracuse sucks. There, I said it. An institution that produced the insufferable Bob Costas and his omnipresent ego (below right) cannot by definition be of good quality. Hell, his inflated self-worth is more of a danger to the United States than North Korea. First, he doesn't age, so he's going to be terrorizing sports fans until Syracuse football is relevant again (roughly 2074). He's got the Dick Clark gene, which is suspicious in and of itself. But it all boils down to..... he's so smug. So condescending. And so....unbearable. Have you watched 'Football Night in America'? Costas makes Collinsworth seem like a guy you'd have a beer with. That's insane!
And sweet old Bob is just the tip of the insufferable iceberg that is Syracuse alumni. Mike Tirico? What a gigantic phallus. Seriously. How this man ended up with the play-by-play gig on Monday Night Football is beyond me. Cosell would perform more admirably, and he's been dead for 12 years. And his own radio show? Gag us with an Orangeindividualswithoutgenderdesignation stuffed animal. Maybe if Mike spent more time studying his trade and less time sexually harassing Scott Van Pelt and other ESPN personalities, he'd be serviceable. But as this diagram (left) shows, he has less sports knowledge than that dude who comments on celebrity clothing for E!. But it doesn't stop there for Syracuse. Oh no. Jim Brown went there. You know, wife-beating, 'Mars Attacks' pimping, ridiculous hat wearing Jim Brown. Hey Jim, Barry Sanders was better. Stick that in your green hat. And finally, what commentary on the illustrious Syracuse alumni would be complete without the two winners shown below?
There he is, in all his glory, Marv "Rocky Horror Picture Show" Albert. Hey Marv, try biting into a steak, not a woman's posterior. And lastly, for all you Pittsburgh area readers. we leave you with this image:
Screw the Orange. Screw whiny ass Jim Boeheim. Screw Donovan McNabb and his Super Bowl flatulence. Screw Marvin Harrison and his Magnum PI mustache. screw Greg Robinson and his ever present "I just did 12 shots of Patron, bet you can't tell" look. Screw the Carrier Dome, screw those uniforms which make Pitt's look "classic", and lastly, screw you Gerry McNamara. We're out!