Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Enter The Suckacuse Zone

Hello dejected Panther fans, welcome to the Factor for this Monday, October 29th, 2008. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, especially when the Fighting Ian Eagles come to town. First bit of business, we'd like to thank He Who Went to Bowl Games and Willie Wildcat for serving as guest hosts the past few weeks. However, as K-State is now 5-3, and He Who Went to Bowl Games is no longer involved in the business (but still invited to the tailgate this weekend; drop us a line big guy), it is only fitting that the new host embodies the spirit of Pitt's Mediocre Athletics. And now on to the show. We're going to gloss over last week's loss to Louisville. Suffice to say, it was a scrotum punch game. Ideally it will serve to mature our young backfield, and make them hungrier than Chase Clowser following a Lenten fast. So we will look ahead to the Syracuse Orangeindividualswithoutgenderdesignation, the focus of this week's He Who Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo.

Syracuse sucks. There, I said it. An institution that produced the insufferable Bob Costas and his omnipresent ego (below right) cannot by definition be of good quality. Hell, his inflated self-worth is more of a danger to the United States than North Korea. First, he doesn't age, so he's going to be terrorizing sports fans until Syracuse football is relevant again (roughly 2074). He's got the Dick Clark gene, which is suspicious in and of itself. But it all boils down to..... he's so smug. So condescending. And so....unbearable. Have you watched 'Football Night in America'? Costas makes Collinsworth seem like a guy you'd have a beer with. That's insane!

And sweet old Bob is just the tip of the insufferable iceberg that is Syracuse alumni. Mike Tirico? What a gigantic phallus. Seriously. How this man ended up with the play-by-play gig on Monday Night Football is beyond me. Cosell would perform more admirably, and he's been dead for 12 years. And his own radio show? Gag us with an Orangeindividualswithoutgenderdesignation stuffed animal. Maybe if Mike spent more time studying his trade and less time sexually harassing Scott Van Pelt and other ESPN personalities, he'd be serviceable. But as this diagram (left) shows, he has less sports knowledge than that dude who comments on celebrity clothing for E!. But it doesn't stop there for Syracuse. Oh no. Jim Brown went there. You know, wife-beating, 'Mars Attacks' pimping, ridiculous hat wearing Jim Brown. Hey Jim, Barry Sanders was better. Stick that in your green hat. And finally, what commentary on the illustrious Syracuse alumni would be complete without the two winners shown below?

There he is, in all his glory, Marv "Rocky Horror Picture Show" Albert. Hey Marv, try biting into a steak, not a woman's posterior. And lastly, for all you Pittsburgh area readers. we leave you with this image:

Screw the Orange. Screw whiny ass Jim Boeheim. Screw Donovan McNabb and his Super Bowl flatulence. Screw Marvin Harrison and his Magnum PI mustache. screw Greg Robinson and his ever present "I just did 12 shots of Patron, bet you can't tell" look. Screw the Carrier Dome, screw those uniforms which make Pitt's look "classic", and lastly, screw you Gerry McNamara. We're out!


vito said...

Great research!
I'm just totally blown away!

Anonymous said...

Have you even been to Syracuse? The campus alone has more culture, class, and prosperity than the entire city of..... no, seriously it's a post apocalyptic hole. I was there last year for a game and there is nothing, nothing there. I was frightened. It's like walking into the twilight zone. Also Jim Boheim wears more make-up than all of Depeche Mode.

E Intrater said...

This blog sucks. Syracuse alum Mike Tirico is one of the best sports broadcasters in the world. There is a reason he covers the NBA Championships, the PGA Championships, Monday Night Football, and much more. So you are wrong there, idiots. Second, Syracuse has more tradition than Pitt will ever have. EVER. Hall of famer Jimmy B is still a coaching legend. Jim Brown is maybe the best lacrosse and football player to ever live. Cuse has more players in the NBA, NFL, and Major League Lacrosse then Pitt has. 'Cuse has the #1 communication school in the country. Syracuse also has the #1 public policy grad school in the country, along with plenty other top 5 programs. 'Cuse won the national championship in 2003. When was the last time Pitt won? It is funny how 'Cuse can have a couple down years in football, and a school like Pitt thinks that Syracuse is the worst place to be ever. Try looking at the bigger picture buddy. I think its funny how people have written "Jim Boheim wears more make up than all of Depeche Mode". WOW, GREAT INSULT! That's how you make fun of Syracuse? It's called tradition and history my friend. Something that Pitt may need 100 more years to say they have.

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

We're discussing sports here, so please stop referring to lacrosse as if more than 47 people in the United States care about it.

But thanks for stopping by!

E Intrater said...

looked up famous alumni on is pitts
Famous Alumni:Curtis Martin, Larry Fitzgerald, Tony Dorsett, Dan Marino, Mark May, Russ Grimm, Jimbo Covert, Marshall Goldberg, Hugh Green, Antonio Bryant, Mike Dita

Here is Syracuse's
Carmelo Anthony, Dave Bing, Jim Boeheim, Jim Brown, Keith Bulluck, Derrick Coleman, Tom Coughlin, Larry Csonka, Al Davis, Ernie Davis, Sherman Douglas, David Falk, Dwight Freeney, Gary Gait, Tim Green, Mavin Harrison, Jason Hart, Floyd Little, Donovan McNabb, Gerry McNamara, Gene Mills, Art Monk, Ryan Powell, Leo Rautins, Rony Seikaly, Etan Thomas, John Wallace, Hakim are the alumni in media and communications:
* Marv Albert- sportscaster
* L. Kelly Atkinson, Jr. - Director, NBC Sports
* Len Berman – sportscaster
* Tracy Breton - Pulitzer Prize winning reporter, Providence Journal
* Joe Castiglione- sportscaster
* Bob Costas - sportscaster, NBC
* Merrilee Cox - News Director, ABC News Radio
* Bob Dotson - journalist
* Fred Dressler - Executive Vice President, Time Warner Cable
* Ian Eagle - sportscaster
* Marc S. Ellenbogen - syndicated columnist, United Press International (UPI)
* Alan Frank - President, Post-Newsweek Stations, Inc
* Eric Frankel - President, Warner Bros. Domestic Cable Distribution
* Ruth Fremson - Pulitzer Prize winning News Photographer
* Marty Glickman – sportscaster
* Ed Goren- President, Fox Sports
* Robert Halmi, Jr. - President and CEO, Hallmark Entertainment
* Michael Harms - Editorial Director, MSN, Emerging Verticals
* Raymond Jansen - Publisher, President, and Chief Executive Officer, Newsday Inc.
* Megyn Kelly - Co-anchor of the daytime news program "America’s Newsroom" on Fox News
* Ted Koppel - broadcast journalist, Nightline
* Larry Kramer - President, CBS Interactive (former President of CBS
* Steve Kroft - co-editor and news correspondent, "60 Minutes"
* Michael Kranish - journalist
* David Levy - President, Turner Entertainment Group
* L. Ross Love - President and CEO, Blue Chip Broadcasting
* Harold E. Martin -- Pulitzer Prize-winning newspaperman, Montgomery Advertiser in Montgomery, Alabama
* Sean McDonough - sportscaster, ESPN
* Joe McNally - photographer, National Geographic, Sports Illustrated, etc.
* Bob Miron - Chairman & CEO, Advance/Newhouse Communications
* Bob Neumeier - American sportscaster for NBC Sports, specializing in thoroughbred racing.
* Donald Newhouse - President, Advance Publications
* S.I. Newhouse, Jr. - Chairman & CEO, Advance Publications/ Chairman, Conde Nast Publications
* Dave Pasch - Sportscaster, ESPN
* Lowell “Bud” Paxson- Chairman and CEO, Pax TV (also former founder of Home Shopping Network)
* Howard Polskin - Vice President, Communications, SONY Corporation of America
* Bob Reichblum - CEO, WebFN
* Andrew Rizzi - Sports Television Producer
* Alexander M. Roberts - Media Planner, Carat Media
* Dave Ryan - Sportscaster, ESPN
* Donald Sena - Managing Editor, MSN
* Bob Shannon (WCBS-FM) - Radio DJ/Announcer, CBS-FM New York
* Arun Shourie - Former Editor, The Indian Express
* Fred Silverman- Former President, NBC Television
* Jayson Stark- Journalist/ sportscaster, ESPN
* Dick Stockton – sportscaster
* John Sykes - former Chairman and CEO, Infinity Broadcasting (former president of VH1)
* Kenichi Takemura - commentator/anchorman on Japanese TV programs on politics and economy
* Mike Tirico - sportscaster, ABC/ESPN
* Robin Toner - Domestic Correspondent, The New York Times.
* Nick Trigony - President, Cox Broadcasting
* Stephanie Welsh - Pulitzer Prize winning Photojournalist
* John Noble Wilford - Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times Correspondent
* John Wildhack - Senior vice president, ESPN

E Intrater said...

oh and lacrosse is a sport, and we are good at it so im sorry you guys cant compete with a team

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Look pal, do you see us pimping Pitt's ridiculous record at the BE Swimming and Diving Championships? No. Do you know why? NO ONE CARES! I wouldn't be surprised if more people watched swimming and diving thatn watched lacrosse.

Oh, and you pulled out the wikipedia card. Can't refute anything that can be edited by alcoholics and crack heads. You've got us.

By the way, your list of famous Pitt alums didn't include NFLers: Kevan Barlow, Rickey Jackson, Reuben Brown, Tony Siragusa, Mark Stepnoski, Darelle Revis, Lousaka Polite, Rob Petiti, Charles Spencer, Tyler Palko, Alex Van Pelt, Matt Cavanaugh, Dave Wannstedt, Ramon Walker, H.B. Blades, Clint Session, Brandon Miree, Nick Goings, Kris Wilson, Bill Fralic, Anthony Dorsett, Darnell Dinkins, Shawntee Spencer, Hank Poteat, Andy Lee, Chris Doleman, and well I could go on, but I think you see how stupid it is to compare Pitt's football legacy to Syracuse's.

E Intrater said...

I cant believe you are trying to argue Syracuse football's legacy with Pitt's. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND SON?

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

You're overmatched and underarmed, child.

E Intrater said...

ya your right overmatched ad underarmed idiot...cuse owns the sports broadcasting world...and cuse has more dominant athletes in the pros right now than pitt does...and we have TRADITION....but wow your right man...

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Ok, we'll say that Jim Brown and Tony Dorsett/Curtis Martin is a tie (just to keep you from crying). We'll also call Ditka/Mackey a tie.

Name a Syracuse linemen better than (or equivalent to, for that matter) May, Fralic, Covert, Brown, Stepnoski.

Name a Syracuse QB better than Marino. Nevermind, don't embarass yourself by trying.

Your school is responsible for Bob Costas. Haven't you punished the world enough?

Jason said...

e intrater, are you joking? I live in Rochester and it's well known that Syracuse is an over-priced school for frat boys who didn't have a chance to get into Cornell, but their rich daddies wouldn't let them attend an affordable public school where they belong. Wow, the #1 communications school in the country. Who the hell cares about communications? I guess at least the athletes don't stick out by majoring in something like "liberal studies" as they do at real universities, because they can just major in "communications" like everyone else at that retarded school. Syracuse gave the world Bob Costas and Ted Koppel... Pitt gave the world Jonas Salk and the polio vaccine.

Anonymous said...

I'm not from Rochester, Syracuse or worse..**ittsburgh. I love how people in the CNY area who didn't go to Syracuse are so quick to bash, Cornell rejects? I'm sure had they gotten into Syracuse, they would have gladly accepted.

As far as tradition goes, I'd say overall sports Syracuse has the slight edge. Football, if we want to talk about current NFL players and history, it's about even. Basketball I mean lets face it, no one in the Big East can stand up to the tradition of Syracuse and UConn (maybe G'town). Hall of Fame coaches. The recent championships. And making of Jim Boheim and his "make up"? I just wonder how much hair product Jamie Dixon is using to try and look like Pat Riley.

Famous alums is a pointless discussion, especially with broadcasters. I mean seriously, does Mike Ditka ever make any damn sense on NFL Countdown? (Heard the recent Real Men of Genius: Mr. Former NFL Player announcer guy?) Give him a couple of years and he'll sound just like John Madden.

Academics hands down to Syracuse. Two words: Maxwell School

River_City_Rivalry_Champs said...

What I find to be funny about this entire discussion is how none of it has anything to do with the current programs.

Even funnier is that Syracuse still proudly points to Marv Alberts as an alum.

Funnier yet ... they're proud they have the sports broadcasting market cornered ... huh? Keep going cuse, keep contributing "important" people like Alberts and Tirico while Pitt modestly continues to produce the world's finest physicians and research scientists. It's obviously much more important to embarrass the tradition of Monday Night Football with the worst play-by-play in the institution's long history than it is to, geez, I dunno, cure polio or perfect organ transplants and cure cancer.

A big thumbs up from the rest of the world to you guys in the "Upstate" ... you're doing important things.

Anonymous said...

I just found out today that Ron Paul is a Pitt grad (got his PhD there anyway.) Ron Mother F'ing Paul! And he was a gynocologist. Another guy went to Pitt was the guy who cured polio or something.

But man, I wish that some day Pitt's communications department will be was Cuse's is. I believe in you Pitt! Reach for the stars! A top notch comms department and top notch broadcasters are the dream!

Anonymous said...

To paraphrase Bobby Knight, most of us learn how to write in the third grade, then we move onto other things. That said, I think it's awesome that Syracuse has taught so many how to read off of a teleprompter.

vito said...

Don’t tell me how great Syracuse is, Syracuse is a total shit-hole, all it does is rain, snow and fog up 365 days a year. Walk outside the Carrier Dome after Syracuse takes its normal beating and what do you see?

A highway, inter-state eighty one and two huge smokestacks that are spitting out toxic fumes over the campus, sounds like a few of you Syracuse fans have been inhaling that toxic shit too long. The only good thing about Syracuse is Joey’s restaurant in the Carrier Circle.

Also, Jim Boheim wears more make- up than Alice Cooper! He is the most over-rated coach in the big east!

He is also cheap!

He stiffs the staff at Joey's in Syracuse, now, I must say Jimmy is a class act top to bottom!

SU you are our bitches in football and basketball!

Anonymous said...

Very funny stuff. Completely wrong, but really funny. I'm a fan of your sense of humor if not your intellect. Seriously, I'll keep reading this blog for the humorous, highly entertaining content. Great stuff. Keep it up!

john said...

at least syracuse faculty do not cheat to get grants at the NIH. Pitt was written up in the Wall Street Journal for using unfair tactics to get grants. Pitt should be in Ohio with those scum who helped elect George Bush to another term. People in eastern Pennsylvania consider Pitt to be an outpost as it was in the 1700s. Syracuse is a classy, beautiful school with high class New Yorkers as students. Pitt is for West Virginians, mostly skanks.

Bluzman said...

The really funny thing here is that Dick Clark is also an SU grad.

In fact, I believe he was the halftime guest of honor when the Dome opened.

Meanwhile...hoops '09 is here.