Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Wlat Harris Arraigned

Stillwater, OK - Former Pitt Head Coach, Wlat Harris, was brought to court today on several counts of mediocrity in football coaching. Authorities have stated that Wlat has committed several crimes against college football and must be brought to justice. Prosecutor, Barry Switzer, condemned Harris' gameplanning, play-calling, and overall performance as "kinda crappy." Switzer continued, "Yeah, he beat some decent teams. Hell, he beat Miami his first year. Then he turns around and loses to gat damned Temple the next week. Who does that? I just couldn't figure this guy out. He did some good things and I'm thinking, 'well he finally figured it out.' Then we see the implementation of some bizarre spread offense. He recruits Larry Fitzgerald but doesn't even bother with a defense." After pausing to put in another Skoal Bandit, Switzer continued, "I took to calling him Prez41 - he has some potential but at the end of the day, he's just an average slap."

Switzer then shouted out in the courtroom, "This guy seemingly didn't even cheat. I mean, what the hell is that? It's as if he WANTED to be mediocre." Judge George Perles thundered, "Mr. Switzer - you will know your place in this courtroom. By God in heaven, I know what it means to strive and achieve mediocrity. Do you think a career record of 68-67-4 just happens by itself, you dumb redneck?"

Harris was in attendance with his legal team. Lead Attorney, Rand Om Joo, provided the Not-Guilty Plea to Judge Perles. "You're honor, we deny these charges and condemn this prosecutorial witch hunt. By the way, Judge, you have to come over and have some of my wife's Matzah balls; they're to die for." Fellow Harris legal counsel, Ari Levine, stated, "Oh yeah, Judge, they're the best. But can we wrap this up, quickly? I'd hate to have to use another quarter on the parking meter outside."

Judge Perles stated that Harris must remain in custody until trial time, "So the local Denny's waitresses can finally get some damned rest." "We will choose the jury when I get a few minutes. I'm very busy this week; I've got all sorts of retarded projects that are nice, but largely useless, for MSU. My duties on the Board of Trustees is very important to me."

Pantherrants will keep you posted on the case's developments.

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