The Heavenly Father spent about an hour with PR to answer some questions and clear up some misconceptions about life, sports and other topics.P.R. Thanks for taking the time, uhm, God.
God. Not a problem. Given the age in which we live, I'm trying to go out of my way to speak with the media as much as possible clear up any misconceptions.
P.R. What are some of those misconceptions?
G. First of all, people really need to stop with all of this crap like, "if God isn't a Pitt fan or a WVU fan, why is the sky blue and gold?" Or worse, "If God isn't a Penn State fan, why is the sky blue and white?" For starters, you sound like a complete loon saying such things. And secondly, if anyone's been paying attention to my work load in the past, I dunno, 30,000 years or so, they'd know immediately that I don't really follow sports.
Think about it, every day I wake up to an inbox LOADED with prayers. I have some guy in Tacoma asking for the hot brunette at his job to like him. Then I have some other dope in St. Louis asking for a better job. And I get a prayer almost hourly from a guy in Washington D.C. for brains. They don't look at me as their God. They look at me to be their lottery ticket out of whatever dogshit situation they've gotten themself into. Yeah, you dropped outta' college and now you want ME to just magically place your dream job in your lap. Riiiiiiiight.
And then add in all of these prayers from these families that have loved ones fighting in that war and do you REALLY think that I have three hours to set aside to watch sports? What I will do, is occasionally drop in on a game that I've received a lot of prayers on, just to see what all of the fuss is about. Like the one game a few years back involving your school and Notre Dame. Think it was 2001....
P.R. The game where R.J. English dropped the ball untouched as he was...
G. PWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, that was all me, dude. I couldn't help it. It was there and I just couldn't resist.
P.R. So it IS true. God really does hate Pitt.
G. That's not true. I just like to screw with Pitt. The University of Pittsburgh's a great institution, but I'm still making them pay for past sins.
P.R. You don't like dinocat either, huh?
G. What? No. Not that abortion. Their other sin: arrogance. Lemme' tell you a story:
About 35 years ago Pitt football was about as bad as it was. Pretty sure they went 1-10 a couple of years. You could park a Greyhound bus in Pitt Stadium and not obstruct one view. I start getting these prayers from a couple of die hard fans. "Please God. Please help our football team. It's so embarrassing. We promise. If you help us out we'll never forget it."
So I pulled a couple of strings and, viola, Johnny Majors comes to Pitt. And a few strings later Tony Dorsett's in the backfield and that team seemed to become dynamite over night. And in the beginning, the fans really were appreciative. I mean, they really did act as though this new found success was a gift from, well, me.
And then they won that National Title and everything changed. Instead of being appreciative, they became arrogant. They started acting like they invented football in 1973, kinda' like those goofballs in Blacksburg. And it was insidious. I mean, it affected everyone. Boosters, alumni, administration. Even the damn coaches. Suddenly this gift became a God given right. And now way are you gonna' tell ME what to do. I truly am the only one in the world that has no one to answer to. So, when Sherill left and Foge came in, I took it all away for awhile. Oh, I'll give it back one day. But not until I feel you guys deserve it.
P.R. Not to be nosey, but are we close to that day?
G. Well, you guys are closer than you were, but you still have a ways to go. But I do have good news: If you think I what I did to your school is bad, wait 'til you see what I have in store for Penn State when the old guy finally steps aside. I can't speculate, but I think you and your Pitt faithful will enjoy it immensely.
P.R. Is it true that you don't make no junk?
G. Ever been to Flint, Michigan?
P.R. Been through it.
G. I rest my case. Everyone has an off day sometimes.
P.R. Well, that's about all of the time we have for now. God, it's been a pleasure and I hope we can do this again some time.
G. I've enjoyed it immensely. Don't be a stranger.
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