Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Buddy Morris inks endorsement deal with 1990 Lincoln

PITTSBURGH (PR) -- University of Pittsburgh strength and conditioning coach Buddy Morris and the Lincoln Mercury divsion of Ford Motors Company announced a unique endorsement deal Friday.
Morris announced that Pitt football players will begin pushing the 1990 Lincoln Continental around campus as part of it's strength and conditioning program. Morris has been known for unconventional methods of conditioning, like pushing cars up Cardiac Hill, in the past. The "new" cars will be delivered to the UPMC South Side facility just as soon as they can be located in junk yards and transported on a rollback truck.
"I've always found vehicle pushing to be an effective means to teach pass blocking. And this car, given it's mediocre at best track record, was the perfect fit for us," Morris said in an exclusive telepathic interview with Panther Rants.
Built on the same platform as the Ford Taurus and Mercury Sable, the 1988 to 1994 Continental (pictured above) was intially regarded as a major accomplishment for American luxury car manufacturing when it was introduced. However, the car proved to be unreliable and expensive to maintain over time. Owners and dealers alike frequently complained about the vehicle's engine, transmission and automatic air ride suspension breaking.
"This car was a pain in the rear. You'd get the head gaskets fixed and then the rear air shocks would break and the ass end would drop to the ground. Then you'd get that fixed and the air conditioning would die. You never knew what was gonna happen next, but you knew it wouldn't be good...just like Pitt athletics. We feel this is a perfect marriage," said Dominic Chiapelli, director of public relations for the Lincoln division of Ford.
The car also won praise from head coach Dave Wannstedt.
"As you guys know, I love anything that takes me down memory lane and back to the 80's. The only thing that could have been better is if we'd signed a deal with Merkur. That car sucked, but I loved it!," Wannstedt said.
The press conference concluded with Morris and Chaipelli posing for photographs with the vehicle. Morris slammed his fist on the trunk and declared, "they don't make 'em like this anymore." Seconds later, a "pop" was heard and the front end of the vehicle began sinking.

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