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Monday, July 9, 2007

Clowser to Sport Revolutionary Helmet

PITTSBURGH (PR) - Chase Clowser doesn't have it easy as a University of Pittsburgh offensive lineman. Not only is he big and slow and has no athletic ability, his condition of being a legally retarded cement head further hinders his on-the-field performance. Due to insurance reasons, Chase is required by the NCAA to wear a specially-designed helmet on the football field due to his condition. In doing so, Clowser is forced add unnecessary additional weight to his already thick head. Not to mention, at 330 lbs (on the Moon), Clowser needs to be constantly nourished while on the field. These odd circumstances created a mire of problems for the Pitt football equipment staff and for Clowser to play to his full Pop Warner potential..until today.
In an over-exuberant announcement made by the Pitt Athletic Director Jeff Long, a revolutionary helmet designed by the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center has been unveiled. "After minutes of hard work and planning by the AD and UPMC, we are proud to introduce this revolutionary helmet to the football industry," Long said at a press conference at Southside Steaks. "This helmet was designed in mind with horizontally and mentally challenged football players everywhere that we plan to recruit in the near future." The helmet itself is made of a thin, plastic shell with no padding inside in order to provide absolutely no added protection and weight whatsoever. The in-helmet nourishment system, however, is the newest specification that is sure to make headlines.
With a simple removal of the top of the helmet shell, players like Clowser who need to eat every 5 seconds can reach and grab their favorite treats. There is also a mouth-level compartment for eating during in-game situations. "Now Chase can miss blocking assignments and munch on his buffalo wings at the same time," Long added. Clowser, also in attendance, took a few breaths between bites of his 5 cheesesteaks to show his excitement for the new helmet. "Chase happy...yum yum get helmet with food and chicken wings," Clowser said. "Chase like eat and football, now Chase do both at once! Yum yum...cheesesteak good."
The helmet will be sold at participating Sheetz stores and Quaker Steak and Lube restaurants.

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