Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Bizarre Actions the Result of Athletic Director 's Incapacitation; Wife Redesigned University Logo to Look "Cuter"

Pittsburgh --- The University of Pittsburgh revealed today that during the past six month most of the decision coming out of the Athletic Director's office were not the brainchildren of Jeff Long, but instead were issued by the Athletic Director's wife in light of Mr. Long's incapacitation. According to Pitt's SID, since December of 2006, Mr. Long has been in a tireless debate with a tub of oleo. "Mr. Long continued his debate during all of his waking hours, insisting that the dairy product, while tasty, was simply margarine, while the tub maintained its claim of truly being butter. This had completely occupied Mr. Long's time, essentially 24/7, since Christmas."

In a heroic effort to keep the spirits of the Pitt faithful buoyed, Mr. Long's wife opted to run the Athletic Department herself, shielding the public from Mr. Long's incapacitation. While few knew about the informal arrangement, many within the University community suspected something was amiss by some of the more recent decisions coming from the Athletic Department. "The first is when it was announced that over half of the Saturday games would be moved to weeknights because Mr. Long did not want attendance to suffer if the game conflicted with the hit CBS show "The Unit". Then when the University's logo was redesigned with puppy dog features in an effort to "cuten it up", we began having serious misgivings," the SID told the media. Mrs. Long revealed the truth after Mr. Long's dairy-based debate ended suddenly last week when the tub of margarine was destroyed by a bolt of lightning after being cautioned that it was not nice to fool with Mother Nature.


Wlat 3:16 said...

wtf is oleo?

Anonymous said...

wlat 3:16, oleo is what they called margarine when it was first introduced, like back in the 30's or something. My Granny called margarine oleo. It may even have been the first brand name. Kind of like band-aid.