Nordenberg comments on Pederson hiring

BLAWNOX -- University of Pittsburgh chancellor Mark Nordenhair sat down with the staff at Panther Rants and explained the logic behind hiring former athletic director Steve Pederson.

"Honestly, it was for you guys," Nordenhair said. "We had noticed that the blog had taken in a hit in recent weeks. And we feel for you guys. It's not easy to continue to put a funny spin on losing, even with that Tom Selleck look-alike as head coach. So I guess this is our way of providing new material."

Pederson was athletic director from 1996-2002, where he changed the logo, name, school colors, stadium, football and basketball coaches, booster club name, and increasing the number of on-field ceremonies from zero to roughly 19. Pederson left in 2002 to accept the athletic director job at his alama mater, the University of Nebraska, where he instilled the same amount of changes and was promptly fired in October. Pitt, showing its traditional desire to do a true search for for coaches or athletic officials, hired Pederson at a press conference Friday.

"If you guys have been digging for things to make funny lately, you won't be by the end of the month. Bet on it," Nordenhair said.

Steve Pederson is Back as AD!

Pittsburgh (PR)- Panther Rants has learned that the Pitt Administration will name Steve Pederson as the athletic, again! "This is a new era, well this is uh, uh, a repeat of a great time period in Pitt Athletics." said Mark Nordenberg, Sith Lord. In tradition or lack there of, Pederson plans to resurrect the Dinocat, dissolve the Panther Club, bring back Team Pittsburgh, go back to calling us Pittsburgh and gasp, new uniforms again. We all were wondering when would they change the Dinocat logo on the seats inside of Heinz Field, well we don't have to worry about that anymore. Some other things that we can look forward to is, the alienation of fans and 16 on the field celebrations during each football, basketball and baseball game.

Pederson does have a plan to bring Pitt, damn it, I mean Pittsburgh back to the upper level of mediocrity. It will start with the hiring, rehiring of Walt Harris. This will happen after next year when, Dave Wannstedt has another sub par year with top-notch talent. Of course, Steve will give Dave and Co. a 4 year contract extension so that when Dave gets the pink slip, we will be asked to donate more money to the Athletic Department.

We went around the city looking for responses to this announcement. Kirk, known on the internet circles as Pitt#10, was ecstatic. "This is the best thing to happen at Pitt since the last time he was hired." "He will bring back my good buddy Walt and everything will be good again."

The "spirit of Pitt Stadium" could not be found for a comment but we know that it is not pleased.

Walt Harris did not comment but did have one helluva big smile on his face.

We shall see what happens in this new, yet old era of Pitt Athletics, but we all know that you can go back to the future a third time. Just ask Marty Mcfly!

Ranteria!

Gremlins in Morgantown?

Morgantown is among the finalists for where Hollywood plans to shoot the next "Gremlins" movie. The directors took a liking to the Morgantown's method of celebrating a victory by burning couches and destroying everything they get their hands on. The students and fans also share the same traits as Gremlins: They're annoying, obnoxious, and they like to burn things. The only difference is Gremlins multiply with water and not their own relatives.

Hollywood is also talking to Noel Devine about putting on a Gremlins costume and playing the leader of the bad Gremlins. Rich Rodriguez is also being contacted about playing the white trash nutcase as well know by the name of "Murray". Rich or Noel were not available for comment, but we did get to talk to Owen Schmidt. Owen's take on the whole thing:

"I like Potatoes."

Pitt Football Plays with the WPIAL?

Pitt has been trying to find ways to solve attendance problems this year and they may have come up with a level-headed solution this time around. Instead of four games being played on the day of the WPIAL Championships, a fifth game will be added. It will most likely be when Pitt plays an opponent where they won't draw a whole lot. There's also talk of Pitt disguising itself as a high school team so no one knows the difference. Then again, seeing how they've played this year, it wouldn't be much of a disguise.

Syracuse gives Robinson Another Year

Syracuse decided to retain head coach Greg Robinson for another year citing "coaching stability". We talked to AD Daryl Gross in a telepathic interview and here's what he meant by that:

"What we mean by stability is you have to look at when Temple was in the Big East. They always finished very low in the Big East. Now that's stability right there. I mean we could look for another competent coach, but why disrupt the conference. Being at the bottom, it gives the good teams in the conference the likeness of a bye week and gives the lesser teams some false confidence after they beat us. Not to mention it helps their won-loss records. That's what we're trying to establish in this conference. The upper-tier, the middle, and the lower-tier. Keeping Greg, we're going to accomplish that."

Ohh-kay.......


Pitt Basketball goes NAIA?

Pitt's recruiting loss of Kevin Jones to WVU has draw a lot outrage of Pitt fans. So much, that the alumni and fans are pressing the administration to drop the program down to the NAIA. We asked one die-hard Pitt fan about his thoughts on this. Here's what he had to say:

"It's clear we can keep up in recruiting. Now I know what Pitt basketball has done in the past few years, but it just isn't good enough. If we drop to the NAIA, we can develop rivalries with local colleges like Point Park. That would be a great city game. I mean look what Dave Wannstedt has done for the football program. He's brought in top level recruits, 1976, tradition, nine time national champions, 12-0, Fitz Jerseys, Dan Marino.....'

After that, the fan just started rambling on and repeating himself.

Les Miles Sets New Record

LSU head coach Les Miles has entered himself in the Guiness Book of World Records. Last Friday, Mr. Miles took the biggest crap ever record in world history. It defeated the record set by U2's Bono back when he was born. Actually, it's Bono's dad that has the record. Bono was the crap. It took Les about five hours to shit it out and had to work overtime to do so.

The conference record for biggest crap record goes to the Big East in 2006. Rich Rodriguez, Bobby Petrino, and Greg Schiano all took large craps in consecutive weeks. We talked to Les Miles on the phone about his record and here's what he had to say:

"I'm not going to say much about it. If things don't work out in the SEC, at least we finished first in something. Well I gotta run, I have to catch the plane to Ann Arbor."

Les Miles talking to Michigan? If he goes there, it looks like we'll see some more shitting records.

Nordenberg Confirms Pitt Football's Future

Pittsburgh - Speculation that Pitt is considering dropping football were denied today by Pitt's big shit High Chancellor/His Highness, Mark Nordenberg. "Let me dispel the rumors that we are eliminating Pitt football. Just because the team stinks doesn't mean we need to get rid of it."

Nordenberg said speculation stems from UPMC. "Let's face facts - this school is basically just the medical school and hospital. Everything else just bows down to them, including myself. I mean, come on, we don't even have an Athletic Director anymore. Those guys say the football team is the best source for their studies on head injuries and torn ACL's so they have no interest in discontinuing the team. But we have no need for the team to be successful, just to continue to get hurt."

PItt players have obliged the Chancellor's and his masters at UPMC's wishes for the past 2 seasons. "We've seen great injuries from Clermond, Jacobsen, Kinder, Stull, Dexter Davidson, and several others. This has been everything noted egomaniac, Dr. Freddie Fu, could have wished for."

Nordenberg continued by stating that they have no interest in spending the time and money to field a competitive football team. "We don't need all that mess. If they win, I guess that'll shut up a couple people for a few minutes but we could really give a crap. Losing really is fine, and in fact, opens up my calendar for a lot more important things, like kissing the ass of the UPMC executives and avoiding the fact that there is no reason for Bigelow Boulevard not to be closed."

Pitt fans can rest assured that this plan is not new. "Pitt came up with this plan back in 1982. We had enough of all that winning and excitement. Wlat Harris was a little bump in the road but we brought in Coach Wannstedt to fix all that up and he's done his job." Asked about his thoughts on Saturday's 100th installment of the Backyard Brawl, Nordenberg commented, "Yeah, that's great. Some slap rednecks care but I've got more important things to do. I've got a brand new 12 foot mirror coming to the house. I plan on staring into that thing all weekend so don't bother me with this football non-sense."

Panther Rants Presents "The Truth: West Virginia"

Wanny's Brilliant Gameplan

North Shore - Last night on Panthers Weekly, Coach Wannstache gave his gameplan for beating WVU. (sorta paraphrasing) "We've got to hold them to 8-10 play drives."

Go back and read that. He didn't say 3 play drives. The retarded bitch with mange on his crappy moustache said 8-10 play drives. This man has 30+ years of coaching experience. Just ask him. And his brilliant plan is to allow the competition to have long, sustained drives.

This really shouldn't be a surprise after his suggestion that Navy being held to 8 minute drives would be a great idea. Yeah - any time you can keep the opponent's offense on the field, you know you're doing great. You retarded ape. I hate you. Please quit before we officially are I-AA.

And someone please tell me why this retarded slap continually has the "darnit - if they just would have done [insert: what a good coach would have gotten them to do] we wouldn't be in this mess."
3 years we've watched this putz in a perpetual state of frustration. Dave - give up. Your health isn't worth it.

Enter the Ruin the Hoopies' Season Zone

Welcome Panther faithful to the Factor for this Monday, November 26th, 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, particularly when it is time for the Brawl. We'll gloss over last Saturday's debacle versus UBG. Suffice to say, the defense once again got ZERO assistance from the offense (speaking of which, did Pat Bostick get drafted by the New York Giants?). We here at the factor again state that if the offense and defense finally get on the same page for one 60-minute stretch, this team could MAKE PLAYS and win games. But now we turn our attention to West Virginia and the 100th edition of the Backyard Brawl, the subject of this week's He Who Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo.

West Virginia. Those two words conjure up a wide range of images, from this:


to this:


West Virginia. Home of people who chant at UConn hoopers, "Go back to Africa". Home of people who print up t-shirts like this. We here at the Factor could not think of a citizenry or fan-base more deserving of being ranked #2 in the BCS than West Virginia's. This is a football program that recruits only the highest quality student-athlete (right). Their freshman running back has fathered more kids before age 19 than most Sultans have in their lives. My 6th grade biology class was more rigorous than most WVU science classes. Their football coach fools around almost as much as He Who Went to Bowl Games and keeps playing the WVU administration to get raises. Their offense is more of a gimmick than the single wing. There is no earthly reason anyone outside of the 500,000 inhabitants of West Virginia and their 2,000,000 teeth should be rooting for WVU this weekend. And indeed, this is being borne out, as fans of college football everywhere are rooting against WVU this weekend. Hell, the Factor has friends from Beijing who are rooting against WVU, and they couldn't tell a football from a bowl of gumbo.

The challenge ahead of the Panthers this weekend looks daunting. WVU is better defensively than last season, and their offense is humming like a Morgantown coed on Rich Rod's scrotum. The Panthers need to take care of the ball this weekend. As much care as Rich Rod takes to keep his little black book from his wife. The Panthers need to play solid positional defense, as solid a defense as WVU invests in keeping Pat Lazear out of prison. If Pitt does not beat themselves this weekend, the game will remain close.

Stay tuned to Panther Rants this week as we bring you even more reasons to dislike WVU, and the hard-hitting analysis you need to feel confident about your beloved Panthers going into this weekend. And fear not, true, your beloved Panthers have become the team who sucks, but who can ruin other teams' seasons. It may be depressing to see a once proud program reduced to such levels, but be heartened Pitt fans, for Hoops season is upon us.

Pitt's "Special" Teams

Heinz Field - In another display of fantastic coaching, Pitt's "special" teams allowed South Florida to run an obvious fake punt for a first down. Not to be outdown on the defensive side of special teams, Pitt's field goal squad then faked a FG, which was not executed well and resulted in a turnover on downs. Pitt head coach, Dave Wannstedt, elaborated. "Our special teams truly are 'special.' Everyone gets a participation award for their play. Call it a part of Pitt football reaching out to the disadvantaged. Everyone knows what special teams coach, Charlie Partridge, is...what do you call the slow kids this days?...handicapped, or whatever. We'll just say he drools a lot. But it's good for the kids to be around those types - they learn to spend time with those that don't have all the gifts they do. Pitt started this program years ago when we hired that retard...I mean..'challenged' guy, Brian Deal, to handle recruiting. That worked out so well that we brought on Paul Rhodes and now Partridge."

Pitt special teamer Mike Yancic commented. "It's great to spend time with Charlie. He's a real nice guy - always trying to get us to give him candy. Always has a smile on his face. Sometimes he gets upset real easy but someone just rips a fart and he starts laughing again."

Coach Partridge echoed his joy at being involved in the program. "Charlie like having friends. Coach treat him real good - give him chicken nuggets and ice-cream!"

Paul Rhoads makes a vow....

(Pittsburgh)(PR) In an exclusive telepathic interview today, Panther Rants has learned that Paul Rhoads has taken a new vow and it is directly related to Pitt Football. Paul stated that he will not shave until Pitt returns to a bowl game. Rhoads said "I was going to set my sights a little higher, but we have sucked so bad that I figured that I would at least set an obtainable goal." Paul is well on his way with a full goatee. There has been some speculation that Pitt's Defensive Coordinator has went to the mountains and witnessed the burning bush. Panther Rants has learned that this is the truth. We have seen a pathetic defense start to come into it's own in recent weeks and has actually shown some promise for the near future.

There is no way that kind of transformation happened on it's own. It had to be Divine intervention. Yet, others believe that he had a lunch meeting with the chosen one himself Walt Harris.

In a related event if Pitt does not make it to a bowl Paul has already sent video to his old coaches favorite band, ZZ TOP for an audition in advance. "Hell, Walt told me that they are awesome in concert and that I would probably have a nice beard and out of a job" stated Rhoads. We feel that it would be a perfect set up as well. Panther Rants wishes you well Mr. Rhoads.

Butt Rock Friday

A question was posed by a wise man long ago. It was: Can Three Doors Down save Rock N' Roll? Well we still don't know that answer. Maybe one day we will know that answer.

Happy Thanksgiving from the Rants

It's Thanksgiving, the family will be over soon, we are all tired and maybe a bit hung over. There won't be any new articles coming today or tomorrow but we wanted to provide some of our readers (all three of you) with a chance to read some of the older stuff we threw together.

Here we have tow of the best articles ever written for the site (a tremendous accomplishment, of course). Enjoy, and remember to pray to Wlat over the turkey tonight.

Dinocat Found Dead

An Abrupt Ending

The Truth: Souf Florida

Enter the Bad Geography Zone

Welcome Panther Fans to the Factor for this Tuesday November 20th, 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, especially to bid a fond farewell to our seniors. Well, last weekend needs little rehashing. The offense set organized football back 80 years, while the defense suddenly became the '85 Bears. We here at the Factor swear if the two sides of the ball could ever just put one complete game together, this team would be decent to mediocre. But as it is, the team is 4-6, and staring 5-7 in the face. Why 5-7 and not 4-8? Because the insufferably overrated South Florida Bulls come to town this week, and this matchup is the subject of today's He Who Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo.


South Florida. Those two words conjure up images of South Beach, lovely hispanic women, mountains of cocaine, and drive-by shootings. One thing that doesn't come to mind is Tampa Bay. Why? Because Tampa Bay is in CENTRAL FLORIDA. If there's one thing that pisses Gaming Points off, it is people who have no grasp on geography. And people from Boston. But mostly the geography thing. This is just one of a million reasons to dislike The University of Bad Geography. However, before we get to the other 999,999 reasons, let's focus on the one reason to watch UBG football (below right). This sumptuous specimen of the fairer sex has been a die-hard UBG fan for the last 6 weeks, making her the record-holder for longest fan tenure of this storied program. She has it all: looks, breasts, cowboy hat, tank-top, heaving chest, sculpted pecs, sub-90 IQ, saline implants, brown hair, attention-grabbing melons. Simply put, Jenn Sterger is the epitome of UBG football. When she ceases to be a fan (likely after UBG loses to Pitt this weekend) and switches allegiance to Florida Atlantic University, UBG will return to their rightful place in the pecking order. Namely, Somewhere on the care meter between wheat and rye.

But now, let's focus on the reasons we should dislike UBG. The #1 reason is obviously this clown here, QB Matt Grothe.


This wannabe QB demonstrates all that is bad about hype. First of all, the guy is less accurate than I am after 12 shots of Patron (The Factor is always looking for sponsors). Second, what the hell is going on on the top of that boy's head? Gaming points would say it is a mohawk, but it looks more like a mold has taken root and is spreading about. Lastly, through not fault of his own, though we will hold him accountable, USF fans (who will be dealt with soon) are so football stupid they wear shirts that say 'Grothe > Tebow'. Really? You're prepared to make that argument? I wonder how may of the USF fan-base were pissed off after they enrolled and realized they were going to school in the place grandparents go to die?

As Gaming Points is running short on time, we'll condense the last 999,998 reasons to hate UBG into two phrases. USF fans and Caveman Leavitt. Neither could be more lame if they tried, and that's saying a lot since they both try really hard to do so.

Before we go, the Factor would like to wish everyone a safe and happy Turkey day, and as you prepare to give thanks before gorging yourselves, remember smallpox and tuberculosis for all they have done to make this country ours. We're out, Go Pitt and Screw UBG!

Slap 10 - November 18

Panther Rants couldn't be happier that this week is Thanksgiving. We love turkey, we love stuffing, we love being surrounded by moron relatives for a day to remind us why we only see these people once a year. It'll be extra nice this week because of three straight days of football, including Arizona State and USC on Thanksgiving night. In the meantime, here are a few things that we noticed this week. Some we laughed at. Some made us cry. Some, inexplicably, made us fart.

10. FAT SPORTS WRITERS
Someone please explain to me how a 7-4 Auburn team, that was off this week and royally killed by Georgia in its last game, creeps back into the top 25 when 8-4 Texas Tech and 8-3 South Florida both posted wins yesterday? Do these idiots even bother to read the box scores in the newspapers that they work for?


9. JOE TILLER
Tiller wins this year's Frank Beamer award, since no one is better at starting 6-0 and finishing 7-5 than Joe. Tiller's still a vast improvement of Jim Colletto and the other tards Purdue has had over the years. But the fact remains that this guy is the shining pillar of mediocrity. Since making the Rose Bowl in 2000, Purdue has played in the Sun Bowl, the Champs Sports Bowl, and a buncha other crap bowls.

8. YAWYAWYAWYAWYAWYAWYAW...CLOCKRADIO!

7. Arizona.
The wildcats and winning again so it must be November. After starting 2-6, the Wildslaps have rallied for three straight wins. Arizona's that one guy we all know at work that dicks around Monday, Tuesday and half of Wednesday, only to go absolutely insane and have everything done by mid-day Friday.

6. Cal
The Cal Bears went from a quarterback scramble away from being ranked number 1 to losing five of its last six, including losses to UCLA, Ed Orgeron State and Washington. Cal's the one guy we know at work that pushes ahead on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday only to not even show up on Friday. Sometimes, he even takes a half-day on Thursday.

5. Pitt
Pitt has the most exciting team in college football, as they find a different way to lose or almost lose every single week. A month and a half ago it was an overthrown fade route in overtime when the freshman running back had run for about 806 yards. Then it was the freshman running back fumbling on the goal line against Louisville. And yesterday, we saw the fade route get called for offensive pass interference. Mix in starting the game with an onsides kick and you have a show that's only rivaled by Curb Your Enthusiasm for humor.

Pitt's the guy at the office that just doesn't give a shit, but wants you to believe that he does.

4. Hawaii
The Disgrace to Good Football Tour made its way to Reno, Nevada Friday night where The Rainblow Warriors needed a last second field goal to defeat the Nevada Wolfpack in a game that ended on ESPN about 17 minutes before College Gameday came on. In a rare smart move, the pollsters actually dropped Hawaii from 14 to 16 after the near-loss, as a couple of sports writers with indigestion from downing too much cheap press box food actually watched the game.
Thankfully, this farce should be ending Friday when Boise State makes its way to island.

3. Alabama
again And what the hell is the matter with you and your SEC brother, Florida, scheduling these bullshit games for mid-November? No one wants to see Florida play Florida Atlantic on the third Saturday of the month? People wanna' see games that matter. Not this garbage. So screw Bama, screw Florida and screw Duke too for scheduling a cupcake Notre Dame team.


2. Clemson
The Tigers have the biggest stadium in the ACC, the biggest fan base in the ACC and the smallest list of accomplishments in the ACC. The list didn't grow at all this weekend as Clemson once again choked when in mattered the most in a 20-17 loss to Boston Garbage. Clemson has now gone 16 years without an ACC championship, and has somehow managed to cock-tease its fan base for 23 of those.

1. Alabama
In case you didn't hear, Alabama, led by modern deity, Nick Saban, a true hero among men, who looks like Huey Lewis, lost to Louisiana-Monroe at home yesterday 21-14.The Tide, which was ranked in the top 25 by those MENSAs in the sports writing and coaching fraternity as recently as last week, dropped to 6-5 on the season.

Pitt - Buttgers: Live Wlog!

All times PST.

9:04 - Roll out of bed in time to see the infamous gold jerseys. Maybe I'm still drunk? Oh, and the sharp Sarah Kustok tells us about the mythical 'waiting list' for Buttgers tickets. This is taking on WMD proportions.

9:08 - Apparently during the bye week Pitt took special teams lessons from the Steelers.

9:12 - Direct quote "Lovelace can throw the ball very effectively" as they display his season completion percentage of 33.....

9:21 - And He Who Went to Bowl Games returns as a goblin to call a quick kick that travels 7 yards. Innovative!

9:23 - Make that a 4-yard punt.

9:25 - Cox benefits by being ridiculously beat! INT!

9:27 - Most abysmal play-calling I've ever seen. What a fucking pussy set of plays, Cavanaugh. You have momentum on your side so you run up the middle three straight times. Yeah, Buttgers will never expect that.........what a joke.

9:32 - Sack and fumble by Scott McKillop!! If they waste this opportunity.......

9:39 - The most unbelievable series of plays I've ever seen. I can't even describe it.

9:41 - 8 tries inside the 5 and we're kicking a field goal. This, my friends, is Pitt Football.

9:43 - Nevermind, we're going for it and.......WE GET IT!!!!!! TD STRONG! Wow, what a result following a bizarre series of plays.

9:49 - Way to keep the momentum building....nothing like giving up a long TD pass. Well done.

9:59 - Buttgers player is down, and Schiano is out there. What good can he possibly be doing there?

10:05 - INT Scott McKillop!!!!

10:12 - And after a FG that looks like it was kicked by me, we get nothing out of the TO. Meanwhile, the titanic Fat 10 matchup between overrated #1 and overrated #2 is 7-3, with the number of people asleep outnumbering the number of yards gained.

10:28 - Weak PI call leads to a Rice TD run, highlighted by poor tackling and being out of position. In other words, the Rhoads' defense we've come to loathe over the last half-decade.

10:42 - Our offense is abysmal. Without McCoy, I shudder to think where this team would be. I'm starting to lose faith that Pat Bostick will develop into a D1 QB. He can't seem to complete a pass over 5 yards, he isn't mobile enough to avoid pressure, and frankly his footwork is frightening.

11:01 - Well, we get the ball first, let's see what adjustments (snicker) were made at halftime.

11:02 - Kevan Smith is apparently coming in at QB......let's see how this goes.

11:09 - Smith shows some mobility, but our passing game is still nowhere to be seen.

11:15 - The defense is playing very well today, too bad the offense can't help them out. And on cue, the offense shoots itself in the foot again. Expect Buttgers to score a TD on this drive.

11:23 - See? God damn it, the defense plays well, takes momentum back, but the offense won't do shit.

11:35 - Nice drive stalls because of some ridiculous shit. If not for Lee's horrendous 31-yard miss, we'd (somehow) be down by 1.

11:51 - Our offense is abysmal.

11:57 - This might be the best game the defense has played in 5 years. Shockingly, the offense won't be able to put 7 on the board. Just watch.

12:02 - See?

12:08 - And here is where our defense spits the bit and gives up a TD.......

12:11 - Dropped INT, Buttgers with a FG atempt. And it is good, Buttgers by 4. By the way, The Fat 10 still sucks.

12:15 - Good starting field position. Let's see how the offense can screw this up.

12:19 - We fucking suck.

12:23 - Our offense fucking sucks. Our defense is playing balls out.

12:31 - WEAK PI call. Fucking weak. How much did Guido pay the refs for that one? Nice fucking game refs.

Fucking Buttgers is awful, and should never have won this game. This is only a testament to how bad our offense is.

Butt Rock Friday

This week, we bring back Butt Rock Friday after it's long hiatus. Actually we were just too damn lazy to post along with Ranteria and the Wanny Press Conference. But those will be back next week. This week's Buttrock has a New Jersey theme to it. The State of New Jersey has yet to apologize for Bon Jovi. Because of them, 40 something year old women still live in 1988. What's worse is the younger women in their 20's dressing and looking like they are from 1988. Note to those skanks: Screw the bar basement slut look. Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty, And meet me tonight in Atlantic City.

We Take a Break From Making Buttgers' Fans Cry Like Little Girls

To applaud this article from Mark Starr at Newsweek. As we here at Panther Rants have been saying for years now, the Fat Ten is overrated.


Eff the Fat Ten

The Truth: Buttgers

Interview With Momma Rice

Piscataway - Pantherrants was able to sit down with Rutgers' biggest fan, Momma Rice.

PR: "First off, Big Momma, thanks so much for sitting down with us. How many cheeseburgers can you eat at once?"

Rice: "15 at one sitting, including buns. You don't get this big without knowing how to pack away some meat; Gandolfini and I have a lot in common."

PR: "Big Momma, how is your boy enjoying himself at Rutgers?"

Rice: "Oh my yes. He loves the fact that there are 75 different campus locations covering approximately 800 square miles. I mean, who would want to have their university in one central location - what fun is that?"

PR: "Have you noticed a change in Rutgers fans since over the years?"

Rice: "Definitely. No one showed up for years. Fans didn't care. Then came last year where they went to their 3rd bowl ever; a crappy 3rd tier bowl game. They won - their first ever. Obviously, you can see how this puts them on par with the Notre Dames, Michigans, Alabama's and Pitts of the college football world."

PR: "That seems a bit odd. How does one crappy bowl win gain Rutgers entry into the college football elite?"

Rice: "Because Big Momma says so. Also, because New Jersey is full of pricks that think they're awesome."

PR: "Big Momma - I'd like to point out that no one in the country has favorable feelings of NJ. It's viewed as a hell hole on par with Alabama, Mississippi, and Wlatland. It's nothing more than the crappy suburbs of Philly and NYC."

Rice: "Shhh...don't say that so loud or I'll get mad. And when I get mad, I get hungry. And when I get hungry, I get nervous and start eating a bag of dicks."

PR: "Big Momma - why are you shown on tv, on average, 100 times per game?"

Rice: "Because the NYC media is a bunch of retarded pricks that think people care."

PR: "I appreciate the honesty. By the looks of it, it seems that you and Ray-Ray are pretty close."

Rice: "oh, we are. Ray still needs his Big Momma. I cook his food, iron his clothes, comb his hair, and suck his balls."

PR: "Wow, that's pretty out of control."

Rice: "Big Momma takes care of her kids. That's how we roll in NJ."

PR: "Big Momma, this article sucks. What can we do to make it funnier?"

Rice: "Throw in a jew joke."

PR: "Ok - how do you get 20 jews into a bus?"

Rice: "Throw a quarter into it."

PR: "You've heard that one before, I see. So tell me, Big Momma, what are your thoughts on the game this week against Pitt?"

Rice: "I have several. First, Ray-Ray is going to run wild on that dumbass, Paul Rhodes. The man is an idiot and anyone not named Dave Wannstedt can see that. Second, Rutgers will win - we won one crap bowl game ever. Therefore, we should never lose again. My third prediction is that I will gain more weight."

PR: "Not really bold, Big Momma. Any closing thoughts?"

Rice: "I'll leave you with a fun fact: Rutgers was founded in the 18th century as a haven for homosexual men. To this day, that ethos still reverberates throughout the school."

PR: "Never knew that. That's good to know it's an "open" school. And here we thought the only good thing Rutgers ever did was give us Asia Carrera."

Rutgers hates America

Freedom of speech or no? Discuss.

Lost scene from The Sopranos finale

Jersey high school, "we want our stadium back."

Paramus Catholic high school in New Jersey has asked Rutgers University if they can have theirstadium back at the end of the season.

The Scarlet Knights allegedly "borrowed" the field from the schoolafter many unsuccessful attempts to draw fans to the New JerseyMeadowlands for games. However, much like a typical neighbor in atypical housing development, Rutgers has yet to return the stadium. Paramus school president Father William DeBlase said in a telepathicinterview that he is hoping to recify the problem as soon as the Scarlet Knights season is over.

"Look, if these were some hedge clippers or a rake, I'd say 'hell withit,' but this is a bit bigger than that," DeBlase said.

Since Rutgers "borrowed" the stadium, Paramus has been playing at anearby public park, making it difficult to enforce ticket policies andgenerate revenue. DeBlase said he has mentioned the issue to Rutgers preisdent, Richard McCormick, but that there has been no movement.

"I was raking some leaves in the yard when McCormick pulled into his driveway. I said, 'hey umm, Dick, you wouldn't happen to be finished with that stadium you borrowed yet, are you?' He said he'd take a look for it. What the hell does that mean? You're either done with it or you aren't," DeBlase said.

Meanwhile, Rutgers has painted the stadium red and treated it like its own. Repeated requests for telepathic interviews with Rutgers officials were not returned.

With Rutgers reaching bowl games the past two seasons and eligible for a third this season, DeBlase is hoping that Rutgers will either build its own stadium or keep Paramus' and build the catholic high school a new stadium. Rutgers, depsite having three winning seasons in the past713 years, has speculated about expanding its stadium to have an additional 20,000 empty seats for when times are lean again. DeBlase said he doesn't care what happens with his current stadium as long as his school's football team has a place to play.

"It would be nice if they gave back the basketball gymnasium too, but we'll worry about that later," DeBlase said.

Slap 10 - Nov. 12

The Slap 10 took a week off last week after the Pitt-Syracuse game bored us to sleep for the week. What readers noticed was that the Slap 10, Mediocre Athletics factor, Wannstedt press conference and other items did not make it onto the blog last week. What readers did not see was that, the play of these two teams bored us so much that we slept through three days of work, missed the weekday games and woke up just in time to see our significant other leaving with some guy named "Dirk"....or maybe it was Kirk. Who knows? We were half awake.
Regardless, here's the 10 things we noticed this week in college football.

10. Nike
Apparently there was a memo distributed throughout college football this weekend, reminding the to wear their ugliest. West Virginia broke out its "Banana Incest" line of attire while Georgia pulled a Calvin pissing sticker on tradition and wore an all black jersey. Both of these schools are Nike schools, of course, the same school that gave you Purdue's all urine gold from a couple of years ago and Florida State in all black despite the fact that black isn't an official school color. The only thing Nike did right this weekend were the Cal throwback uniforms, and that's only because they looked like old school Pitt.

9. Tom Osborne
Tom's been brought back to Huskerland to replace our least favorite person in Pitt history, Steve Pederson. Osborne, however, isn't very high on the favorite list either, with his lack of discipline in regards to Christian Peter, Lawrence Phillips and a host of other thugs that were on his powerhouse teams of the 1990s. But that has nothing to do with why we're annoying by him now. Tom, we know you support "Big Red," but lose the damn red blazer. You look like the televangelist we all have woken up to at 4 a.m. when we fell asleep on the couch with the TV on.

8. Sly Croom
Major props to Sly, who upset overrated Alabama 17-12 Saturday to get the Bulldogs to 6-4 and bowl eligible. With games against Arkansas and Ole Miss upcoming, Mississippi State could finish with eight wins.

7. Temple
Speaking of uniforms, could you guys pick one and fucking stick with it? A few years ago it was a pissed off owl logo. Then it was back to the old "T." Now we have the slashes on the pants and the school name on the helmet. What next year? Maroon jerseys, white pants and a picture of Mark Macon on the helmet? You guys are worse than Pitt.

6. Fat 10
As much as we would have loved to see Ohio State get throttled by LSU or Oregon, we were damn glad to see the top two in the Fat 10 go down this weekend. And we'd love to see Michigan beat Ohio State to finish the season, meaning the Fat 10 representative in the Rose Bowl would have a loss to Appalachian State. "Call your cable provider and tell them...."

5. Miami
We'd like to officially thank the Hurricanes for participating in this year's college football season. Please pick up your commemorative, "check it out, we're the Fordham of the 21st century" t-shirts on your way out. Chalk up another loss, Dawg! The once proud Miami goes anally raped by Virginia -- not Virginia Tech, Virginia -- 48-0 to close the Orange Bowl. The Hurricanes will play about an hour away from campus next year at Dolphins Stadium, making it easier for its nouveau riche alums to attend but suffocating any student involvement. And while we're bitching....

4. Miami Police and City Council
The police announced last week that anyone caught stealing anything from the Orange Bowl would be prosecuted for larceny. They said they wanted fans to obtain the items "legally" through an auction. No, you wanted fans to obtain the items in the way that would line your pockets best. Listen, looting a stadium is what makes America great. And that built is owned by the city, meaning that it's upkeep is paid for by taxpayers....WHICH MEANS IT'S THEIR FUCKING STADIUM TOO!

So ya know what? Fuck you, City of Miami. You built two basketball arenas in less than 20 years for the Miami Heat because the first one didn't have enough luxury boxes for Wayne Huizenga's and he held you hostage. But you're gonna' prosecute anyone who steals a SIGN from the Orange Bowl? Know what? Steal a seat for you and me too.

3. Hawaii
This blog has always bee in full support of Hawaii football. They have provided necessary entertainment over the years late at night after coming home from the bars empty-handed. Who doesn't love the idea of football that starts at midnight? But dammit, this tea just can't make the BCS. Can't. I'm sorry. They've survived squeakers against crap teams like Louisiana Tech, San Jose State and Saturday allowed 30 points to Fresno State. Should the Warriors make a BCS game, not only will they only take about 1,000 fans because of the cost of airfare off of the mainland, they'll set back the argument of non-BCS schools 18 years with the 66-6 ass-kicking they'll receive.

2. Mike Leach
We like Leach because he's crazy. He has a weird obsession with Blackbeard and pirates in general and is Steven Wright if he were a football coach. But Leach crossed a line when he bitched about officiating in Texas Tech's 59-43 loss to Texas Saturday. “Am I condemning the crew? Hell yeah, I’m condemning the crew," he said in a post game rant. hey Mike, am I condemning your defense? Hell yeah, I'm condemning your defense. You scored 43 points and you wanna' blame the refs? Try tackling someone.

1. Wyoming coach Joe Glenn
Glenn lost his cool when Utah kicked an onsides kick up when they were beating the Cowboys 43-0 and gave the Utes the finger? Thats not what we take issue with. We take issue with the fact that he apologized for it Monday.

“I also want to apologize to all fans for that action. Football is an emotional game, and I let my emotions get the best of me,” he said. “I felt it was appropriate for me to let my team and all fans know that I am truly sorry for that emotional moment.”

No Joe, when any team onside kicks against yours when you're losing 43-0 you're allowed to flick 'em off, moon 'em or masturbate on their field as far as we're concerned. Yes, we're aware that Joe Glenn "guaranteed" a win against Utah, but that's a coach's job; to instill confidence in his team. What Utah did in response was straight-up classless. But, having met Utah people at the 2005 Fiesta Bowl, we're not surprised.

Enter the Buttgers is still "turning the corner" to "sleeping giant" zone.

Welcome once again Pitt Panther faithful to the factor for this Monday, November 12th, 2007. I'm your host and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, especially when Pitt is about to take on the Buttgers Scarlet Gandolfinis. The Panthers are coming off of a bye week, while Rutgers put a very un-Veterans day-like whooping on the US Military Academy. This game will likely end up determining who finishes 4th in the Big East, and is the topic of this week's He Who Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo.


Buttgers. Seriously? First of all, people bag on Pitt's schedule, but have you looked at Buttgers'? Buffalo? Norfolk State? Army and Navy? Jesus, Buttgers plays so many service academies you'd think they were Notre Dame. Buttgers has been the sleeping giant of college football since 1869. Unfortunately for fans of this program, Buttgers seems to have overdosed on Lunesta. The savior of this program, Greg Schiano (right), looks and acts like everyone's 7th grade gym teacher. We here at the Factor can only imagine what Buttgers' practices must be like. "Ok, Teel, I want you to get the garbage cans. Ray. Ray! Go get the tricycles. Time for three-wheeled basketball! Someone go get Underwood and Britt, tell them to stop watching 'The Toxic Avenger'". Classic. Epic. This is Buttgers Football.

And what on earth is with the chopping wood shit? Yeah Greg, keep chopping wood. One day that will be just as cool as Bud Foster's lunch pail (below left).We here at the factor aren't sure why young adults who are competitive by nature need ridiculous gimmicks to succeed. Our guess? These gimmicks cover up the stunning lack of ability that coaches possess. Coaches like Buttgers' very own Greg Schiano. How else, other than lack of coaching acumen, do you explain running a 5'7" running back 95 times per game? Saturday's game should be a classic battle of who can run the ball more in the least acceptable situations. It may be the first time in recorded history that there are no punts, as Schiano and Wannstedt try to out ground game one another, calling delayed wrap-around draws on 4th downs rather than admitting their respective running games aren't getting the job done.

There really is very little to like about Buttgers. They're a classless fan base, berating the Midshipmen with language a sailor would be embarrassed to hear on the deck of the USS Lincoln. They have their B-list celebrity, the hideous, bear-like alternative to Kentucky and Ashley Judd in James Gandolfini. Fewer people in the greater New York City area care about Buttgers football than care about Columbia, Fordham, and St. John's football combined. Pitt fans complain about our attendance, but at least Pitt plays in a facility than seats more than 4,500 people.

So in conclusion, Buttgers, like the 98% of New Jersey not encompassed by the Princeton campus, sucks. No two ways about that. Keep it tuned to Panther Rants all week as we breakdown the titanic match-up sure to set football back 2 decades.

Walt Disney Comes to Oakland

These days you see Hollywood remaking movies such as 'The Longest Yard" and "Bad News Bears". Now there's another movie re-make coming to the big screen and this time the story changes with kind of the same meaning to the movie. Walt Disney has decided to remake the film "Cool Runnings". This time, it won't take place in Jamaica. It will take place in Oakland of all places.

The story is about a coach named Dave Wannstedt who is hired as Pitt's new head coach after Walt Harris leaves. The team is built around a West Coast offense, but Wannstedt wants to make them into a power running team. The team doesn't believe they can do it. It's up to the coach to make them believe they can. There are some bumps in the road in the beginning, but there is some excitement towards the end as it sets the tone for the program in the upcoming years.

The movie is set to come up around the next Blue-Gold game and Pitt fans who attend the game will be able to watch the movie as well as the game. Ticket prices may go up for the game just for the cost of the movie. If you bring your Giant Eagle Advantage card, you will be entitled to free popcorn with a purchase of an overpriced meal at Heinz Field.

Callahan Nominated for Slappy

Pantherrants would like to introduce our readers to the Slappy Awards. This is a new awards ceremony dedicated to greatness in being a slap. There will be many categories, which we will figure out later. Look for the awards ceremony in the future. In the spirit of the prestigious trophies, we will be nominating players, teams, individual performances, etc. until we have our official ceremony after the season.

Our first nominee is Nebraska Head Foosball Coach, Bill Callahan. Bill trotted out his Nebraska team this past weekend against the mighty Kansas Jayhawks. Yeah, Kansas; the team Nebraska had beaten 500 out of the last 501 games or something of that nature. Nebraska has countless All-Americans, championships, academic cheating, and leads the league in arrests, including roid rage assaults, rapes, and general slappery. Kansas never won a dam thing besides the occasional state championship after beating Kansas State, which hasn't happened a whole lot either.

Now, admittedly, KU is a good team this year. But they're still Kansas. And they still have a head coach that should be on Springer as the guy that's too fucking fat to get out of his house. So what happened? Callahan's black-shirt defense gave up the most points in school history (76).

And if you're wondering, this is the same Bill Callahan that coached the Raiders a few years ago. The guy that prompted Raiders players in mid-season to go to executive leadership and state that they were not showing up to work the rest of the season if the coach wasn't changed. The Raiders stink, etc. But when has that ever happened in sports to you, good reader's, memory. Brilliant hire, Pederson. The good news is that both will soon be in the unemployment line; and they won't be leaving that line any time soon.

So Bill Callahan you are officially nominated for the following awards: 1.) Slap Coach of the Year, 2.) Slap Game of the Year, 3.) Slap of the Year, 4.) Biggest Asshole Slap, 5.) Slapholic (Slap Lifetime Achievement Award).

And now a message about merchandising

Who the hell is buying this crap? And the Git-R-Done flames visor is still on sale?

Pitt-Syracuse Recap

Heinz Field - Pantherrants apologizes for the delay in getting yinz the recap of this game. The excitement was so high during this mega-event that it put us into a 3 day long coma. First off, the game started at noon. Despite years of garbage attendance for any game prior to 3:30, Pitt's AD continues to shove noon starts down our throats. But enough of that; we'll move on to the actual game.

Let's start with the offenses. Both teams attempted to do nothing, to be as boring as humanly possible, and to run nothing that would result in a gain of longer than 2.5 yards. The defenses performed equally admirably. Neither side had any use for attempting an interception or forcing a fumble. This was all in the first quarter.

Mid 2nd quarter, Pantherrants folk had in-depth discussion about this being the most brutal contest in history. This epic battle between perennial bottom-feeders couldn't even be compared to a WAC contest; hell, at least they fling the ball all over the field.

After the half, the 29 fans in attendance let out a raucus, "zzzzzzz....." All over the stadium, fans began ironing out their plans to venture to the Cricket Lounge. In an effort to boost fan interest, Pitt's fat-ass dance squad ventured on to the sideline to do a pointless gyration of cellulite and acne.

Finally, the fans came to life with less than 1 minute left in the game as Syracuse was driving to tie or win the game. The 25 fans in attendance actually got off their fat asses, clapped, and even shouted for a total of 10 seconds before SU quarterback, Dantley, bitched up their chance. Greg Robinson walked away a loser yet again. SU fans in attendance were heard saying, "He needs more time," in a classic display of cognitive dissonance. Kool-aid Pitt fans determined that this win was the sign that we've turned the corner and aren't as bad as we were 11 years ago.

And the Athletic Department wonders why they don't sell more tickets.

A Serious Question

The Slap 10 is taking the week off since we only got to see about three games all weekend. However, the state of this athletic department has forced me to do something that I never thought that I would have to do on this blog:

Be serious.

Sure, we’ve spoofed the bad football, the silliness of the coaches, and the outlandish goof-offery of the athletic department in the past seven months that we‘ve been in business. We’ve done almost everything and we have a helluva’ lot more coming. But there’s one issue that’s troubling me that‘s actually not fiction.

Jerry Cochran. Who the hell is this guy?

Every time a new committee is formed, Cochran finds his way onto it. Any time a decision needs to be made involving athletics, there he is. And yet no one seems to know who is he is. I’m solely convinced that Dick Cheney and he are the same person. Hell, I’ve never even seen Cochran at all. Nordenberg I’ve at least met in person. But this guy? I’m pretty sure this is him over on the right.

Actually, that’s not fair. This is actually his picture, listed on the Allegheny County Bar Association web site. So, apparently, he’s a lawyer. Ohh thank God. I was starting to worry that 117 lawyers at the school as administrators wasn’t enough. At least I know we have one more in the bullpen now. Maybe we can sue our way into the BCS Championship.

The problem is that I don’t know much else. I know that Chancellor Nordenberg was born in Duluth, Minnesota and arrived at the school of law in 1977. He was named interim Chancellor in 1995 and officially became Chancellor a year later.
But Cochran? For all we know this guy got the job because he won a coloring competition (and if that is the case, congrats to you. Staying inside the lines was always such a pain).

And we have no idea what this guy’s qualifications are for being involved with and indirectly running an athletic department. He’s now on the verge of being the chairman of a committee to hire an athletic director for the second time in five years. Yet I have no idea if he knows whether a football is stuffed or inflated. I have no idea if he knows whether or not collegiate athletics is a multi-million dollar business or still believes these are the good old days.

I’m not saying that he should resign, or step aside or go away. Well, not yet. I’m just curious about the man’s qualifications and his vision for the athletic department. Or whether he has a vision at all, because clearly what we’ve been doing the past four years or so, at least with our largest revenue sport, isn’t working.

All I want is a press release, a statement, a friggin’ sound byte. Anything. Cochran has spoken before about the school’s building plans, defense on positions that the University has taken and other matters. But when it comes to athletics he becomes more like Jerry Cockroach because he scatters the minute the light is shined in his direction. He allegedly just slips into a room for a few months and then we’re presented with something or someone that is supposed to make a difference.

So Jer, do us a favor

• 
  Show us that you’re a real, live human being. Don’t be a stranger, bro. We at Panther Rants love people. Hell, we even love ol’ (He Who Went To Bowls), and we’ve been pickin’ on him since Paleozoic Era.


• 
  Find some way to get out there your background and ideas for the athletic department. Even if they clash with what we want, so be it. At least we know what the hell they are. For all we know now you have a $20 bet with someone that you can kill the football program within eight years. (And if you do, you currently appear to be winning)

Being that the University accepts, spends and builds with taxpayer money I only believe it’s fair. Unless of course there’s something to hide. Like this guy got the position because he did the best job coloring the sun.

Concerns About DE Greg Romeus

Souf Side Complex - Pitt's Defensive Coordinator talked publicly for the first time about redshirt freshman, Greg Romeus. Coach Rhodes described problems with the young defensive end not fitting in and needing to change his ways.

"Greg came in here with little experience; but he wanted to learn. He said he was going to do whatever we told him to do. Sadly, that's not come to fruition." Rhodes stated that his defensive philosophy and Romeus' playing style are not a match. "We've been trying to get him on board all year. Everyone knows our scheme is to bend and usually break. Our defense is predicated on having non-aggressive guys who don't make plays and aren't aggressive. Greg is the exact opposite. He's out there flying all over. He's running guys down. Got a great motor and makes incredible plays. He's doing things on defense that no Pitt player has done since the late 80'. Frankly, there's no place on our team for a guy like that."

When asked about the consequences, Rhodes elaborated. "Greg hasn't started all year for a reason. We've been hoping he'd conform to the gameplan. Obviously he's struggling right now. You must remember, though, that this is only Greg's third year of football. We're confident that we can break his spirit...i mean...get him on board with our wishes."

Tailgating Recap- DISSED BY THE WLAT MAN

BLAWNOX -- We apologize for the lack of content over the weekend, as the majority of the Panther Rants crew made the trip to Pittsburgh to see what was a magnificent display of punting, more punting and, we almost forgot, punting in Pitt's 20-17 blowout victory against Syracuse Saturday. This blog has roughly eight contributing writers with the majority of them living about two hours from Pittsburgh. Approximately six of those made the trip in for what was a glorious tailgate and and a football game that could cure amnesia.

We'd also like to announce a formal eternal tailgating invitation to area Pittsburgh politician Mark Rauterkus who remained true to his word and came to the tailgate fully armed with some of his buttons and DVDs, not to mention doughnuts, bear claws and a bag of popcorn that could fill the trunk of a 1974 Cadillac. Mark was also as much fun to talk with and have around and his time and effort were rewarded with a Panther Rants limited edition collectors t-shirt. Unfortunately, none of Mark's new tailgating buddies actually live in his district, making his experience a complete waste of time, energy, and about $20 ($17 if he used his Giant Eagle Advantage card). We hope, however, that he doesn't view it as such and becomes a regular. The more the merrier.

We were disappointed to see that Walt Harris did not make it either before or after the game. Given that we announced his invitation for well over a month, we found this disappointing. Maybe he couldn't find us. Maybe he hates us. Maybe the deli was running late with that hoagie ring that we asked for. Who knows. All we know is that he was a no show despite us reserving a seat for him (shown above).

Well, Wlat, and it is again Wlat after you blew us off, we have bad news for you. We're not finished. We're re-making that logo and inviting you for the USF game. And if you don't show for that, we'll ask you to the season opener, and then the game after that, and then...we're not gonna' stop with this shit until you at least drop by to say hi.

You'll enjoy yourself. If you don't believe us, just ask Mark Rauterkus.

Wlatvitation Update - The bottom of the ninth

BLAWNOX -- Saturday is shaping up to be one of the biggest tailgators the Rants has had in recent memory. People are crawling out of the woodwork to attend. People are driving and flying in from far away places such as Chicago and Washington D.C. to partake in our stupidity. The most shocking announcment came Tuesday, when the Rants newest favorite political son, Mark Rauterkus, announced to us on his blog and through e-mail that he also would be attending. Saturday is expected to be a large day with a large crowd.

However, it is with extreme sadness that we report that ex-head coach Walt Harris has not only not agreed to attend, he has not contacted us at all. We find this sad, since Walt obviously has let some of the water flow under the bridge by moving back to Pittsburgh in the first place. We'd think that He Who Went To Bowls would welcome an opportunity to rubs elbows with some of his old admirers (and critics) as a way to say "no hard feelings."

We are taking one last chance to plead with Walt to drop by Saturday if he has time. Hell, print out the logo above and present it like it's a club level seat ticket; someone will surely point you in the right direction. "Oh, you want those guys? See the scrawny loud mouth with the tall loudmouth and the two fat-asses? Yup. Right there's your group."

And for God's sakes, Walt, we beg of you: at least bring a damn bag of chips or something, since we appear to have more mouths to feed than normal this weekend.

Costas' Bloodwork

Pittsburgh - Pitt medical researchers were asked to evaluate a special blood sample from NBC commentator and Syracuse alum, Bob Costas. Dr. Nelson discussed the problem. "Mr. Costas went in for normal bloodwork. The lab found some strange anomalies and asked us to investigate."

Nelson said that after detailed investigation, Costas' blood cells, both red and white, contain actual assholes. "We've found that Mr. Costas in fact can not help himself. He literraly has assholeness in his blood. To expect him not to act like an asshole is like asking Wlat not to hit on Denny's waitresses. It's in their blood; there's no fighting nature."

Dr. Nelson then speculated that the problem isn't isolated to Mr. Costas. "Frankly, we've suspected that Syracuse folks are inherently assholes for quite some time. We'll be drawing samples from other alumni for confirmation."

Coach Robinson Drops By

Syracuse - SU Head Foosball Coach, Greg Robinson, was kind enough to stop by for a visit. We asked the coach his thoughts on Saturday's game against Pitt. "Pitt is a solid team. I think they're trying real hard and will give us everything they have. They obviously have a lot of desire to lose; but ours is stronger."

When asked for clarification, Coach Robinson elaborated. "Have you been watching us the past 3 seasons? Does it look as if we're really trying to win? Hell to the no! I was brought in to demote this team to I-AA. Then, we're going to take our place with the other 8 non-BCS football schools in the Big East and split off. Let's face facts - central New York is no place for big-time football. You know it, I know it, Tranghese knows it. In fact, this was all Tranghese's idea. He got Syracuse and Pitt on board to lose as much as possible so the conference can officially crumble and become basketball only."

Pantherrants called the league office for comment. Big East Commissioner, Mike Tranghese was kind enough to give us some insight. He spoke the entire time but the following is all we really heard. "Blah, blah, blah, ESPN, snort, blah, blah, blah, basketball, blah blah, blah, ESPN, blah, blah, blah, basketball."