Nordenberg Confirms Pitt Football's Future

Pittsburgh - Speculation that Pitt is considering dropping football were denied today by Pitt's big shit High Chancellor/His Highness, Mark Nordenberg. "Let me dispel the rumors that we are eliminating Pitt football. Just because the team stinks doesn't mean we need to get rid of it."

Nordenberg said speculation stems from UPMC. "Let's face facts - this school is basically just the medical school and hospital. Everything else just bows down to them, including myself. I mean, come on, we don't even have an Athletic Director anymore. Those guys say the football team is the best source for their studies on head injuries and torn ACL's so they have no interest in discontinuing the team. But we have no need for the team to be successful, just to continue to get hurt."

PItt players have obliged the Chancellor's and his masters at UPMC's wishes for the past 2 seasons. "We've seen great injuries from Clermond, Jacobsen, Kinder, Stull, Dexter Davidson, and several others. This has been everything noted egomaniac, Dr. Freddie Fu, could have wished for."

Nordenberg continued by stating that they have no interest in spending the time and money to field a competitive football team. "We don't need all that mess. If they win, I guess that'll shut up a couple people for a few minutes but we could really give a crap. Losing really is fine, and in fact, opens up my calendar for a lot more important things, like kissing the ass of the UPMC executives and avoiding the fact that there is no reason for Bigelow Boulevard not to be closed."

Pitt fans can rest assured that this plan is not new. "Pitt came up with this plan back in 1982. We had enough of all that winning and excitement. Wlat Harris was a little bump in the road but we brought in Coach Wannstedt to fix all that up and he's done his job." Asked about his thoughts on Saturday's 100th installment of the Backyard Brawl, Nordenberg commented, "Yeah, that's great. Some slap rednecks care but I've got more important things to do. I've got a brand new 12 foot mirror coming to the house. I plan on staring into that thing all weekend so don't bother me with this football non-sense."