Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Interview With Momma Rice

Piscataway - Pantherrants was able to sit down with Rutgers' biggest fan, Momma Rice.

PR: "First off, Big Momma, thanks so much for sitting down with us. How many cheeseburgers can you eat at once?"

Rice: "15 at one sitting, including buns. You don't get this big without knowing how to pack away some meat; Gandolfini and I have a lot in common."

PR: "Big Momma, how is your boy enjoying himself at Rutgers?"

Rice: "Oh my yes. He loves the fact that there are 75 different campus locations covering approximately 800 square miles. I mean, who would want to have their university in one central location - what fun is that?"

PR: "Have you noticed a change in Rutgers fans since over the years?"

Rice: "Definitely. No one showed up for years. Fans didn't care. Then came last year where they went to their 3rd bowl ever; a crappy 3rd tier bowl game. They won - their first ever. Obviously, you can see how this puts them on par with the Notre Dames, Michigans, Alabama's and Pitts of the college football world."

PR: "That seems a bit odd. How does one crappy bowl win gain Rutgers entry into the college football elite?"

Rice: "Because Big Momma says so. Also, because New Jersey is full of pricks that think they're awesome."

PR: "Big Momma - I'd like to point out that no one in the country has favorable feelings of NJ. It's viewed as a hell hole on par with Alabama, Mississippi, and Wlatland. It's nothing more than the crappy suburbs of Philly and NYC."

Rice: "Shhh...don't say that so loud or I'll get mad. And when I get mad, I get hungry. And when I get hungry, I get nervous and start eating a bag of dicks."

PR: "Big Momma - why are you shown on tv, on average, 100 times per game?"

Rice: "Because the NYC media is a bunch of retarded pricks that think people care."

PR: "I appreciate the honesty. By the looks of it, it seems that you and Ray-Ray are pretty close."

Rice: "oh, we are. Ray still needs his Big Momma. I cook his food, iron his clothes, comb his hair, and suck his balls."

PR: "Wow, that's pretty out of control."

Rice: "Big Momma takes care of her kids. That's how we roll in NJ."

PR: "Big Momma, this article sucks. What can we do to make it funnier?"

Rice: "Throw in a jew joke."

PR: "Ok - how do you get 20 jews into a bus?"

Rice: "Throw a quarter into it."

PR: "You've heard that one before, I see. So tell me, Big Momma, what are your thoughts on the game this week against Pitt?"

Rice: "I have several. First, Ray-Ray is going to run wild on that dumbass, Paul Rhodes. The man is an idiot and anyone not named Dave Wannstedt can see that. Second, Rutgers will win - we won one crap bowl game ever. Therefore, we should never lose again. My third prediction is that I will gain more weight."

PR: "Not really bold, Big Momma. Any closing thoughts?"

Rice: "I'll leave you with a fun fact: Rutgers was founded in the 18th century as a haven for homosexual men. To this day, that ethos still reverberates throughout the school."

PR: "Never knew that. That's good to know it's an "open" school. And here we thought the only good thing Rutgers ever did was give us Asia Carrera."

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