Piscataway - Pantherrants was able to sit down with Rutgers' biggest fan, Momma Rice.
PR: "First off, Big Momma, thanks so much for sitting down with us. How many cheeseburgers can you eat at once?"
Rice: "15 at one sitting, including buns. You don't get this big without knowing how to pack away some meat; Gandolfini and I have a lot in common."
PR: "Big Momma, how is your boy enjoying himself at Rutgers?"
Rice: "Oh my yes. He loves the fact that there are 75 different campus locations covering approximately 800 square miles. I mean, who would want to have their university in one central location - what fun is that?"
PR: "Have you noticed a change in Rutgers fans since over the years?"
Rice: "Definitely. No one showed up for years. Fans didn't care. Then came last year where they went to their 3rd bowl ever; a crappy 3rd tier bowl game. They won - their first ever. Obviously, you can see how this puts them on par with the Notre Dames, Michigans, Alabama's and Pitts of the college football world."
PR: "That seems a bit odd. How does one crappy bowl win gain Rutgers entry into the college football elite?"
Rice: "Because Big Momma says so. Also, because New Jersey is full of pricks that think they're awesome."
PR: "Big Momma - I'd like to point out that no one in the country has favorable feelings of NJ. It's viewed as a hell hole on par with Alabama, Mississippi, and Wlatland. It's nothing more than the crappy suburbs of Philly and NYC."
Rice: "Shhh...don't say that so loud or I'll get mad. And when I get mad, I get hungry. And when I get hungry, I get nervous and start eating a bag of dicks."
PR: "Big Momma - why are you shown on tv, on average, 100 times per game?"
Rice: "Because the NYC media is a bunch of retarded pricks that think people care."
PR: "I appreciate the honesty. By the looks of it, it seems that you and Ray-Ray are pretty close."
Rice: "oh, we are. Ray still needs his Big Momma. I cook his food, iron his clothes, comb his hair, and suck his balls."
PR: "Wow, that's pretty out of control."
Rice: "Big Momma takes care of her kids. That's how we roll in NJ."
PR: "Big Momma, this article sucks. What can we do to make it funnier?"
Rice: "Throw in a jew joke."
PR: "Ok - how do you get 20 jews into a bus?"
Rice: "Throw a quarter into it."
PR: "You've heard that one before, I see. So tell me, Big Momma, what are your thoughts on the game this week against Pitt?"
Rice: "I have several. First, Ray-Ray is going to run wild on that dumbass, Paul Rhodes. The man is an idiot and anyone not named Dave Wannstedt can see that. Second, Rutgers will win - we won one crap bowl game ever. Therefore, we should never lose again. My third prediction is that I will gain more weight."
PR: "Not really bold, Big Momma. Any closing thoughts?"
Rice: "I'll leave you with a fun fact: Rutgers was founded in the 18th century as a haven for homosexual men. To this day, that ethos still reverberates throughout the school."
PR: "Never knew that. That's good to know it's an "open" school. And here we thought the only good thing Rutgers ever did was give us Asia Carrera."
Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.