Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Enter the Bad Geography Zone



Welcome Panther Fans to the Factor for this Tuesday November 20th, 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, especially to bid a fond farewell to our seniors. Well, last weekend needs little rehashing. The offense set organized football back 80 years, while the defense suddenly became the '85 Bears. We here at the Factor swear if the two sides of the ball could ever just put one complete game together, this team would be decent to mediocre. But as it is, the team is 4-6, and staring 5-7 in the face. Why 5-7 and not 4-8? Because the insufferably overrated South Florida Bulls come to town this week, and this matchup is the subject of today's He Who Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo.


South Florida. Those two words conjure up images of South Beach, lovely hispanic women, mountains of cocaine, and drive-by shootings. One thing that doesn't come to mind is Tampa Bay. Why? Because Tampa Bay is in CENTRAL FLORIDA. If there's one thing that pisses Gaming Points off, it is people who have no grasp on geography. And people from Boston. But mostly the geography thing. This is just one of a million reasons to dislike The University of Bad Geography. However, before we get to the other 999,999 reasons, let's focus on the one reason to watch UBG football (below right). This sumptuous specimen of the fairer sex has been a die-hard UBG fan for the last 6 weeks, making her the record-holder for longest fan tenure of this storied program. She has it all: looks, breasts, cowboy hat, tank-top, heaving chest, sculpted pecs, sub-90 IQ, saline implants, brown hair, attention-grabbing melons. Simply put, Jenn Sterger is the epitome of UBG football. When she ceases to be a fan (likely after UBG loses to Pitt this weekend) and switches allegiance to Florida Atlantic University, UBG will return to their rightful place in the pecking order. Namely, Somewhere on the care meter between wheat and rye.

But now, let's focus on the reasons we should dislike UBG. The #1 reason is obviously this clown here, QB Matt Grothe.


This wannabe QB demonstrates all that is bad about hype. First of all, the guy is less accurate than I am after 12 shots of Patron (The Factor is always looking for sponsors). Second, what the hell is going on on the top of that boy's head? Gaming points would say it is a mohawk, but it looks more like a mold has taken root and is spreading about. Lastly, through not fault of his own, though we will hold him accountable, USF fans (who will be dealt with soon) are so football stupid they wear shirts that say 'Grothe > Tebow'. Really? You're prepared to make that argument? I wonder how may of the USF fan-base were pissed off after they enrolled and realized they were going to school in the place grandparents go to die?

As Gaming Points is running short on time, we'll condense the last 999,998 reasons to hate UBG into two phrases. USF fans and Caveman Leavitt. Neither could be more lame if they tried, and that's saying a lot since they both try really hard to do so.

Before we go, the Factor would like to wish everyone a safe and happy Turkey day, and as you prepare to give thanks before gorging yourselves, remember smallpox and tuberculosis for all they have done to make this country ours. We're out, Go Pitt and Screw UBG!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey genius, Jenn Sterger is on the USF bandwagon because she actually attended USF for 2 years....

In My Seat 90 Minutes Before Kickoff said...

Wow, she made it through 2 years? That's about half as long as FSU, right? Three cheers for UBG academics!

dr jimmy said...

90 minutes, those DD's look like my handy-work!

She paid cash all the way!

Anonymous said...

By the way, if you did a little research you'd find out that the University of South Florida was named so because it was the southernmost state public university when it was founded.

vito said...

Wow, holy shit you learn something new every day!

Jax said...

well, outside of your desperate attempt to get hits by using Jenn's name, followed by the usual Jenn inaccuracies, like calling her dumb despite the fact that she graduated with a double major in psych and criminology and on the deans list...what can we be led to believe? only one thing...your blog sucks..but hey, at least your use of Jenn got you one hit more than you deserved..

Cowgirl said...

Like, I'm so mad that you guys are like, you know, picking on me because I root for USF and FSU. Like, basically I jump on whatever team is like relevant and stuff so that I too remain relevant. I mean, pretty soon this popularity train is going to come to a screeching halt since, like, I'm gonna have a sagging face and the skin of, like, a baseball glove.


I've read Jenn's "writing" in SI. The fact that she not only graduated but with a double major is not something I'd be screaming from the rooftops. She's as vacuous as the come, and the fact that people would pay good money for nude photos of a Jennifer Love Hewitt knockoff like her only proves that fame comes pretty damn cheap these days.

Besides, Cowgirl is sooooooo 2005.

Anonymous said...

Haha,

Panther Rants has been around looong before they decided to rip on the FSU (err... umm... USF... err umm... Miami... FAU.... oh who the fuck knows or cares as long as she gets some attention right?) chick.

Ripping on teams we're about to play is what this site does.

However, I live in outside of Hillsborough County, where USF is located. It's basically a redneck county with a Waffle House-laden, Miami wannabe city in the middle of it.

And the great "Diehard Bulls fan since October 2007"-types are the best. 6 months ago Gators shirts outnumbered Bulls shirts on their own fucking campus 3-to-1!

Now, all of the kids that never watched football before feel cool because they have a team root for. And to hide their lack of real football fandom, they paint themselves up like idiots every week and wear viking horns (viking horns....WTF!?) so they can look like "real football fans like all the cool kids"!

Plus you have the fact that as of September of this year, RayJay looked more desolate than Heinz Field on Pitt's worst day.

And now that he's finally getting some attention on TV, Leavitt apparently uses his newfound fame to do his best "wannabe-Bill Cowher-angry guy" impersonation for the ESPN cameras. Except Cowher was actually kind of bad-ass looking, while Leavitt's just a crusty looking old dude.

And now the "must-have" item for all the trendy boys and girls around here is a USF T-shirt. Thus proving what I've known all along: In this area their sports teams aren't a passion, they're a fucking TREND for teenage douchebags!

And kids already know that USF is located where old people go to die, because most of them are already from here. They're just Tampa kids who couldn't get into anywhere else OR did two years at junior college and transferred.

Therefore, the on campus atmosphere at this commuter school is much akin to a large, glorified community college.

And Saban was right. The only reason they have any success is because they take guys that couldn't qualify academically at FSU, UF.... and even fucking MIAMI where 90% of the team can't count past 7.

But hey, I guess in the hyper-competitive world of college football, programs have to cut corners to build themselves up. Miami did it by letting illiterate driveby shooters on the team, USF by letting complete morons on theirs (give them time, they'll let driveby shooters play in Tampa eventually too!)

Now there's some actual ripping on USF based on FACTS from a chick that lives right down the street my friends!


And if all of you love USF so much now, I dare you to show up at a basketball game! Namely January 9th.

vito said...

Jax, come on now, I love to read this site daily, your fucked up you fuck!

Also, are you sure it's not a major in double penetration?

Anonymous said...

You guys are missing the big picture here.... Boston absolutely does suck