Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Enter the Bad Geography Zone
Welcome Panther Fans to the Factor for this Tuesday November 20th, 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, especially to bid a fond farewell to our seniors. Well, last weekend needs little rehashing. The offense set organized football back 80 years, while the defense suddenly became the '85 Bears. We here at the Factor swear if the two sides of the ball could ever just put one complete game together, this team would be decent to mediocre. But as it is, the team is 4-6, and staring 5-7 in the face. Why 5-7 and not 4-8? Because the insufferably overrated South Florida Bulls come to town this week, and this matchup is the subject of today's He Who Went to Bowl Gaming Points Memo.
South Florida. Those two words conjure up images of South Beach, lovely hispanic women, mountains of cocaine, and drive-by shootings. One thing that doesn't come to mind is Tampa Bay. Why? Because Tampa Bay is in CENTRAL FLORIDA. If there's one thing that pisses Gaming Points off, it is people who have no grasp on geography. And people from Boston. But mostly the geography thing. This is just one of a million reasons to dislike The University of Bad Geography. However, before we get to the other 999,999 reasons, let's focus on the one reason to watch UBG football (below right). This sumptuous specimen of the fairer sex has been a die-hard UBG fan for the last 6 weeks, making her the record-holder for longest fan tenure of this storied program. She has it all: looks, breasts, cowboy hat, tank-top, heaving chest, sculpted pecs, sub-90 IQ, saline implants, brown hair, attention-grabbing melons. Simply put, Jenn Sterger is the epitome of UBG football. When she ceases to be a fan (likely after UBG loses to Pitt this weekend) and switches allegiance to Florida Atlantic University, UBG will return to their rightful place in the pecking order. Namely, Somewhere on the care meter between wheat and rye.
But now, let's focus on the reasons we should dislike UBG. The #1 reason is obviously this clown here, QB Matt Grothe.
This wannabe QB demonstrates all that is bad about hype. First of all, the guy is less accurate than I am after 12 shots of Patron (The Factor is always looking for sponsors). Second, what the hell is going on on the top of that boy's head? Gaming points would say it is a mohawk, but it looks more like a mold has taken root and is spreading about. Lastly, through not fault of his own, though we will hold him accountable, USF fans (who will be dealt with soon) are so football stupid they wear shirts that say 'Grothe > Tebow'. Really? You're prepared to make that argument? I wonder how may of the USF fan-base were pissed off after they enrolled and realized they were going to school in the place grandparents go to die?
As Gaming Points is running short on time, we'll condense the last 999,998 reasons to hate UBG into two phrases. USF fans and Caveman Leavitt. Neither could be more lame if they tried, and that's saying a lot since they both try really hard to do so.
Before we go, the Factor would like to wish everyone a safe and happy Turkey day, and as you prepare to give thanks before gorging yourselves, remember smallpox and tuberculosis for all they have done to make this country ours. We're out, Go Pitt and Screw UBG!