Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, November 29, 2007


Gremlins in Morgantown?

Morgantown is among the finalists for where Hollywood plans to shoot the next "Gremlins" movie. The directors took a liking to the Morgantown's method of celebrating a victory by burning couches and destroying everything they get their hands on. The students and fans also share the same traits as Gremlins: They're annoying, obnoxious, and they like to burn things. The only difference is Gremlins multiply with water and not their own relatives.

Hollywood is also talking to Noel Devine about putting on a Gremlins costume and playing the leader of the bad Gremlins. Rich Rodriguez is also being contacted about playing the white trash nutcase as well know by the name of "Murray". Rich or Noel were not available for comment, but we did get to talk to Owen Schmidt. Owen's take on the whole thing:

"I like Potatoes."

Pitt Football Plays with the WPIAL?

Pitt has been trying to find ways to solve attendance problems this year and they may have come up with a level-headed solution this time around. Instead of four games being played on the day of the WPIAL Championships, a fifth game will be added. It will most likely be when Pitt plays an opponent where they won't draw a whole lot. There's also talk of Pitt disguising itself as a high school team so no one knows the difference. Then again, seeing how they've played this year, it wouldn't be much of a disguise.

Syracuse gives Robinson Another Year

Syracuse decided to retain head coach Greg Robinson for another year citing "coaching stability". We talked to AD Daryl Gross in a telepathic interview and here's what he meant by that:

"What we mean by stability is you have to look at when Temple was in the Big East. They always finished very low in the Big East. Now that's stability right there. I mean we could look for another competent coach, but why disrupt the conference. Being at the bottom, it gives the good teams in the conference the likeness of a bye week and gives the lesser teams some false confidence after they beat us. Not to mention it helps their won-loss records. That's what we're trying to establish in this conference. The upper-tier, the middle, and the lower-tier. Keeping Greg, we're going to accomplish that."


Pitt Basketball goes NAIA?

Pitt's recruiting loss of Kevin Jones to WVU has draw a lot outrage of Pitt fans. So much, that the alumni and fans are pressing the administration to drop the program down to the NAIA. We asked one die-hard Pitt fan about his thoughts on this. Here's what he had to say:

"It's clear we can keep up in recruiting. Now I know what Pitt basketball has done in the past few years, but it just isn't good enough. If we drop to the NAIA, we can develop rivalries with local colleges like Point Park. That would be a great city game. I mean look what Dave Wannstedt has done for the football program. He's brought in top level recruits, 1976, tradition, nine time national champions, 12-0, Fitz Jerseys, Dan Marino.....'

After that, the fan just started rambling on and repeating himself.

Les Miles Sets New Record

LSU head coach Les Miles has entered himself in the Guiness Book of World Records. Last Friday, Mr. Miles took the biggest crap ever record in world history. It defeated the record set by U2's Bono back when he was born. Actually, it's Bono's dad that has the record. Bono was the crap. It took Les about five hours to shit it out and had to work overtime to do so.

The conference record for biggest crap record goes to the Big East in 2006. Rich Rodriguez, Bobby Petrino, and Greg Schiano all took large craps in consecutive weeks. We talked to Les Miles on the phone about his record and here's what he had to say:

"I'm not going to say much about it. If things don't work out in the SEC, at least we finished first in something. Well I gotta run, I have to catch the plane to Ann Arbor."

Les Miles talking to Michigan? If he goes there, it looks like we'll see some more shitting records.


Yeyi said...

Pederson is back. Wlat is next.

Ron Jeremy said...

WLAT will return as OC!