Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

You're Drinking LIVE!

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (PR) – Folks, last night's tO$U-U$C game came with the added hilarity of the Brent Musberger Drinking Game. For those who have never undertaken this drowning of emotions/intuitions/motor skills, it’s not just a game. It’s a quest.

The evening began with Pitt Outsider East reporting for Panther Rants from the press box at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. With the legendary announcer/alcoholic sitting to his left (making East the "Pardner"), East was inspired and grabbed some beverages. He and Pitt Outsider West, along with an unsuspecting Pitt accomplice, communicated via the fiduciary outlets of cell phones and the internet to uphold the sacred laws that govern the game that is Brent Musberger and alcohol.

One of the first things realized during the evening was the original list of Musberger drinking rules was not nearly as exhaustive as it could be. Being young and ambitious (or dumb and full of cum), we decided to add such Musberger classics as “a penalty flag” and any unnecessary exclamations (such as “WOW!”) to the rules. Keep in mind, playing the game as is wreaks havoc on one’s bladder well enough. Well, our health be damned.

Throughout the evening, we noticed the most-oft utilized Brentism’s were “folks,” “hold on,” and “a penalty flag” which resulted in countless chugs of beer and fierce belching from all parties involved. Our Pitt friend made great mention of the fact that Musberger alluded to Terrelle Pryor as the “Young Pryor,” thus falling under Rule 11 as a pet name. Speaking of “ism’s,” our Pitt friend alluded to USC’s conservative 2-minute drill towards the end of the 1st half as being a “Cavism” alluding to Pitt’s fearless Offensive Coordinator Matt Cavanaugh. We couldn’t agree more.

The 2nd half to tO$U-U$C and Musberger was delayed by the hilarious, ridiculous Auburn-Mississippi State game. Pitt Outsider East called Pitt Outsider West and both broke into uncontrollable, pants-pissing laughter upon switching to ESPN2. In a 9 inning pitcher’s duel, the Auburn Tigers pulled away with a 3-2 victory over the MSU Bulldogs in Starkville, MS. The best part was Auburn taking a knee three times to preserve the victory.

While the tO$U-U$C game on the field was pretty much over, the Brent game was far from it. In one stretch, 3 “folks” 2 “friends” and a “Number Two” Pryor pet name resulted in an all-out chug from all parties participating. Fortunately, the Brent onslaught subsided once USC pulled Mark Sanchez in the 4th.

With the final seconds ticking away on this 35-3 Trojan shellacking, and with a dwindling supply of beer and cerebral orientation, we were thought to be in the clear. Brent must've sensed our pain, prompting more Musberger euphemisms prior to sending it back to John Saunders in New York (roughly 4 “folks,” 2 “friends,” and one "pardner", plus the John Saunders).

At the end of the evening, drunk and disoriented, our love of the Brent couldn’t have been more fervent. The same, however, cannot be said for our livers. They were "not pleased."


he who took you to bowl games said...

How in the fuck do you come up with this shit?

As I have said before you should have your own sitcom!!!

Pitt Outsider East said...

We get it from reality. :-)

Pitt Outsider West said...

and beer, Pardner! (drink)