Announcer: Live from a hospital bed from a private location. He's the one who took you to bowl games. He's the one that kept your team competitive. He's also the reason Julius Jones is still running. Let's also not forget he needed overtime to beat Furman! Well hindsight is 50/50. It's your host, Walt Harris!!!!
( crowd applause )
Walt ( laying in a hospital bed ) : Thank you everyone! I appreciate the cards and letters I've received from all my fans. It's been a trying week for me. They say laughter is the best medicine around. Unfortunately for me, I had too much of it at Heinz Field on Saturday. It's been a shame. The doctors and nurses have forbid me from watching a tape of the Bowling Green-Pitt game or the Pitt-Ohio game. They say I may hurt myself more from the laughter.
Kevan Barlow: You're just on that bed because I put you there.
Walt: Everyone, welcome my new Ed McMahon of this show, your one and only...Kevan Barlow!
( crowd applause )
Walt: We got such good reception from last week's show so I decided to keep Kevan around.
Kevan: You just need me for ratings. Everyone is just waiting for me to pounce on you.
Walt: I only gave you this job because you needed one.
Kevan: F*** You.
Walt: Keep that up and I'll bench you for Tyler Palko when his practice squad days are over.
Walt: Well let's go to the fan mail. This one comes from Matt in the Southside. It reads:
I am a football coach for a certain football team. We have all this supposed talent on the roster and I don't know what to do with it. Our quarterback seems to lack arm strength and we've resorted to throwing five yard passes. The only problem is the other team stacks up on us when they play defense. What should we do?
Matt from Southside
Walt: Dear, Matt. You should......ha...hahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha. ( laughing uncontrollably ). Oh man, this is great. You want my advice? Really? Matt, I would answer this, but I think I'll be in intensive care by the time I finish answering it. Well Matt sometimes you call plays and they just don't work. So keep at what you're doing. It may work out in a few years or you can just wait till you get canned for someone else to figure it out. Punt on the 35? Well that's like not throwing to Larry Fitzgerald in a bowl game. Field goal with over 20 seconds left? Hell, have the QB do a slide. Do something meaningful for those 20 seconds.
Kevan: Yeah it's like benching your best tailback against Syracuse when they were good, or not running the ball against Iowa State ( laughing )
Walt: Oh yeah, it's like losing your roster spot to Carey Davis or Tyrone Carter.
( Kevan being held back by nurses )
Walt: Well that's it for today's show. Kevan is being put to sleep right now. Foge Fazio was to be our guest, but he's out getting tanked with Bill Hilgrove and Bill Fralic. I hear Fralic is more lively after a few beers. Enjoy the Buffalo game to the 35 students who plan to show up for it.
Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.