Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, September 12, 2008

The "Big Game" Week in Review

IOWA CITY, Iowa (PR) – Panther Rants was able to scrape some cash together from our t-shirt sales and send a reporter to Iowa City, Iowa to scout our next opponent.

Once we arrived, the smell of pig shit was in the air. I figured it would smell like a farm, but did not expect the aroma to be this overwhelming.

We checked into the Golden Haug Bed and Breakfast. The three hotels that are in the city and 4 motels were all booked. This place actually has a hog farm in the back yard. Breakfast was good which included ham, sausage and flapjacks. The house does not have central air and the toilet is an outhouse, but hey, this reporter has been to Morgantown on occasion and is accustomed to this type of accommodations.

After breakfast, I was able to stroll through the town of Iowa City and the University of Iowa campus.

There is no doubt about it: the IOWA acronym is true... Idiots Out Walking Around.

There really is not much to do. We ran into several pig farmers, several corn farmers and a student that came down from Ames (home of Iowa State). The cumulative IQ in the bunch could not have been higher than 150.

I asked several questions about the “BIG GAME”. The farmers could care less. All the wanted to talk about was Nematodes (basically bugs that can destroy corn crop) and the rising waters of the Mississippi River.

Out to the bars we went to gauge the interest from the Hawkeye student body. We did a little bar crawl. We went to Brothers Bar and Grill, George’s Buffet, the Field house and Charlies.

I will say this, these people here do not like African Americans or what one bouncer told me “thump-thump music lovers.”

With the exception of Charlie's, these bars were rundown dumps reeking of urine and Pig Shit. Most were allowed to spit their tobacco juice on the floor. They have no club scene and the college bars are pathetic. With the flannel, black and gold and body odor; I kind of felt like I was at a Steelers tailgate.

I did catch up with one student who had a 5 o’clock shadow and was spitting tobacco juice on the floor. Annie Brubaker is a third-year horticulture major at Iowa. She said “We’ve been slinging cow shit at them Cyclone fans all week. I can’t wait to pull out a big win over them.”

When asked about her thoughts about the Pitt Panthers she said, “We ain't too worried about them, those city kids have nuthin on our boys. We feed em beer, sausage and corn here in Iowa. A pure recipe for success.”

There are some other things that I find peculiar from Iowa. And because I can't even make this stuff up on I-35 yesterday the highway was shut down for 9 hours due to a hog truck turning over. The truck wasn't the only thing that tied up the road, however. It seems that some locals came out to try and loot the pigs. State Police had to restore order.

Headlines that dominated their papers this week included:
  • Postville plant officials face child labor accusations,
  • Web site posts Iowans private information, and
  • UI investigation report nearly done
That last one was about the cover up at UI when several football players were accused of rape.

I did speak with several towns-people regarding this. The overwhelming response was that “the girl knew what she was getting into. No doesn’t always mean no.” It must be a Big Ten thing, they sound a lot like Paterno.

We did not run into Tom Arnold or Hayden Fry, although we may see them tomorrow. I’ll have another report from Iowa City about the tailgate experience, the game and postgame.


Anonymous said...

Hey knob jobber,

The next time you write a retarded blog, please spell Hayden Fry's name correctly, fag. Eat a dick and here's to the Hawkeyes shoving a huge beak up your homosexual ass next weekend.

Anonymous said...

If only one could actually major in agriculture at the U of I. Nice work douche bag.

Anonymous said...

Pittsburgh...the epicenter of culture in the United States. BGSwho?

Anonymous said...

Nice attempt at "writing." It's time to move out of your parent's basement and get a real job.

Who is Hayden "Frye?"

Anonymous said...

Holy shit 3 comments, somebody actually reads this. Maybe Wanny can cut JoePa's grass next summer when he gets canned.

Anonymous said...

hahahaha hey faggot, if you want people to take your blog series, then actually purchase a site instead of using a freebie from

Anonymous said...

People still live in Iowa? Who knew?

Anonymous said...

Hey Loser- yeah, you really know a lot about college football and Iowa City. Mispelling Hayden FRY's name (because "Fry" is so very hard for you city boys to spell- you must be a product of that great Pittsburgh educational system we hear so much about) was a clue that you are a MORON- Boe Schembeckler and Woodie Haze must be turning over in their graves.

Nice attempt at writing. And since you seem to be a rap fan, allow me to quote Dr. Dre when I tell you to "put down the candy and let the little boy go", DIRT BAG.

Nathan said...

I think I saw you downtown Iowa City. Where you that fat guy, weighing nearly 450lbs who fell down in the ped mall? No wonder you had such a bad time, everybody was making fun of you.

By the way, what is Pitt rated for "best party" school? What is Iowa rated?

Guess the party is in Iowa City, you just were not invited.

Anonymous said...

The comments from these uneducated central US hicks have to be the most incorrectly worded pile of garbage I have read on the blog, ever.

Secondly, Iowa is a dirthole, hence why it is empty. If it was good then people would live there, if it is bad (which it is) then no one would live there (which occurs).

Anonymous said...

"Hence"? Good Lord, you're smug and stupid (an ugly combination).

Pennsylvania is just beautiful, by the way. Three Mile Island, Steelton, Mechanicsburg...picturesque. Why, Harrisburg has been awarded the "Nicest City this side of Newark" Award three years running! And when it comes to crime...well, you're still a distant third to Detroit and East St. Louis, so you can always take comfort in that.

How's that whole Rust Belt thing working out for you guys, anyway?

Pitt Outsider East said...

To "Anonymous" at 3:28pm:

How does one take a blog "series"? Glad to see that Fat Ten education at work!

Anonymous said...

Spot on report on Iowa Shitty. The town is a dump that reeks of shit and piss, which also happen to be the school colors.

You've all heard about the donkey shows in TJ, well in Iowa Shitty they do sheep shows with a guy and sheep.

As far as being a black person in Iowa Shitty, it's all good as long as you are an athlete. If you're a black athlete, they help cover up steroid use, will allow you to rape all the white girls you want, and will give you piles of cash while you live with the coach's son in low income housing that non-athlete blacks are on a waiting list for.

The nightlife would have been much more happening if you would have been on the prowl for 19 year old ho's from the suburbs of Chicago. They allow these barely-legal sluts into the bars, and can't imagine why they have an alcohol problem in Iowa Shitty, or why dozens of young women have been sexually assualted in the past year. But hey, Iowa Shitty is a party town man!

And don't let these morons trying to bring up the poor parts of Pennsylvania forget that nearly 1 in 5 people lives at or below the poverty level in Iowa Shitty, which is nearly twice as high as the poverty level for the state of Iowa and Pennsylvania.

Anonymous said...

LOL- I love how the writer of the blog has to respond anonymously on his own site to the attacks from Iowa fans. Beautiful!

Stay classy, Pittsburgh. Your university isn't known as "Arm Pitt" for nothing!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I've got one for you:

You play in the BigEast! LOL

Burghgay said...

Iowa is poor and dirty...basically the US version of Tijauna

Anonymous said...

Check out this article

Look at all the compliments your own newspaper gives you.

zerp said...

These dirt farmers take this shit seriously.

Anonymous said...

Zerp, it's mud farmers.

zerp said...

My Bad.

Fuck the Fat10

He who once took you to bowl games said...

Sounds like you pissed them off; good work!

Pitt Outsider West said...

To The Fat 10,

Fuck your mother. Gdo Bless.