Live from a hospital bed where we can't disclose our location.....it's the BEST......DAMN....WLAT SHOW.....PERIOD! Hosted by the one who took you to bowl games, Walt Harris! Co-starring with Walt is his partner in crime, the man who Walt loves to bench, the man who couldn't beat out Tyrone Carter...err ummm I'm getting the hell out of here because Kevan Barlow is about to kick my ass!
( announcer seen running into the crowd )
Kevan Barlow: The show is sponsored by:
Walt Harris: Thank You Everybody! We have one hell of show tonight. As always my partner in crime, Kevan Barlow, is here alongside with me as we do what we always do on this show
Kevan: What's that?
Walt: Answer fan mail, have guests on the show, and make fun of you.
Kevan: Speaking of that, you know I almost joined you in a hospital bed next to you.
Walt: Is it because Nick Goings made the Carolina roster again?
Kevan: Yeah whatever. Anyways, I couldn't help it that Shady McCoy can't break 100 yards against Bowling Green or Buffalo.
Walt: Well...you know...he had more rushing yards as freshman than you did.
Kevan: Yeah I know, but he also still can't hold the ball either.
Walt: Well neither could you. I mean Dustin Piccotti had a better handle than you.
Kevan: Dustin Piccotti would get woozy when the hot water would hit his head in the shower...Puuhlease! ( crowd boos )
Walt: That was low, Kevan. Almost as low as your tenure in New York.
Kevan: You know, I'm going to just drop it because I was told to wait until you get out of that bed to do anything.
Walt: "Drop it" is what you did a good bit playing for me. Booyah!!!
Kevan: Anyways, we have a letter to address on this show. This comes from Greg in Piscataway. He writes:
I'm coaching at a program where we may have peaked about two years ago. Our quarterback has regressed and we're 0-2 after tonight's loss. My name keeps being mentioned for other jobs and I'm thinking of bolting. The good part is this program will give me whatever I want and they're even expanding our stadium. What should I do? Should I leave after this year or keep ass clowning where I'm at where I'll receive a steady paycheck?
Walt: First off, why in the hell is Rutgers expanding their stadium? That stadium will look twice as empty once the program goes back to where it was in 2001. Greg, my advice is simple. Keep ass clowning where you're at. Make a few International Bowls and stack up the job offers. Mention where the program was before you came here. They'll feel guilty for trying to replace you. You may hit a point of no return. To get out, just have your agent trash the program and recruit suspect players at the point where your cupboard is bare by the time you leave. This will make yourself look good and then you can land a job where you can clown to a point where they'll buy you out. Then you can have your own show like I do.
Kevan: Great Job, Mr. Coaching Genius! Today we have a special guest on the show. He led you to the Fiesta Bowl, threw five touchdown passes at Notre Dame, and kept Frank Solich's job secure in Ohio. Fresh from his NFL stint, it's your golden boy....Tyler Palko
( Thunderous Applause )
Walt: Welcome to the show, Tyler!
Tyler: It's great being here.
Kevan: Well...where else would you be?
Tyler: On the sidelines warming up maybe.
Kevan: Well they could probably use you in Oakland. Do you have any eligibility left?
Walt: Enough, Kevan. Tyler, you can sit in Kevan's chair. Kevan, go sit on the bench.
Kevan: I'm warning you. Knock it off.
Walt: Well Tyler, I remember you had a nice sophomore season at Pitt. I remember because I coached you. So tell me, what happened since?
Tyler: Well we won a share of the Big East title. I had a great season passing with Greg Lee and Joe Delsardo as my receivers.
Walt: Ok....what else?
Tyler: I threw five touchdowns at Notre Dame:
Walt: I remember that! What else?
Tyler: I cursed on national television.
Walt: Anything else?
Tyler: We hired...Dave Wannstedt...and we hired Matt Cavanaugh. He had no knowledge of the hashmarks! Then the offensive line was depleted. Greg Lee started dropping passes. We lost to Ohio in overtime! I was running for my life every play. Oh God! I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!
Walt: ( gets up and shakes Palko ) Tyler, get a hold of yourself ( slaps Tyler )
Kevan: ( starts beating on Palko ) You're not playing anymore! ( shakes Tyler some more )
Tyler: ( calms down ) Okay, I feel better now. Thanks Kevan for reminding me that I'm not a Pitt anymore.
Kevan: No problem, buddy! ( pauses then screams out ) ELVIS DUMERVILLE!
Palko: ( rolls into a ball ) No! Please! Make it stop! ( Runs off stage )
Kevan: Can we add him on the show? I could have so much fun with this!
Walt: Knock it off, Kevan. The man faced some serious flashbacks in his final years at Pitt. You know what? Let's hire him on. We almost have a full staff. We just need a Ryan Seacrest lookalike and a Tom Arnold type.
Kevan: Call up Yogi Roth, he could fit the mold.
Walt: Which one? Ok, we're out of time. We'll save it for next show. Good night everyone. Remember, if you're stuck at some job in Jersey. Things could we worse. You could be in Syracuse right now. Hindsight is 50/50!
Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.