AKRON 42, SYRACUSE 28: What else can be said about Greg Robinson? He should be washing cars for a living…Although, we digress. He would absolutely ruin that wax job you got last week. Despite rampant rumors, the Akron Athletic Department has vehemently denied that Paul Rhoads is the Zips’ hopping Kangaroo mascot "Zippy."
OKLAHOMA 52, CINCINNATI 26: Dustin Grutza’s leg is broken. Somewhere, Joe Theismann is smiling. Rather than send in a 3rd string quarterback, Cincy chose to wait for the ruling on Ben Mauk’s 912th appeal to the NCAA for another year of eligibility. In order to expedite the process, Coach Brian Kelly has taken Miles Brand for ransom. Sources indicate his only demands thus far are for more Funyuns and Mountain Dew.
EAST CAROLINA 24, WEST VIRGINIA 3: Bill Stewart’s riveting halftime speech about shooting squirrels, falling down a well, getting kicked in the head by a mule, and finding Jesus was too little too late. No word yet on if the WVU secondary simply wanted to caress the satin-like appearance of the purple ECU Pirate offense rather than tackle them…
PITT 27, BUFFALO 16: The Pitt coaching staff was dumbfounded when the likes of Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, and Bruce Smith didn’t play a single down for Buffalo. Word has it that when Dave Wannstedt went to meet Buffalo’s head coach at the end of the game, he incredulously exclaimed "Marv Levy’s black?!"
USF 31, UCF 24 (OT): Matt Grothe made out with a hot cheerleader on national TV at game’s end. Reportedly, he sprung a Grothe soon afterward. No word on if he pulled out...
LOUISVILLE 51, TENNESSEE TECH 10: As we speak, Hunter Cantwell is still holding on to the ball in his throwing motion. Estimated time of release: Week 6. To help pass the time until then, we invite you to count how many times Steve Kragthorpe says "Fuck" while on the Cardinal sidelines.
UCONN 12, TEMPLE 9 (OT): LOL.
Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.