Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Weekly update with Foge!

Pittsburgh, PA (PR) After a dismal performance against the MAC powerhouse Bowling Green Falcons, we caught up with our old friend, Foge.
PR: How do you feel your performance was in the booth for the first time?

FF: Much better than the coaching staff’s (performance) was on the sideline. In the booth, everything went pretty smooth. The drinks never stopped being served and thank goodness, because I needed it to watch that nonsense! Bill and Bill were very cordial. I just had to keep nudging Fralic to keep him awake. Why are there so many Mckillop’s and Nix’s? It so hard to keep up with Chris and Scott and Nate and Lucas, who coincidentally, didn’t get into the game but I’ll get to that later.

PR: What were your overall thoughts about the game?

FF: Well, quite honestly it sucked. How do you want me to break it down?

PR: OK, lets break down certain aspects of the team and grade them.

PR: Coaching?

FF: F; and that’s being generous. No substitutions for Decicco, Joe Thomas, O. Turner or McCoy.

Offensive play calling was brutal. The game plan, if you can call it that, was ultra conservative. No play-action passes, No Greg Cross, No imagination, NO STUGOTS!

Defensive play calling; almost as bad. Not enough blitzing until very late. Conversely, BG coaches adjusted and blitzed almost every play.

PR: Special Teams?

FF: D; It could’ve been worse but the kickoff coverage team did well. That Dave Brutus kid (Brytus) must have received an injury from a submission hold in mixed martial arts matches or taken too many shots to the head. Any he’s terrible.

Connor Lee was not much better.

PR: Offensive line?

FF: D -; Joe Thomas wouldn’t even make the two deep for BG. Nuff said he stinks. The others were not much better. No fumbled snaps though so that was nice.

PR: Receivers?

FF: D; O Turner must have the same pictures of Wanny in an awkward situation that Cavanaugh has of him. How many more big drops can this practice hero have?

PR: Running backs?

FF: C+ Stephens-Howling look good. The Heisman candidate was auditioning for Dancing with the Stars. First, you have good college career, then an NFL hall of fame career, then you do Dancing With the Stars. Collins, nice blocking especially the time where he let Stull get killed.

PR: Quarterback?

FF: D+ Not bad, but with Cavy as your OC, you could be Dan Marino and in this offense appear to be coked up, ahh never mind. With that being said I know Dan Marino and Bill Stull, you are no Dan Marino.

PR: Overall Defense?

FF: C+; but I was calling plays in the booth but nobody would listen. My system would have shut them out.

DL; B+ actually did a decent job going against a plethora of passes.

Linebackers: C+ But Bennett took an All-American linebacker and made him play CB. Should have only had Chris, er Bill or Whatever the hell Mckillop’s first name is in there. Fields and Buddy Jackson should have been playing slot receivers. Force them to run.

Secondary: F Deccico, a fellow paison must have had too much vino the night before. That always hurt my teams in the 80’s. Wide-eyed Thatcher, closed his eyes and dropped a sure int. Bennett should have had is DBs playing tight coverage.

PR: How does Pitt fix the problem?

FF: Wow! I am not really sure. I do know that Wanny has to have more testicular fortitude and let his kids play to win. You know my old buddy Herm said “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAMES” Cavy should be sent south to work at a roadside stand in South Carolina selling boiled peanuts. Terrible, just terrible.

If not, blow it all up. An uh ummm, I’m available.

PR: Is there anything else that maybe making this team tired and uninterested?

FF: Again, have you seen the game planning? C’mon, that speaks for itself. Hold on I’ve got it! It’s the pre-game meal. Every time that they have the Fish sandwiches from the Castle Shannon Fire Department they get shigellosis. That, along with the Iron City, creates a volatile situation. I’ve got to go save Pitt football and tell them to stop serving this. That’s it! That should work. SeeYa!

PR: Bye Foge, we’ll see you next week.

No comments: