Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Truth discovered!


BLAWNOX (PR) – Thanks to our undercover reporting team at Panther Rants, we have come up with two connected theories as to why the middle of the field has not been utilized in Matt Cavanaugh's offense. But before we get to that discovery, let's review some predictions that this columnist made last week.



  1. 1. Chase Clowser was in line for his first start. He truly was, however, after consuming no less than 68 Buffalo wings, poor Chase was forced to vomit. Rumor has it, someone(Joe Thomas) challenged him to eat the amount of wings that was on his jersey. He stopped 4 short of the 72 mark before he vomited onto Dom Deccico's hands. Which solves another mystery as to why "Dego Dom" has been missing tackle left and right. Greasy hands. This week its thanks to Clowser.



  2. Lucas Nix's time did increase. He saw action on 2 plays, both of which he dominated his defender. After that, it was the Joe "ole" Thomas show. Elijah Fields' time increased remarkably, only after a degreasing solution would not work on Deccico's hands. Maybe that's why he tried so many block tackles. Chiminie Ching Hee-Haw, this aint the WPIAL anymore my friend. Also, Jonathan Baldwin saw a total of 3 plays. Thanks again, to the predictability of the coaching staff and our undercover reporter, we were right again.



  3. And we did in fact hear Tom Petty's "Last Dance with Mary Jane" a song Paterno finally banned at PSU, Bryan Adams "Run to You", and Stevie Nix with Fleetwood Mac "Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow" all blaring from Wanny cassette player.



  4. Finally, everyone enjoyed their pregame meal of Buffalo wings. Sorry Chase?!?!




Now, to our investigative piece of the story. Our sources and undercover team have uncovered several explanations as to why Pitt's Offensive Un-coordinator will not allow QB Bill Stull to throw over the middle.



  1. Matt has received compensation from Dan Rooney for keeping his plays to the sideline. We all know that the idiot Rooney, who should go to a field turf, wants to keep the natural grass surface because it reminds him of the green, green fields of Ireland. I like potatoes too Dan, but I am not growing acres of them in my back yard. But with the 78 games played a year at Heinz, along with the 42 concerts a year in a variable climate, the grass just cannot sustain any thickness and gets torn up in chunks. That fact, coupled with a few landscape design graduates from Penn State and we have the crap field that makes up the playing surface at Heinz. So Rooney went above and beyond to try and keep the middle of the field clear. Offering a rather nice sum cash and a few cases of Irish Whiskey was enough to lure old Cavvy.

  2. Another explanation also exists. Matt Cavanaugh suffers from a series of phobias, that together, spells doom for the future success of the Pitt offense and overall team. They include: Agoraphobia - the fear of open spaces (and as you can see from our special effect, Matt the middle is open!) Cainophobia - the fear of newness (this is also evident, Matt hasn't tried anything new since his Raven days) Phronemophobia - the fear of thinking (really Matt, designing plays for 5 yards when its 4th and 10?) Ergasiophobia - the fear of functioning (Matt does function well at Mario's) This PantherRant writer wishes that Cavanaugh suffered from Mastigophobia - a fear of public flogging. Or Enissophobia - the fear of criticism ( we may see an innovative mind at work) And one that we know Matt does not suffer from is Methyphobia - the fear of alcohol. Although I do believe that Pitt Football is suffering from Matcavnotophobia - the fear of advancing college offenses.

With these new developments in the spotlight, maybe we can finally get some changes put forth to the type of offense that Pitt will put on display for the rest of the season. And finally, maybe, Rooney will go with the smart decision, Field Turf.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cav tanking for a couple of cases of booze, ya don't say.

Tony Soprano said...

I think it is DAGO!!