Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, August 20, 2007

More Injuries at Pitt Camp


South Side - Pitt football has been batttling the injury bug for the last calendar year. More accurately, been under attack. Word from camp is that freshman sensation, Chris Jacobson, is the latest player to be attacked by the Decepticons. Panther Head Coach, Dave Wannstedt, elaborated. "For the past year, Megatron has been convinced that we are hiding the Allspark inside the bowels of Thaw Hall. He has vowed to continue picking off our players until we give it up."

Megatron's main rival, Optimus Prime, discussed the situation. "We have Bumblebee, myself, and a few of the Contructicons at every practice. But when Starscream has his mind set, it's hard to guard 80+ players and coaches. Today, Bonecrusher sent a rocket into the ground. Unfortunately, a piece of shrapnel hit Chris and he will require surgery."

This latest development comes just 9 days from a similar incident that took down starting wide receiver, Derek Kinder. Wannstedt continued. "There was an epic battle last week. Derek was riding in Bumblebee, showing off and doing donuts. All of sudden in comes Starscream, pelting him with heavy rounds. Derek was almost able to find safety in Chase "Chicken Wing" Clowser's gunt but he didn't quite make it. Fortunately, the bullet only grazed his knee."

Standing together, Prime and Wannstedt discussed the strategy. "We will do everything in our power to keep the team safe along with keeping the Allspark in safe hands. If that means the Pitt Panthers have to stay extra-vigilant, then it will be so."

Local whacko, Mark Rauterkus, further commented. "This sort of threat needs to be evaluated from the larger level. I encourage voters to cast their ballots for me in any one of the 673 positions I'm running. When I am voted in, I promise to make progress on this whole Decepticon thing. And I defintely promise even higher levels of whackiness."

3 comments:

Mark Rauterkus said...
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Detective John Kimble said...
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Mark Rauterkus said...

If you are going to use my name in a joke, make the joke funny. That's not even funny. There isn't any humor there. Bring your 'a game.'

Sounds like your story and blog post was less productive than the recent kayak trip by the freshmen at Seton Hill who had a tummy ache and got lost in the woods. At least there is some drama with them.

I'm running for two races, by the way. In football, the rules provide the squad with four downs. Well, running for multiple offices is much like that. Or, in baseball, batters are given three strikes. Or, in swimming, Mark Spitz got seven gold medals in one Olympics.

Two races for candidates happens all the time. John Kerry did it. Bill Peduto did it too.

What was special in my effort with multiple races was that I was a placeholder. That worked. Tony Oliva, an ex-Pitt football player, who got hurt and could NOT finish his playing years at Pitt, fellow Libertarian, got onto the ballot and will battle his peer, Luke Ravenstahl.

So, I'm in two races on the ballot in November -- city council, district 3. That includes the South Side Works -- where Pitt and Steelers practice football. And, I'm in a city-wide race for controller. I'll be able to audit the authorities and make sure that the money due to the taxpayers says with the taxpayers.

Thanks for the mentions. Hope to get your vote(s).

Next, you might want to talk with Tony Oliva -- Pitt grad -- candidate for mayor. That might make for an interesting read for the blogs and your circle of fans.

Tony's web site and blog is open:

Tony for Mayor The Time is Now

http://tonyforpittsburgh.com/