Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Monday, August 20, 2007
More Injuries at Pitt Camp
South Side - Pitt football has been batttling the injury bug for the last calendar year. More accurately, been under attack. Word from camp is that freshman sensation, Chris Jacobson, is the latest player to be attacked by the Decepticons. Panther Head Coach, Dave Wannstedt, elaborated. "For the past year, Megatron has been convinced that we are hiding the Allspark inside the bowels of Thaw Hall. He has vowed to continue picking off our players until we give it up."
Megatron's main rival, Optimus Prime, discussed the situation. "We have Bumblebee, myself, and a few of the Contructicons at every practice. But when Starscream has his mind set, it's hard to guard 80+ players and coaches. Today, Bonecrusher sent a rocket into the ground. Unfortunately, a piece of shrapnel hit Chris and he will require surgery."
This latest development comes just 9 days from a similar incident that took down starting wide receiver, Derek Kinder. Wannstedt continued. "There was an epic battle last week. Derek was riding in Bumblebee, showing off and doing donuts. All of sudden in comes Starscream, pelting him with heavy rounds. Derek was almost able to find safety in Chase "Chicken Wing" Clowser's gunt but he didn't quite make it. Fortunately, the bullet only grazed his knee."
Standing together, Prime and Wannstedt discussed the strategy. "We will do everything in our power to keep the team safe along with keeping the Allspark in safe hands. If that means the Pitt Panthers have to stay extra-vigilant, then it will be so."
Local whacko, Mark Rauterkus, further commented. "This sort of threat needs to be evaluated from the larger level. I encourage voters to cast their ballots for me in any one of the 673 positions I'm running. When I am voted in, I promise to make progress on this whole Decepticon thing. And I defintely promise even higher levels of whackiness."