Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Freshman QB Bostick Leaves Pitt Camp

SOUTHSIDE (PR) – In an unexpected turn of events, highly-touted Pitt quarterback recruit Pat Bostick has left the Panther Fall Camp and has returned home to Lancaster, PA. While many are shocked and surprised by Bostick's ubrupt action, Pat himself was quite clear in regards to the reasonings surrounding his decision.

"I don't know, I just didn't feel comfortable at Pitt Camp, ya know?" Bostick stated from his home. "I came to Pitt Camp thinking that this would be such a great time, a chance to make some new friends and learn new things...boy, was I ever wrong!" Pat's apparent troubles started with Dave Wannstedt, the senior Pitt Camp counsellor. "Dave was a little weird. He would keep us up until 3 in the morning with his trippy ghost stories about Ricky Williams and Bill Fralic, and something about Jimmy Johnson sorting crack off of Johnny Majors' butt cheeks. Then he woke us up at 5 and made us run 57 miles down the Mon river...he was nuts." Bostick also had issues with another counsellor, Buddy Morris. "I thought Buddy was cool until he forced me to run into the defensive lineman's end of camp on a jock-strap raid...I got caught and the linemen gave me Indian Sunburns until I cried 'uncle,' and then Buddy put his balls in my mouth and took a picture. I was humiliated."

Many of Pat's fellow campers claimed that he had anxiety attacks and was always worried about something, and believed that was the primary reason he left camp. "No shit that was a big reason for me leaving," Bostick added. "Wouldn't you be pretty damned wound-up if counsellor Paul Rhoads would sneak up on you and jump on your bed in the middle of the night, then proceed to fart on your head and scream 'who wants beef stew?!'...Good God." Former campers Mckenzie Mathews and T.J. Porter felt sympathetic to Bostick's problems with the counsellors. "Man, Rhoads used to crap in my applesauce at chow time," said Mathews. "It was disgusting." T.J. Porter's problems resided mainly with counsellor Aubrey Hill. "Aubie used to sneak up on me and pull my pants down, and then point and laugh at my privates."

Camp Director Jeff Long maintains that the camp serves as a great environment for most who attend it, but it isn't for everyone. "We've made great strides with this camp...we even got new Pitt shirts and pants this year for the kids," Long said. "But unfortunately, some campers don't respond to our counsellors and they end up needing to go home. I used to wet the bed at camp myself...ah hell I still do it now, I have to wear swim trunks to bed, but that never stopped me. Some of these kids just gotta buck up!"

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

you guys need to get a fucking life

Double-wide Headband said...

.....says the person that took the time to both come to this site, read a story AND comment on it. Great job!

Pitt Outsider said...

Below me, anonymous.

What Time Do The Lots Open? said...

Anonymous,

Wake me up before you go-go,
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo!

Future Panther said...

That's some funny stuff.

Nice.

Why is the student section
'code blue'?

Make it the panther pit.