Here's to you geno2u

Panther Rants has recently learned from one of the "other boards'" regular posters that our supposed humor belongs in a place where crap is usually found (no, we're not talking about JoePa's pants). Well, we salute you on your wittiness, geno2u. But, like new contributor Foge, we thought you were already sharing time with Marshal Goldberg and the Spirit of Pitt Stadium. Congratulations on waking up today!

The Sledge-o-matic claims another

We here at Panther Rants are big fans of the washed up, has been comedian Gallagher. And really, if you're a Pitt fan, you should be as well. They have a lot in common. Much like Pitt football, Gallagher and his watermelon smashing really haven't been relevant since the first Reagan administration. Also, both Gallagher and Wannstedt are sporting the prominent and ubiquitous porn stache. Lastly, Panther Rants has learned that Gallagher's summer tour is hitting hot spots like Hanover, Pennsylvania and Lima, Ohio. Pretty pathetic, huh? Yup, almost as pathetic as playing Navy in primetime on a Wednesday night in front of 24,000 slaps.

So, bravo Gallagher, you're the Pitt football of comedy. And kudos, Pitt, you're the Gallagher of college football.

Important announcement from Panther Rants

While still in utter shock that Serafino "Foge" Fazio is still alive, Panther Rants is pleased to announce that upon learning Foge was still breathing the site decided to move quickly to bring the former Pitt head coach on board as the blog's college football analyst.

Panther Rants introduced Fazio to the media during an early morning press conference on Wednesday at the Sheetz in Breezewood. Between shmuffin bites, Fazio said he was overwhelmed by the opportunity to again be involved with Pitt football.

"First of all, it's good that everyone knows I'm alive," Fazio said. "Secondly, being a part of Pitt football again is a dream come true. It's my own 'Major II' moment. Let's just hope there are more bowl games involved.
"I can't wait to get out to Johnstown for camp this summer and show you all on the field at Pitt Stadium what kind of quality product we have in store."

Fazio became despondent after learning he wasn't being hired as coach and that Pitt Stadium was only a memory. After finally gripping reality, Fazio sunk his teeth into another shmuffin and sat quietly until the end of the press event.

Panther Rants issued the following statement on the hiring of Fazio:

"We at Panther Rants are pleased to bring aboard Coach Fazio as our college football analyst. We expect he will be a valuable member of the staff during the fall and will be able to offer insights in to the recruitment of beefy manstuds. The man not only knows football, but no one better represents the tradition of Pitt football during the past 25 years - mediocrity. We are a half-assed blog with half-assed opinions on a half-assed athletic department. It only makes sense that we hire the most half-assed analyst in the business. Plus, he works for shmuffins which is about all we can afford."

Keep checking Panther Rants for Foge's insights and analysis.

Farina Fed Up with Wannstedt Confusion

At first, actor Dennis Farina thought that it was neat that so many people mistook him for Pitt head coach Dave Wannstedt.

Now? Not so much.




"Christ, what a pain in the ass. At least once a week I hear, 'Yo Dave, we ever gonna' stop a running back again?'' Farina said in an exclusive telepathic interview with Panther Rants Tuesday. "I mean, for God's sake, he BETTER be hearing, 'Loved you in Midnight Run, man.'"

The porn stached and pompadoured Farina, a native of Chicago, first began hearing the comparisons when Wannstedt was hired as head coach of the Chicago Bears. Farina initially found them amusing until the Bears fell to the bottom of the National Football League under Wannstedt.

"I was in Mike Ditka's Restaurant once and some guy, who was drunk off of his ass, was convinced that I was Wanny and wanted a piece of me. I showed him my driver's license and everything and he still was reaching for a beer bottle to crack me with. Thankfully, Ditka was there and had the guy thrown out," Farina said.

The 63-year-old actor said that the cat calls died off a bit when Wannstedt went to the Miami Dolphins, a team with no true fans unless they're winning. But with Wannstedt being hired by Pitt in 2004, the complaining to him has grown exponentially. So much so that Farina has become a fan of the team in the hopes that the bitching and complaining will cease.

"Anything to shut these people the hell up. I know as much about this team now as the beat guys and I didn't even go to Pitt. Paul Rhodes, Ray Rice still running, Cavanaugh's vanilla offense, Buddy Morris making guys push cars. All of it," Farina said. "God, I hope that they make a bowl this year, or else it'll be more insufferable than working with Bruce Willis."

Guru, Jail or Both?

The editorial and undercover staff here at Panther Rants have had numerous heated discussions the past few days. One is whether a "journalist" would rather go to jail or become a revered "Internet college man-stud guru?" The editor's seem to think "journalists" must choose a path, stick to it or face many years in jail for crimes against children, life.

But the covert guys adhere to the belief that a "journalist" on can do both. These folks point out "journalists" who have even worked in prisons!

Us at Panther Rants would like to hear from all the non-premium subscribers of the "other" boards (the paying member's IQ's are obviously too low to understand this question) with your comments.

Hail to Pitt, no?

We here at Panther Rants would like to take a moment to honor the memory of one of our biggest supporters, Mr. Charles Nelson Reilly. This visionary talent has always been a huge supporter of the man we hold most dear, Mr. Wlat Harris, and we would like to post-humously thank him for his efforts. He will be inducted to the Ring of Dennys in the near future, check back often for details on this gala.



"Teh thing that's funny is that everyone thinks I'm dead."

-Charles Nelson Reilly

Happy Holidays

We here at PantherRants want to wish everyone a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend, Wlat also joins in the greeting.

The land of the free, the home of the Wlat

Ask Wlat - May 25

Panthers Rants proudly presents "Ask Wlat," a weekly feature where the former Pitt coach answers fan mail from his throngs of many admirers. Wlat is writing to us from his 65-foot, "The Wlatanic" as he takes it throughthe Panama Canal so that he can dock it for the summer near Mons Venus.

Mr. Harris,

If you had to chose one song that told the epic story of your life what would it be?

Thanks,

Ace of Base

ps. "All That She Wants" is a great ballad

Dear Ace,

Thanks for the mail. I think the song that I've linked below says it all. It really tells the story of me and Steve Peterson quite well, you know. You can feel my pain in the way that guy who looks like a Chauncey's bartender sings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UPF6rOXwt4

Dear Wlat,

Lair or Scout?

Regards,

One Deathly Sick Guru

Dear Guru,

Thanks for the message. I used to love the old Locker Room crew back in the day on the lair. You know, those guys (and gals) were really a trip, and nothing was off limits, you know, to those guys. Here's something interesting that I'll bet you didn't know: the coaches used to log on and, you know, read that board after practice. There wasn't a "Who Would You Hit First" poll that I didn't vote on.

Then, you know, the folks who run the site got tired of having an audience and a hit count and shut the place down. They banned a lot of the members too. Since then, you know, it hasn't been the same, and its the same sniping and bellyaching about Penn State this, script that, stadium this...I'm not partial to either of them now.

dear wlat,

what is the quintessential buttrock band in your opinion?

thanks,

donkey

Hey jackass,

Depends. Are talking Hair Butt Rock or Classic Butt Rock? If we're talking classic butt rock I don't know how you can't for, you know, for the Steve Miller Band. I mean think about it, have you ever been able to get your car fixed, or your roof repaired or new deck put on your house without those slaps crankin' up some "Fly Like an Eagle?" Funny story: I had the day off last summer and work up to the sounds of Steve Miller's "Jet Airliner" and a circular saw. "Who's getting soffit and facia," I thought aloud.

Sure e-fucking-nough, I look out the window and it's a sea of butt crack, tank top and F-150. Looked like a Goddam West Virginia wedding.

If we're going hair bands you gotta go with Poison. They had it all, you know. Spandex, Aqua Net hair, pyrotechnics, the works. And they were quite versatile in their music. You had the rocking out hard sounds of "nothing but a good time," and yet they went ballad on our ass and gave us "Every Rose has it's thorn." Not to mention, I'm baised. Do you have ANY idea how many booster's wive's I got into the back of my Oldsmobile Toronado with "Tlak Dirty to me."

Well, the boat's a floatin' into Panama and that can only mean one thing: cheap hookers. Everyone have a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend and remember, it's never wise to tell "Fire" in a crowded movie theater and it's even worse to go to a Memorial Day parade and yell...

"LOOK AT THE RACK ON THAT MAJORETTE! SHE CAN'T BE MORE THAN WHAT? FOURTEEN?"

Send questions and comments to AskWlat@gmail.com

IT'S BUTT ROCK FRIDAY

For this week's BUTT ROCK FRIDAY, we go a little bit on the Adult Contemporary side. This singer puts Jimmy Buffet to shame. Unfortunately, the author doesn't allow embedding his video. Talk about a poor sport. So get out you Hawaiian shirt, your parrot, and you favorite cocktail to Bertie Higgins' Key Largo. Click the Link to enjoy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBo_u5uzjQw

An abrupt ending

A Pitt outfielder did not make the trip to this weekend's Big East Tournament after he collided with a stolen car that was abandoned in right field at the Tree Field baseball facility.

The outfielder, who was not named by athletic department officials, bruised three ribs and tore a knee ligament while he was shagging fly balls during a Monday afternoon practice and struck the car. The outfielder went back for a deep drive to right center field and was concentrating on the ball when he collided with the 1993 Buick Century, which was stolen, abandoned and burned on the field sometime over the winter and was not removed.

"Son of a bitch," said Pitt baseball coach Joe Jordano. "I told them something like this would happen. I freakin' warned them. Anyone ever listen to me? Shit no."

The car was reported stolen to Pittsburgh Police by the vehicle's owner, Stanley "Stash" Lowikowsky of Carrick, in mid-January. It was found burned on the baseball field two days later. Since then, Lowikowsky, his insurance company, city police and the University have been embroiled in a debate over who is responsible for removing the vehicle from the baseball field.

The City and University initially said that Lowikowsky's insurance company is responsible for recovering the vehicle's remains. However, the insurance company, Great American Insurance of Glassport, told the city and university in writing that the policy is null and void and that it is not liable for the charred remains. In typical University of Pittsburgh fashion, lawsuits are now pending against Lowikowsky, Great American of Glassport, the City of Pittsburgh, the City of Glassport and the Buick division of General Motors for making the car in the first place.

"Bottom line: if they don't build it, it's not on our field and it doesn't injure one of our players. You think about that," said director of jock strap retrieval Ed Tuckus.

The Panthers opened the Big East Tournament Thursday in Brooklyn, N.Y. against South Florida.

BUTT ROCK FRIDAY WINNER

Due to some technical difficulties, Panther Rants was unable to post the winner for Butt Rock Friday. The winner is Sheriff with their classic song "When I'm with You".

Cause sometimes a treadmill isn't enough

Pitt fans are an overweight bunch. We've all seen 'em in the Heinz Field parking lots. Slammin' Ahrn and hot dogs like it's their job. The good news is that there's now a way to shed those pounds and honor your favorite Pitt coach all at the same time. The creator of Tae Bo proudly presents Wlat Bo. which has the same principles as Tae Bo but utilizes Harris signature moves. Your 20 minute workout will include.

* - Quick kicks

* - Getting and a three-point stance and shifting into a swinging gate formation.

* - Running in place after a Denny's waitress.

* - And, of course, no timeouts.

Forgotten Foge Fazio Found!

Panther Rants would like to recognize the efforts of esteemed sports journalist Dale Grdnic of Panther Digest for his piece today on former Pitt coach Foge Fazio . It's a well-written piece and literally a walk down memory lane for those of us here at Panther Rants. Like an abuse victim, we at Panther Rants had conveniently suppressed all memories of the Fazio era until we read this article. Then all the disappointment came steaming back all at once, but really couldn't dampen our mood ... how could we possibly be any more disappointed than we already had been?

The story was great for a number of reasons. First, it gave us insight into what Foge is up to these days. We were shocked to learn that anyone knew there was a broadcast of the Pitt spring game let alone that Foge worked that broadcast. Secondly, we appreciated Foge's insight into the current program. It frightened us greatly, though, that he drew parallels between his ability to recruit and not coach to that of the current staff. Finally, we were just surprised to learn that he was still alive. Maybe it was because we surpressed any memories of him, but we at Panther Rants not only thought Foge died several years ago, but we can swear we attended his wake ... come to think of it, maybe that was Coach Majors' wake.

Ask Wlat - May 17

It's time for another installment of Ask Wlat, where the former head coach of the University of Pittsburgh and Stanford telepathically answers questions from his many admirers.

Dear Wlat,

Do you feel vindicated by the fact Pitt has failed to have a winning season since you "resigned" to go to Stanford? Or are you just humiliated by the loss to UC Davis and being shown the door out west?

Quick Kick Fan

Quick Kick, Love the handle.

I have no shame in regards to the loss to UC-Davis. You know, I've told countless fans, alumni and administrators that we were building a program, not a team. And you know, sometimes, when you build a program, you have to take a step back to take one forward. Sometimes that step back involves losing a home game to a team that only traveled and dressed 33 players, you know, and...

Okay, guys, you know what? I can't bullshit you no more: we didn't even put together a game plan for UC-Davis. I mean, for shit's sake, they're UC-Davis. I felt like Samuel Jackson when he tried to rob McDowell's in Coming to America and Eddie Murphy tried stopping him. "Who the FUCK is this AZZHOLE?" I thought it would be like shooting pool against someone that has spina bifida, so why bother with practices and game film? I gave the team the week off an I flew out to Reno with Tom Freeman to go hookering.

And if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. You know, they're still UC Davis.

As for Pitt, You have no idea the joy I take in Pitt not making a bowl since I left. I mean, think about it. You have about 110 teams and roughly 95 bowls. How bad to you have to suck to not make a bowl? 6-6 teams make bowls nowadays. Shit, Tulsa made a bowl last year. TULSA!

And before you say, "Yo, Wlat, YOU didn't make a bowl in your two seasons at Stanford." Hey pal, I was in the PAC-10. I was going up against Southern Cal, Cal, UCLA, Oregon and Oregon State. Pitt played WVU, Louisville and....shit, I don't even remember whose still in that stupid league.

Oh sure, I say all of the politically correct things to the press. "They'll get back on track. They have a commitment to winning. They'll be fine." It's all a load of crap. I've TiVo'd every loss of theirs. I pissed myself with joy when I Ohio beat them two years ago. I watch the WVU games and scream "52" so loud that the neighbors call the cops. I don't care, screw 'em.

And I especially take joy in the fact that some of their self-righteous, bitchy fans are even more miserable now that ever. Eff 'em all. I'm glad they're gonna average 1,800 fans for their seven home games against Grambling, Army, Navy, Coast Guard, Ambridge, Norwin and Serra Catholic. They all reveled in my failures so now it's my turn.

Dear Wlat,

Who's more underappreciated: Jimmy Carter or me?Anxiously awaiting your reply,

The Quick Kick

Lotta Quick Kick mail this week.

Look, did the Kick contribute to hyper-inflation? No. Did the Kick contribute to the Iran hostage situation? Hardly. Was the Kick in office during the first gasoline crisis? I think not. Do the math.

Well, it's time for the old Wlatster to get on down to Denny's. Everyone have a happy and safe weekend and I'll talk to you all next week. And remember: if your gate's not swingin', you're not tryin' hard enough.

Ask Wlat appears at the end of every week on Panther Rants. Send your questions and comments to AskWlat@gmail.com.

The Lair of Tears

Panther Rants has learned that posters on "other" Pitt message boards are disgusted by our so-called "bathroom humor." Everyone is entitled to their opinion and that includes this blog.

With that in mind, Panther Rant's opinion is that some people take themselves extremely too seriously.

That, and posting pictures of your children on message boards is just plain stupid.

Remember Wyndol, life?

"Other Board" members posting their

thoughts on Pitt Hoops

Catching Up with Mike Rice

Here today, gone tomorrow. That's what happens when you become one of the key components of a Top Ten basketball team that finishes in the Sweet 16. We're talking about former assistant Mike Rice who recently took over as head coach at Robert Morris. Rice was also a decent recruiter, which is good because we wondered what Jamie Dixon would do without Slice Rohrssen. We caught up with Mike to see what he's been up to since leaving Pitt.

PR: Mike, it's good to see you again. How are things up at Bobby Mo'?

MR: Well it's not Oakland. I can tell you that much.

PR: You were at Pitt for a very short time. Tell me about your experience here.

MR: I had a good time here. I worked with a great team and great coaches. Not to mention the fans and students who showed up. The fans aren't the rowdiest bunch. I guess football has taken a toll on them. I don't know. The student section was great. They may not show up most of the time, but they have very creative cheers and chants.

PR: What about the team and their style of play?

MR: Well they're a good group of guys. Each of them brings something to the table. That's why we had so much depth. If we needed a three pointer, we had Ron Ramon. If we needed a rebound or a nice pass, we had Levon Kendall. If we needed athleticism, we had Sam Young. If we needed an erratic jump shot attempt, we had Mike Cook. If we needed a big man, we had Aaron Gray. If we needed someone to step up, we had Antonio Graves. If we needed a Carl Krauser without the street ball, we had Levance Fields.

PR: What about Keith Benjamin?

MR: I like Keith. He brought comedy to the team. I always enjoyed his complaining about relationships. It was only a matter of....

PR: Alright enough of that. Do you think the team lived up to its expectations before the season?

MR: Well we got to the Sweet Sixteen didn't we? What else were you expecting?

PR: Well Uh...

MR: Do the math, pal. We finished tied second in the Big East, runners up in the Big East Tournament, a pre-season Top Ten, favorites to win the conference, and expected to go Sweet 16 or better. We got the Top Ten finish and the Sweet 16. We also won 29 games. We did all this with a 7 foot center that has a hard time dunking, and can't stop fumbling his cars keys or missing the trash can when he throws away his bottle of Gatorade. We did it with a three point specialist who can only hit threes when he's not covered. We did it with our best athlete who also scored points, but was a turnover machine. Finally, we did it with a player named Levon with a Vanilla Ice haircut. I'd do the same if my parents named me that. Who in the hell names their kid Levon anyway?

PR: Well he did score 40 points....

MR: If I hear that comment, I'm going to scream. Who the hell was he playing against? The Washington Generals? Is there a Canadian Globetrotters?

PR: Ok, we'll drop the subject. Do you think you can pick up where the previous coach left off at Robert Morris?

MR: I believe I can. I will implement a new style of play and recruiting should be pretty easy.

PR: Easy? How so?

MR: I'm going to recruit the same kids that Pitt will be recruiting. You see, recruiting your top targets at Pitt is like going to Jack's in the Southside on a Friday night. You're all decked out in your nice button down collared shirt with the collar up, a nice pair of jeans, some Raybans, some body spray, a fake tan, blonde highlights in your hair, and your expensive cell phone where you plan to pick a nice college coed hottie. In the end, you end up with the 47 year old woman who sales insurance and listens to a lot of Shania Twain and loves Tim Mcgraw. In other words, it doesn't take much to beat them for a recruit.

PR: You didn't touch on the style of play. Will it be similar to Pitt's?

MR: Not at all. That style was boring. We have a new style in place for next season.

PR: Well what is it?

MR: Mike Iuzzolino style. F' you Fat East!

PR: On that note Mike, we appreciate the time. Good Luck next season.

MR: Thank You.

Happy Tesla Tuesday!

We here at Panther Rants are big fans of the Butt Rock. We don't believe that there's enough discussion about butt rock in these parts. So we bring you Tesla Tuesday. A mediocre at best band for a mediocre at best blog which talks about a mediocre at best athletic department. So, Happy Tesla Tuesday, bitches!

Cart Kelly Seeking Transfer to Pitt

Princeton University defensive back Cart "Butt Sex" Kelly has re-opened himself...to the University of Pittsburgh. Cart initially sought a scholarship to Pitt during his high school football tenure at Baldwin High School in Pittsburgh, PA. Speaking after a stimulating, steamy spring practice, Kelly still believes that "Pitt is it for me. I've wanted to go there since Dave Wannstedt took the program over. He has the ability to recruit some fine studs for me to cover in practice and meet up with in the locker room." When asked to comment, Coach Wannstedt could only respond "At this time we cannot discuss potential recruits or new comers from other schools like Butt Sex Kelly...Crap, forget I said his name."

Kelly could be a potential replacement for the recently departed Darrelle Revis, as his ability to play tight, penetrating, man-to-man on receivers would be beneficial to the Pitt defensive secondary.

Important Notice

To alleviate any confusion, we the new publishers of Panther Rants would like to note that Chris "Doke" Dokish is no longer affiliated with this blog. Several months ago, "Doke" made a very public renouncement of this blog and left it floating adrift in cyberspace. Changes will soon be coming that remove all connections between Doke and this blog because it is the fair thing to do granted that Doke is a serious journalist and this is no longer a serious blog.

We decided to take Panther Rants over and make it a parody of recruiting sites that are way too self important. Please enjoy the content and keep in mind that it is all parody and comedy and is for entertainment purposes only.

Thanks,

Panther Rants

Kevan Barlow back in town

There is no disputing that Kevan Barlow is a Panther Rants legend. The man hates wlat more than pretty much anyone else aside from select Pitt boosters who are seeking child support for illegitimate children with a lisp. Barlow, easily Pitt's best running back since Curtis Martin, spent his career splitting time with Nick Not Goings because the "offensive genius" thought that was in the team's best interest.


Panther Rants was fortunate to hold an exclusive telepathic interview with Kevan after signing with the Steelers recently and we're thrilled to present it to our throng of readers:

PR: Welcome back to Pittsburgh. How the hell have you been?
KB: Coming home has been an amazing experience. I'm thrilled to be here. I wanted to be a Steeler sooner, but I couldn't due to my "wlat clause."
PR: "Wlat clause?"
KB: When I left Pitt, I couldn't choose where I was drafted, but I could make sure that I didn't play in the same town where Wlat was coaching. I was afraid I'd have to kick his ass if I saw him again. You can only imagine how pissed off I was when he was hired at Stanford. The coaches in San Francisco talked me into giving it a try for a year and I did. That's the real reason for the trade to New York. When his punk ass was fired from Stanford, I decided to be a little more forward thinking and asked for my release from the Jets. You know some dumbfuck out there is going to hire that retard, but I figured Pittsburgh was one town where he wouldn't be. So here I am.

PR: What happened at Pitt? Why the bad blood?
KB: C'mon, dude. Seriously, I split time with Nick fucking Goings! Nick Goings!!! Do I really need to explain it any further? It's not like he's Curtis Martin or some shit like that.

PR: Looking ahead to next season, what ...
KB: Fucking Nick Goings! Jesus-brick-shitting-Christ. What the fuck? Was that little troll retarded or somethin'? I figured it was just a lisp, but the more I was around that jackass I realized he had some real mental deficiencies.

PR: Agreed. Looking ahead to next ...
KB: And that motherfucker couldn't recruit in Pittsburgh??? Are you fucking kidding me? We had a winning program. Penn State was down and West Virginia was average at best. How the hell can you not recruit in Western Pennsylvania at Pitt when you're winning and the programs around you stink? Now look, Wannstedt isn't exactly lighting the world on fire at the moment, but that guy is recruiting more talent in a year than wlat did in 8, and he's doing it under the worst possible conditions.

PR: Moving on ...
KB: Seriously, what kind of fucking mongoloid was that guy? I mean, damn!

PR: ...
KB: ...

KB: See why I have that clause?
PR: We sure do, and we understand 100%. Thanks, Kevan. We'll enjoy watching you on Sundays.
KB: No problem, man, any time.

Nelson Reilly Makes His Choice

Wlat is it for this legend of the gridiron (sage).

Quoting The Wise

Wlat once said, "Tis better to have sucked than have swallowed."

Pitt's latest marketing promotion

Panther Rants Under Fire

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ask Wlat - May 10

It's time for another installment of Ask Wlat, where the former head coach of the University of Pittsburgh and Stanford answers questions from his many admirers. Wlat will be at a Vivid Video convention this weekend and is answering his questions a day early

Wlat!!!,

Did you protect this house?!!

Signed,

Large African American man with tight workout clothes

PS-Click Clack

Thanks for, you know, the kind words.

I have protected many a house in my day. You know, it started small, a soccer mom here, a Denny's waitress there. But as I got better at it, the word started to spread. Now, you know, I've been known to protect Mons Venus for hours, assuming the ATM on site isn't broken. And now that, you know, I'm basically getting paid $1.8 million to sit on my ass, you know, I'm thinking of branching out. Maybe a road trip to the Bunny Ranch or, you know, where they keep all of the Russian mail order brides.

P.S. Yeeeeeeeeah, click-clack.


Dear Wlat,

What's Shelly Anderson like in real life?

Here, look at these and then you tell me.





Pretty sure that says it all right there.

Dear wlat,

when did you get your first piece of ass? Also, does your lisp increase or decrease the pleasure a woman feels when she recieves oral from you?

Signed,
zerp


Thanks for the kind words, Zerp.

Funny you bring up the "lisp." I actually don't have a lisp and am a pretty profound public speaker. I was well on my way to becoming one of the top stand up comedians on the west coast when I was called to be an assistant at Illinois. The lisp was created by me shortly after I got to Ohio State. By that time I pretty knew, you know, that I was a mediocre at best coach. So, I tried to think of a gimmick that would keep the press and fans from picking on me.

At first I considered a limp, you know, because of the Polio. Problem is, well, go through an entire day reminding yourself "okay, you know, limp. All day." Eventually you'll slip up and walk fine and everyone will, you know, say "Hey, you friggin' faker. Not only can your defense not stop anyone, you're a bullshit artist." So we tossed that idea aside.

Next I thought, "I know, herpes!" But really, how do you visually show herpes without dropping your pants all of the time. I personally, you know, dont have a problem with it. But the local police did. So, we moved on.

And that's when I thought of the lisp. Lisps are pretty easy to pick up, much like picking up a local dialect if you live somewhere long enough. The problem is, I took a job in Pittsburgh where everyone is a mushmouthed, hammerheaded moron. Ever listen to your average Pittsburgher talk? "Yinz gawn dahn nere tahavah Arn?" The fuck is THAT? That doesn't even approach English. Have a speech impediment in Pittsburgh is like being gay in San Francisco. You don't stick out at all. I shoulda went with the crotch rot instead.

Well, judging by the clock on the wall, Jones should be somewhere around Boise. Have a happy and safe weekend and remember, if you're in my Denny's and wanna know which waitress I'm hitting on. The better question is "which waitress isn't he hitting on?"

Sage's Pitt Periodical (May edition)

Greetings, Faithful Panther! This one is the principle of my periodic fixation to release, found EXCLUSIVELY in the Rants panther! This is obvious exciting and a little while extraordinary for athletics of Pitt, mainly the program of the soccer football. With another class of solid recruitment and means absolutely incredibly entertained a game it played a crowd of the near-capacity in the field of Heinz (with sincerely in the attention), Wannstedt and the Co finally looks like to have the ship indicated in the correct direction! Since Wannstedt has gained 11 games in its past 2 years, that one is compared to rough 5,5 statistical victories by the station in its supply of Pitt. Clearing upon the 5 to the whole number closest (6!) and being multiplied that total for year 1976 where Pitt gained the national title with Wannstedt like graduated assistant, and to divide that by its 3 stars of the ring of the championship and the rivals of the average in the class of more recent recruitment (3,04) it gives 12.014.08 reasons him for which Wanny is our man! With a so talented car and to per extraordinary prisoners to us of the man being satisfied the class as the SoufOaklin way obtains its wife pumped by goo of the man, is how PITT can no!

VERITAS LOST UNDERWEAR!

Dixon Names Assistant

Tom Herrion, former College of Charelston head coach, has joined the Pitt basketball coaching staff. And the process of hiring the new coach went exactly as anticipated.

Head Coach Jamie Dixon had Danny Hurley, a high school coach from New Jersey, at the top of his list. Typical to Dixon's track record, he was turned down by his top choice. Instead, and as usual, Dixon settled for someone not quite as good.



"The great thing about coming to Pitt is that the expectations aren't too high," Herrion said in an exclusive telepathic interview with Panther Rants. "Sure, we're expected to win 20-plus games and advance to the tournament. But that's never proven to be too difficult. We only beat one decent team once all of last season and the fans were beside themselves with excitement.
"The great part about Pitt is when we swing and miss on every top recruiting target on our list - and we will - no one will care. When we land more mediocre prospects, our fans will do what they typically do - overhype them and insert their own evaluations and reality that make the players out to be much better than they are. And they'll be satisfied with beating up on a bunch of lesser opponents and making no real progress with the program."

Herrion said he will hit the ground running once he gets to Pittsburgh. His plans are to recruit a whole new group of one-dimensional players who will tease Pitt fans with their potential, if only they could develop the rest of their game, but never actually come through.

Runnin' with Kevin Jones

When we at Panther Rants learned Kevin Jones would be running through western Pennsylvania over the weekend, we felt it was a good time to rent a golf cart and get an update from the Detroit Lions running back. Jones still hasn't stopped running since November of 2003, when Pitt's poor defense allowed him to rack up the second easiest 200-yard rushing performance in the history of the game. His effort is topped only by the ease with which former Notre Dame running back Julius Jones hung 243 on the Pitt D earlier that same season.

PR: Kevin, how does it feel to be back in Pittsburgh.
KJ: It's great, man. I always love coming back to Pittsburgh. I started something special here. I understand it's something Pitt fans still talk about to this day. It probably got me an extra million or two from the Lions. So I have a special place in my heart for Pittsburgh. The only annoying part is every so often when I come through town, two-time team MVP Dan Stephens still tries to chase me down. It's tougher to avoid him now than it was then because he's driving a car after me. Still, I just juke and he drives into a Jersey barrier ... three, no four, times that's happened now.

PR: And you still lost that game. How is that?
KJ: I have no clue. In the past I had always told people it was because wlat is such a special coach - how can you own Frank Beamer and not be a special coach? Then last year at Stanford he showed why he was run out of Pittsburgh. How we ever lost to any team coached by that guy is now a complete and utter mystery to me.

PR: Your performance at Pitt that day was astounding, but it ranks second to a better day had by Julius Jones earlier that season. How do you feel about that?
KJ: Julius set the standard that season. I really thought I would easily surpass what he did. Then coach Beamer lost his mind and started trying to throw the ball around with that two-headed quarterback system. Man, if he would have stayed on task, I could've hung 300 or 400 on Pitt that day. But I guess we'll never know.
I run with Julius from time to time. You would think it would be more frequent given that we've both been "still running" four 3 1/2 years. But he got a head start on me and we've frequently been heading in different directions. When we get the chance to run for an hour or so, we always talk about how grateful we are for that Pitt team. Those two games made our careers.

PR: Well, Kevin, we're starting to run out of fuel, so thanks for taking the time to speak with us. How long do you figure you'll keep running?
KJ: Until one of these things happens: Wlat proves Pitt was wrong in getting rid of him; Wannstedt wins the Big East; or Matt Millen proves he's at all adequate as a GM.
PR: We'll plan to talk in another 3 1/2 years then, OK?
KJ: You got it.

Ask Wlat!

Welcome to Ask Wlat, where every Friday Wlat will answer three questions from his throng of fans.

Dear Wlat,

Would I have been drafted in the top half or bottom half of the first round had you stayed the past two years?

Love,

Tyler Plako

Thanks for, you know, the letter, Tyler. Whether I stayed or not, you know, would have had no bearing on where you went, you know, in the draft because, you know, your arm strength still sucked. If you look, you know, at my past quarterbacks - Lytle, Turman, Priestly, and Rutherford - none of them went very high in, you know, the draft. Rutherford set Pitt records and, you know, still couldn't sniff better than the practice squad.

But I do have good news, Tyler. You were still the grittiest and toughest, you know, competitor to come out of Western Pennsy...wait. Pozslyzny graduated this year too, didn't he? Well, you know, top five's not bad either.

Wlat,

Waht's up sucka? When we gonna belt out some tunes together, again?

Signed,
Kool from Kool and the Gang

Kool,

Just as soon as we can get the Gang to do what they are coached to do.

Dear Wlat,

What is the best way to pick up a waitress at Denny's?

Thanks in advance,

SL

SL,

Finally, you know, a subject in which I am an expert. I currently hold the Guiness Book of World Record for most Denny's waitresses bagged. Three things that, you know, need to be done to, you know, get your dream Denny's waitress (or hostess) home with you.

* - Ask how her illigitimate child is. There is, you know, no better way of breaking the ice than showing that you at least, you know, somewhat care about the woman and her family. This will usually cause her to let her gaurd, you know, down and make her vulnerable.

* - Compliment her on her lower back tattoo when she bends over. "My, is that Chinese lettering? You must be into Zen." Sure, you could blurt out "nice target" but, you know, do you honestly think she's never heard that before? No. Instead you want to, you know, pay close attention to the tattoo itself and then come up with, you know, a compliment on the fly.

* - After doing the first two, say "Your ass must be getting hotter because my dong of love is defeinitely getting harder." I've never has the line fail me. Should it fail you, just smash her in the head with your coffee cup and drag her out of that emergency exit in the back of the joint. It's Denny's for fuck's sake. No one will miss her. It's not like you're stealing away a brain surgeon.

Thanks for writing, you know, and keep those cards and letters coming in. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm getting hungry for a "Grand Slam."

A long fall from grace

Former Pitt wide receiver Joe DelSardo was a fan favorite for many reasons. Although he rarely saw the field during his junior and senior seasons, DelSardo captured our imagination with an amazing touchdown catch against Rutgers during the magical 2004 season. No doubt, we would all like our lasting image of Joe to be this:



But it seems his rocky final years with the Panthers were only a glimpse of the depth to which Joe would fall. Panther Rants recently learned that Joe has hit skid row hard. Following the end of his career at Pitt, he's only been able to find work as a roadie for the 80s buttrock group Boston. Below is photo of Joe (right) during the band's most recent tour:



This report has been brought to you by:

Tuesday Morning Update

Dave Wannstedt, head coach of your beloved Pitt Panthers, is planning on having lunch with various University trustees at the Duquesne Club today. Adding new Nautilous machines in the weightroom, increasing Buddy Morris's salary and other financial details shuold be discussed.

The noteworthy aspect of this update, though, is that Coach has plans to have down a few Iron City's at the Blawnox VFW later that evening. Discussion topics include re-fab Harley suspensions, leather jackets and Sally Wiggin.

Name one other college head coach with the moxie to do that.

Lithpy womanizer branching out

Panther Rants has learned that loved and revered former Pitt Coach Wlat has taken on a new profession - broadcast media! Wlat has turned up in Hartford, Conn., with a self-named radio station. The format, Latino hits, may explain why so many of us had trouble understanding a damn word he ever uttered - he wasn't speaking English with a lisp, he was speaking Spanish very poorly.

Desliz, Tyler Palko! CICUENTA y DOS!