Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Ask Wlat - May 10

It's time for another installment of Ask Wlat, where the former head coach of the University of Pittsburgh and Stanford answers questions from his many admirers. Wlat will be at a Vivid Video convention this weekend and is answering his questions a day early


Did you protect this house?!!


Large African American man with tight workout clothes

PS-Click Clack

Thanks for, you know, the kind words.

I have protected many a house in my day. You know, it started small, a soccer mom here, a Denny's waitress there. But as I got better at it, the word started to spread. Now, you know, I've been known to protect Mons Venus for hours, assuming the ATM on site isn't broken. And now that, you know, I'm basically getting paid $1.8 million to sit on my ass, you know, I'm thinking of branching out. Maybe a road trip to the Bunny Ranch or, you know, where they keep all of the Russian mail order brides.

P.S. Yeeeeeeeeah, click-clack.

Dear Wlat,

What's Shelly Anderson like in real life?

Here, look at these and then you tell me.

Pretty sure that says it all right there.

Dear wlat,

when did you get your first piece of ass? Also, does your lisp increase or decrease the pleasure a woman feels when she recieves oral from you?


Thanks for the kind words, Zerp.

Funny you bring up the "lisp." I actually don't have a lisp and am a pretty profound public speaker. I was well on my way to becoming one of the top stand up comedians on the west coast when I was called to be an assistant at Illinois. The lisp was created by me shortly after I got to Ohio State. By that time I pretty knew, you know, that I was a mediocre at best coach. So, I tried to think of a gimmick that would keep the press and fans from picking on me.

At first I considered a limp, you know, because of the Polio. Problem is, well, go through an entire day reminding yourself "okay, you know, limp. All day." Eventually you'll slip up and walk fine and everyone will, you know, say "Hey, you friggin' faker. Not only can your defense not stop anyone, you're a bullshit artist." So we tossed that idea aside.

Next I thought, "I know, herpes!" But really, how do you visually show herpes without dropping your pants all of the time. I personally, you know, dont have a problem with it. But the local police did. So, we moved on.

And that's when I thought of the lisp. Lisps are pretty easy to pick up, much like picking up a local dialect if you live somewhere long enough. The problem is, I took a job in Pittsburgh where everyone is a mushmouthed, hammerheaded moron. Ever listen to your average Pittsburgher talk? "Yinz gawn dahn nere tahavah Arn?" The fuck is THAT? That doesn't even approach English. Have a speech impediment in Pittsburgh is like being gay in San Francisco. You don't stick out at all. I shoulda went with the crotch rot instead.

Well, judging by the clock on the wall, Jones should be somewhere around Boise. Have a happy and safe weekend and remember, if you're in my Denny's and wanna know which waitress I'm hitting on. The better question is "which waitress isn't he hitting on?"

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