Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Ask Wlat!

Welcome to Ask Wlat, where every Friday Wlat will answer three questions from his throng of fans.

Dear Wlat,

Would I have been drafted in the top half or bottom half of the first round had you stayed the past two years?


Tyler Plako

Thanks for, you know, the letter, Tyler. Whether I stayed or not, you know, would have had no bearing on where you went, you know, in the draft because, you know, your arm strength still sucked. If you look, you know, at my past quarterbacks - Lytle, Turman, Priestly, and Rutherford - none of them went very high in, you know, the draft. Rutherford set Pitt records and, you know, still couldn't sniff better than the practice squad.

But I do have good news, Tyler. You were still the grittiest and toughest, you know, competitor to come out of Western Pennsy...wait. Pozslyzny graduated this year too, didn't he? Well, you know, top five's not bad either.


Waht's up sucka? When we gonna belt out some tunes together, again?

Kool from Kool and the Gang


Just as soon as we can get the Gang to do what they are coached to do.

Dear Wlat,

What is the best way to pick up a waitress at Denny's?

Thanks in advance,



Finally, you know, a subject in which I am an expert. I currently hold the Guiness Book of World Record for most Denny's waitresses bagged. Three things that, you know, need to be done to, you know, get your dream Denny's waitress (or hostess) home with you.

* - Ask how her illigitimate child is. There is, you know, no better way of breaking the ice than showing that you at least, you know, somewhat care about the woman and her family. This will usually cause her to let her gaurd, you know, down and make her vulnerable.

* - Compliment her on her lower back tattoo when she bends over. "My, is that Chinese lettering? You must be into Zen." Sure, you could blurt out "nice target" but, you know, do you honestly think she's never heard that before? No. Instead you want to, you know, pay close attention to the tattoo itself and then come up with, you know, a compliment on the fly.

* - After doing the first two, say "Your ass must be getting hotter because my dong of love is defeinitely getting harder." I've never has the line fail me. Should it fail you, just smash her in the head with your coffee cup and drag her out of that emergency exit in the back of the joint. It's Denny's for fuck's sake. No one will miss her. It's not like you're stealing away a brain surgeon.

Thanks for writing, you know, and keep those cards and letters coming in. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm getting hungry for a "Grand Slam."

No comments: