Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Ask Wlat - May 17

It's time for another installment of Ask Wlat, where the former head coach of the University of Pittsburgh and Stanford telepathically answers questions from his many admirers.
Dear Wlat,
Do you feel vindicated by the fact Pitt has failed to have a winning season since you "resigned" to go to Stanford? Or are you just humiliated by the loss to UC Davis and being shown the door out west?
Quick Kick Fan
Quick Kick, Love the handle.
I have no shame in regards to the loss to UC-Davis. You know, I've told countless fans, alumni and administrators that we were building a program, not a team. And you know, sometimes, when you build a program, you have to take a step back to take one forward. Sometimes that step back involves losing a home game to a team that only traveled and dressed 33 players, you know, and...

Okay, guys, you know what? I can't bullshit you no more: we didn't even put together a game plan for UC-Davis. I mean, for shit's sake, they're UC-Davis. I felt like Samuel Jackson when he tried to rob McDowell's in Coming to America and Eddie Murphy tried stopping him. "Who the FUCK is this AZZHOLE?" I thought it would be like shooting pool against someone that has spina bifida, so why bother with practices and game film? I gave the team the week off an I flew out to Reno with Tom Freeman to go hookering.

And if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. You know, they're still UC Davis.
As for Pitt, You have no idea the joy I take in Pitt not making a bowl since I left. I mean, think about it. You have about 110 teams and roughly 95 bowls. How bad to you have to suck to not make a bowl? 6-6 teams make bowls nowadays. Shit, Tulsa made a bowl last year. TULSA!

And before you say, "Yo, Wlat, YOU didn't make a bowl in your two seasons at Stanford." Hey pal, I was in the PAC-10. I was going up against Southern Cal, Cal, UCLA, Oregon and Oregon State. Pitt played WVU, Louisville and....shit, I don't even remember whose still in that stupid league.
Oh sure, I say all of the politically correct things to the press. "They'll get back on track. They have a commitment to winning. They'll be fine." It's all a load of crap. I've TiVo'd every loss of theirs. I pissed myself with joy when I Ohio beat them two years ago. I watch the WVU games and scream "52" so loud that the neighbors call the cops. I don't care, screw 'em.

And I especially take joy in the fact that some of their self-righteous, bitchy fans are even more miserable now that ever. Eff 'em all. I'm glad they're gonna average 1,800 fans for their seven home games against Grambling, Army, Navy, Coast Guard, Ambridge, Norwin and Serra Catholic. They all reveled in my failures so now it's my turn.
Dear Wlat,
Who's more underappreciated: Jimmy Carter or me?Anxiously awaiting your reply,
The Quick Kick
Lotta Quick Kick mail this week.
Look, did the Kick contribute to hyper-inflation? No. Did the Kick contribute to the Iran hostage situation? Hardly. Was the Kick in office during the first gasoline crisis? I think not. Do the math.
Well, it's time for the old Wlatster to get on down to Denny's. Everyone have a happy and safe weekend and I'll talk to you all next week. And remember: if your gate's not swingin', you're not tryin' hard enough.
Ask Wlat appears at the end of every week on Panther Rants. Send your questions and comments to

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