Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Kevan Barlow back in town

There is no disputing that Kevan Barlow is a Panther Rants legend. The man hates wlat more than pretty much anyone else aside from select Pitt boosters who are seeking child support for illegitimate children with a lisp. Barlow, easily Pitt's best running back since Curtis Martin, spent his career splitting time with Nick Not Goings because the "offensive genius" thought that was in the team's best interest.

Panther Rants was fortunate to hold an exclusive telepathic interview with Kevan after signing with the Steelers recently and we're thrilled to present it to our throng of readers:

PR: Welcome back to Pittsburgh. How the hell have you been?
KB: Coming home has been an amazing experience. I'm thrilled to be here. I wanted to be a Steeler sooner, but I couldn't due to my "wlat clause."
PR: "Wlat clause?"
KB: When I left Pitt, I couldn't choose where I was drafted, but I could make sure that I didn't play in the same town where Wlat was coaching. I was afraid I'd have to kick his ass if I saw him again. You can only imagine how pissed off I was when he was hired at Stanford. The coaches in San Francisco talked me into giving it a try for a year and I did. That's the real reason for the trade to New York. When his punk ass was fired from Stanford, I decided to be a little more forward thinking and asked for my release from the Jets. You know some dumbfuck out there is going to hire that retard, but I figured Pittsburgh was one town where he wouldn't be. So here I am.

PR: What happened at Pitt? Why the bad blood?
KB: C'mon, dude. Seriously, I split time with Nick fucking Goings! Nick Goings!!! Do I really need to explain it any further? It's not like he's Curtis Martin or some shit like that.

PR: Looking ahead to next season, what ...
KB: Fucking Nick Goings! Jesus-brick-shitting-Christ. What the fuck? Was that little troll retarded or somethin'? I figured it was just a lisp, but the more I was around that jackass I realized he had some real mental deficiencies.

PR: Agreed. Looking ahead to next ...
KB: And that motherfucker couldn't recruit in Pittsburgh??? Are you fucking kidding me? We had a winning program. Penn State was down and West Virginia was average at best. How the hell can you not recruit in Western Pennsylvania at Pitt when you're winning and the programs around you stink? Now look, Wannstedt isn't exactly lighting the world on fire at the moment, but that guy is recruiting more talent in a year than wlat did in 8, and he's doing it under the worst possible conditions.

PR: Moving on ...
KB: Seriously, what kind of fucking mongoloid was that guy? I mean, damn!

PR: ...
KB: ...

KB: See why I have that clause?
PR: We sure do, and we understand 100%. Thanks, Kevan. We'll enjoy watching you on Sundays.
KB: No problem, man, any time.

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