Butt Rock Friday - Off Week Edition

Even though Pitt's off this week, Butt Rock Friday never takes a day off during the season. And, after Pitt's performances against Buffalo and Bowling Shoes, and the horrible performance by Rutgers last night against North Carolina, West Virginia's game Saturday against East Carolina and Syracuse's performance against...pretty much everyone since Greg Robinson got to town we could think of no better jam than this one.

P.S. You know you're DYING to crank this sum'bitch up on the speakers on your work computer. They probably don't pay you enough to NOT keep the volume low anyways.

The Best Damn WLAT Show....Period!

Live from a hospital bed where we can't disclose our location.....it's the BEST......DAMN....WLAT SHOW.....PERIOD! Hosted by the one who took you to bowl games, Walt Harris! Co-starring with Walt is his partner in crime, the man who Walt loves to bench, the man who couldn't beat out Tyrone Carter...err ummm I'm getting the hell out of here because Kevan Barlow is about to kick my ass!

( announcer seen running into the crowd )

Kevan Barlow: The show is sponsored by:


Walt Harris: Thank You Everybody! We have one hell of show tonight. As always my partner in crime, Kevan Barlow, is here alongside with me as we do what we always do on this show

Kevan: What's that?

Walt: Answer fan mail, have guests on the show, and make fun of you.

Kevan: Speaking of that, you know I almost joined you in a hospital bed next to you.

Walt: Is it because Nick Goings made the Carolina roster again?

Kevan: Yeah whatever. Anyways, I couldn't help it that Shady McCoy can't break 100 yards against Bowling Green or Buffalo.

Walt: Well...you know...he had more rushing yards as freshman than you did.

Kevan: Yeah I know, but he also still can't hold the ball either.

Walt: Well neither could you. I mean Dustin Piccotti had a better handle than you.

Kevan: Dustin Piccotti would get woozy when the hot water would hit his head in the shower...Puuhlease! ( crowd boos )

Walt: That was low, Kevan. Almost as low as your tenure in New York.

Kevan: You know, I'm going to just drop it because I was told to wait until you get out of that bed to do anything.

Walt: "Drop it" is what you did a good bit playing for me. Booyah!!!

Kevan: Anyways, we have a letter to address on this show. This comes from Greg in Piscataway. He writes:

Dear Walt,

I'm coaching at a program where we may have peaked about two years ago. Our quarterback has regressed and we're 0-2 after tonight's loss. My name keeps being mentioned for other jobs and I'm thinking of bolting. The good part is this program will give me whatever I want and they're even expanding our stadium. What should I do? Should I leave after this year or keep ass clowning where I'm at where I'll receive a steady paycheck?

Signed,

Greg
Piscataway, NJ

Walt: First off, why in the hell is Rutgers expanding their stadium? That stadium will look twice as empty once the program goes back to where it was in 2001. Greg, my advice is simple. Keep ass clowning where you're at. Make a few International Bowls and stack up the job offers. Mention where the program was before you came here. They'll feel guilty for trying to replace you. You may hit a point of no return. To get out, just have your agent trash the program and recruit suspect players at the point where your cupboard is bare by the time you leave. This will make yourself look good and then you can land a job where you can clown to a point where they'll buy you out. Then you can have your own show like I do.

Kevan: Great Job, Mr. Coaching Genius! Today we have a special guest on the show. He led you to the Fiesta Bowl, threw five touchdown passes at Notre Dame, and kept Frank Solich's job secure in Ohio. Fresh from his NFL stint, it's your golden boy....Tyler Palko

( Thunderous Applause )

Walt: Welcome to the show, Tyler!

Tyler: It's great being here.

Kevan: Well...where else would you be?

Tyler: On the sidelines warming up maybe.

Kevan: Well they could probably use you in Oakland. Do you have any eligibility left?

Walt: Enough, Kevan. Tyler, you can sit in Kevan's chair. Kevan, go sit on the bench.

Kevan: I'm warning you. Knock it off.

Walt: Well Tyler, I remember you had a nice sophomore season at Pitt. I remember because I coached you. So tell me, what happened since?

Tyler: Well we won a share of the Big East title. I had a great season passing with Greg Lee and Joe Delsardo as my receivers.

Walt: Ok....what else?

Tyler: I threw five touchdowns at Notre Dame:

Walt: I remember that! What else?

Tyler: I cursed on national television.

Walt: Anything else?

Tyler: We hired...Dave Wannstedt...and we hired Matt Cavanaugh. He had no knowledge of the hashmarks! Then the offensive line was depleted. Greg Lee started dropping passes. We lost to Ohio in overtime! I was running for my life every play. Oh God! I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!

Walt: ( gets up and shakes Palko ) Tyler, get a hold of yourself ( slaps Tyler )

Kevan: ( starts beating on Palko ) You're not playing anymore! ( shakes Tyler some more )

Tyler: ( calms down ) Okay, I feel better now. Thanks Kevan for reminding me that I'm not a Pitt anymore.

Kevan: No problem, buddy! ( pauses then screams out ) ELVIS DUMERVILLE!

Palko: ( rolls into a ball ) No! Please! Make it stop! ( Runs off stage )

Kevan: Can we add him on the show? I could have so much fun with this!

Walt: Knock it off, Kevan. The man faced some serious flashbacks in his final years at Pitt. You know what? Let's hire him on. We almost have a full staff. We just need a Ryan Seacrest lookalike and a Tom Arnold type.

Kevan: Call up Yogi Roth, he could fit the mold.

Walt: Which one? Ok, we're out of time. We'll save it for next show. Good night everyone. Remember, if you're stuck at some job in Jersey. Things could we worse. You could be in Syracuse right now. Hindsight is 50/50!

News in Brief - Sept. 10

PITTSBURGH- Former University of Pittsburgh football coach Wlat Harris is listed in stable condition after rupturing his appendix Saturday evening.
Harris was reportedly rushed from his seat at Heinz Field to UPMC-Presbyterian after excessive laughter at Pitt's offense in Saturday's game against Buffalo caused the appendix to burst.
"Coach Harris is resting comfortably and is in good spirits," said a hospital spokeswoman.
A source who allegedly has seats near Harris, who was the Panthers coach from 1997 to 2004, said that Harris was laughing uncontrollably and yelling, "THREE UNDRED FIFTY-TWO YARDS TOTAL? ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDING ME?" When he doubled over in pain. Stadium security was then called, who requested paramedics.

OAKLAND- With 10 weeks remaining in the season, the athletic department has announced additional upcoming promotions for a football team worth spending money on about as much as a 300-pound stripper is.
Marketing SomethingorOther Chris Ferris announced Sunday that the Panthers will be hosting Princell Brockenbrough "Bobble Night," against Rutgers on Oct. 25 and "Redneck Appreciation Day" against Louisville in November.
Ferris emphasized that the Brockenbrough promotion is not a "bobblehead" day, meaning the fans would receive lifelife dolls of the former Pitt wide receiver. Instead, anyone who bobbles anything - a football, their game ticket, the airplane bottle of Jack Daniels they're atempting to sneak in - will receive free admission.
"We thought about doing bobbleheads, then realized that we can't afford it and...seriously, who is showing up for Princell Brockenbrough bobbleheads?" Ferris asked.
For Redneck Appreciation Day, anyone who arrives to the stadium wearing a shirt missing sleeves, or in Wrangler jeans, or in a pickup truck with those stupid-assed plastic testicles hanging from the pumper hitch (more commonly known as "truck nutz") will be admitted into the stadium for $1.
"Given the demographics of Pittsburgh and western Pensylvania, we expect a fairly significant crowd for this game," Ferris said.

Weekly Update with Foge!

MONESSEN (PR) – We caught up with Foge at La Eda’s Restaurant in Monessen. Foge was eating baked ziti with sausage and loved it.

PR: What brings you to the Mon Valley?

FF: I just love this place. La Eda’s is a great restaurant and I kind of do a tour of restaurants serving good Italian cuisine. Plus, the Mon Valley is about as innovative and forward thinking as Matt Cavanaugh’s offensive play calling. So it put me in the mood to visit this dinosaur of a place.

PR: What were your thoughts about the Buffalo game?

FF: They did show improvement and that is what is expected from week one to week two. But in my opinion not enough improvement was made.

PR: We all know that Dave likes fish sandwiches, are you taking him anything back from here?

FF: Oh yeah definitely. Dave is going to be staying away from fish for a while. He is getting the Chicken Parmesan with a side of pasta and a large salad with cheese.

PR: Does the comments from Dave saying, “the team is only 60-70% of where we should be now”, concern you?

FF: Most definitely! I mean, he has had almost 9 months since the WVU game to get his team to where they need to be. That is on him and his staff to prepare the team to play the games. It is nice that Dave is making changes, but cassette tapes from 80’s bands can only take you so far.

PR: How about this one from Dave? “ The kids were not going to get down at halftime like they did against Bowling Green.” What was Dave doing at halftime against Bowling Green and what tricks did he employ at halftime against Buffalo?

FF: Well, you know I was in the booth but it is my understanding that at halftime against Bowling Green he was trying out a new wax for his 89 Camaro, IROC Z. He was very pleased with it by the way. But, he felt so comfortable with the 3-point lead that he built up that he just went out and rubbed on some wax. Last week, against the Bulls he actually stayed in the locker room and just talked to his team. That with the senior leaders and Shady was enough for them not to get down on themselves.

PR: Have you heard of any changes from coach for the next week?

FF: A few things that I overheard. He is seriously thinking going Jimmy Buffett style and go with a pencil thin mustache. We shall see. Also, he realizes that he we have an open week this Saturday. So he is going to gather the team to watch some games.

PR: That’s great, maybe a little scouting work with the likes of Iowa St vs. Iowa, PSU vs. Syracuse, Navy at Duke, Michigan vs. Notre Dame, Virginia vs. Connecticut they can comment on things that they see as they all watch these games together.

FF: Hahahehe, you really are hilarious. Dave isn’t watching those games. He is bringing out old films of his days with the Miami (Hurricanes and Dolphins), the Bears and the Cowboys (Dallas and Oklahoma St.) C’mon fellas you know how much he loves to live in the 80’s. Damn it didn’t I tell you that he was waxing his IROC Z during halftime against Bowling Green.

PR: Easy Foge, take a sip of your wine.

PR: OK, let's break down certain aspects of the team and grade them.

PR: Coaching?

FF: C-; did show some improvement. Albeit minor. Still need to get more work for Baldwin and Cross should have come in for at least 6 plays. But I guess he is going to use him for Iowa.

Offensive play calling was still brutal. The game plan, if you can call it that, was ultra conservative. Open up with a play action pass, No Greg Cross, No imagination, NO STUGOTS! I read where you picked up on some of Matt’s phobias. Not sure about the deal with Rooney, but it makes sense. He avoids that area like a hippie avoids Dial!

Defensive play calling; almost as bad. Not enough blitzing. Corners still way to far off the ball. I thought Rhoads was in Alabama?

PR: Special Teams?

FF: B-; It could’ve been better but the 1st kickoff went out of bounce. I thought Jason Biggs was the kid that played Jim Levenstein in the American Pie flicks. (Actually Pitt used kicker Luke Briggs) Hey, how about that apple pie trick that his dad caught him at? Brutus (Brytus) still stinks and Berry missed another punt. Connor Lee was much better. Thank goodness!

PR: Offensive line?

FF: C-; Joe Thomas with yet another underwhelming effort. It was so nice to see Nix dominate for 2 plays before they returned to the Teaberry Shuffling Thomas.

PR: Receivers?

FF: B+; TJ Porter was good. Cedric had the fantastic catch that saved the game in my opinion and O Turner and Kinder were pretty good as well.

PR: Running backs?

FF: B- Shady looked good, but I’d still like to see him just run straight once he breaks the line instead of trying to run straight to the sideline.

PR: Quarterback?

FF: C+ Not bad, but again, Cav will not allow him to throw crossing routes or slants. So, until then he will be coddled and we will struggle with the entire offense. I am slightly encouraged at what I saw though. Although, it’s time to get rid of the little beard and earring. It makes him look like a finook.

PR: Overall Defense?

FF: C+; The front four got dominated by Buffalo. I know that Mick Williams, who has amassed more time in the tub than any other Pitt player in its history, was out but c’mon you have to stop Buffalo better.

Linebackers: C-: Ok, Austin Powers (Ransom) is just getting killed. When is that tough kid from Hazelwood coming back? Bonasorte never should miss games.

PR: Excuse me, Foge, it’s Shane Murray.

FF: Oh yeah Murray, whatever. Hazelwood kids should be much tougher. Plus, throw Tristan Roberts out there every once in a while. Mckillop earned the Big East player of the week. I wonder if they will show the ole’ that the Buffalo QB threw on him. He needs to come of off blocks better.

Secondary: C-. After more misses from DeCicco, Fields finally comes in only to get burnt by a blown assignment. Although the QB was only allowed to pump fake the ball 11 times. Reminded me of the old three on three, back yard football I played when I was young.

PR: Where do they go from here?

FF: Well, Iowa is a big step up from the two teams that they played. However, maybe we can offer some dope and booze to their players and that should help even the playing field. Personally, I think that we can get by these Corn Eaters.

If not look for more vitriol towards this staff.

Guys, I have to go pay my bill. See ya!

PR: Bye Foge, we’ll see you next week.

Truth discovered!

BLAWNOX (PR) – Thanks to our undercover reporting team at Panther Rants, we have come up with two connected theories as to why the middle of the field has not been utilized in Matt Cavanaugh's offense. But before we get to that discovery, let's review some predictions that this columnist made last week.

1. 1. Chase Clowser was in line for his first start. He truly was, however, after consuming no less than 68 Buffalo wings, poor Chase was forced to vomit. Rumor has it, someone(Joe Thomas) challenged him to eat the amount of wings that was on his jersey. He stopped 4 short of the 72 mark before he vomited onto Dom Deccico's hands. Which solves another mystery as to why "Dego Dom" has been missing tackle left and right. Greasy hands. This week its thanks to Clowser.




2. Lucas Nix's time did increase. He saw action on 2 plays, both of which he dominated his defender. After that, it was the Joe "ole" Thomas show. Elijah Fields' time increased remarkably, only after a degreasing solution would not work on Deccico's hands. Maybe that's why he tried so many block tackles. Chiminie Ching Hee-Haw, this aint the WPIAL anymore my friend. Also, Jonathan Baldwin saw a total of 3 plays. Thanks again, to the predictability of the coaching staff and our undercover reporter, we were right again.




3. And we did in fact hear Tom Petty's "Last Dance with Mary Jane" a song Paterno finally banned at PSU, Bryan Adams "Run to You", and Stevie Nix with Fleetwood Mac "Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow" all blaring from Wanny cassette player.




4. Finally, everyone enjoyed their pregame meal of Buffalo wings. Sorry Chase?!?!
   

Now, to our investigative piece of the story. Our sources and undercover team have uncovered several explanations as to why Pitt's Offensive Un-coordinator will not allow QB Bill Stull to throw over the middle.

1. Matt has received compensation from Dan Rooney for keeping his plays to the sideline. We all know that the idiot Rooney, who should go to a field turf, wants to keep the natural grass surface because it reminds him of the green, green fields of Ireland. I like potatoes too Dan, but I am not growing acres of them in my back yard. But with the 78 games played a year at Heinz, along with the 42 concerts a year in a variable climate, the grass just cannot sustain any thickness and gets torn up in chunks. That fact, coupled with a few landscape design graduates from Penn State and we have the crap field that makes up the playing surface at Heinz. So Rooney went above and beyond to try and keep the middle of the field clear. Offering a rather nice sum cash and a few cases of Irish Whiskey was enough to lure old Cavvy.


2. Another explanation also exists. Matt Cavanaugh suffers from a series of phobias, that together, spells doom for the future success of the Pitt offense and overall team. They include: Agoraphobia - the fear of open spaces (and as you can see from our special effect, Matt the middle is open!) Cainophobia - the fear of newness (this is also evident, Matt hasn't tried anything new since his Raven days) Phronemophobia - the fear of thinking (really Matt, designing plays for 5 yards when its 4th and 10?) Ergasiophobia - the fear of functioning (Matt does function well at Mario's) This PantherRant writer wishes that Cavanaugh suffered from Mastigophobia - a fear of public flogging. Or Enissophobia - the fear of criticism ( we may see an innovative mind at work) And one that we know Matt does not suffer from is Methyphobia - the fear of alcohol. Although I do believe that Pitt Football is suffering from Matcavnotophobia - the fear of advancing college offenses.

With these new developments in the spotlight, maybe we can finally get some changes put forth to the type of offense that Pitt will put on display for the rest of the season. And finally, maybe, Rooney will go with the smart decision, Field Turf.

Big East Round Up – Week 2

AKRON 42, SYRACUSE 28: What else can be said about Greg Robinson? He should be washing cars for a living…Although, we digress. He would absolutely ruin that wax job you got last week. Despite rampant rumors, the Akron Athletic Department has vehemently denied that Paul Rhoads is the Zips’ hopping Kangaroo mascot "Zippy."

OKLAHOMA 52, CINCINNATI 26: Dustin Grutza’s leg is broken. Somewhere, Joe Theismann is smiling. Rather than send in a 3rd string quarterback, Cincy chose to wait for the ruling on Ben Mauk’s 912th appeal to the NCAA for another year of eligibility. In order to expedite the process, Coach Brian Kelly has taken Miles Brand for ransom. Sources indicate his only demands thus far are for more Funyuns and Mountain Dew.

EAST CAROLINA 24, WEST VIRGINIA 3: Bill Stewart’s riveting halftime speech about shooting squirrels, falling down a well, getting kicked in the head by a mule, and finding Jesus was too little too late. No word yet on if the WVU secondary simply wanted to caress the satin-like appearance of the purple ECU Pirate offense rather than tackle them…

PITT 27, BUFFALO 16: The Pitt coaching staff was dumbfounded when the likes of Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, and Bruce Smith didn’t play a single down for Buffalo. Word has it that when Dave Wannstedt went to meet Buffalo’s head coach at the end of the game, he incredulously exclaimed "Marv Levy’s black?!"

USF 31, UCF 24 (OT): Matt Grothe made out with a hot cheerleader on national TV at game’s end. Reportedly, he sprung a Grothe soon afterward. No word on if he pulled out...

LOUISVILLE 51, TENNESSEE TECH 10: As we speak, Hunter Cantwell is still holding on to the ball in his throwing motion. Estimated time of release: Week 6. To help pass the time until then, we invite you to count how many times Steve Kragthorpe says "Fuck" while on the Cardinal sidelines.

UCONN 12, TEMPLE 9 (OT): LOL.

Eating WLATIES with WLAT

Announcer: Live from a hospital bed from a private location. He's the one who took you to bowl games. He's the one that kept your team competitive. He's also the reason Julius Jones is still running. Let's also not forget he needed overtime to beat Furman! Well hindsight is 50/50. It's your host, Walt Harris!!!!

( crowd applause )

Walt ( laying in a hospital bed ) : Thank you everyone! I appreciate the cards and letters I've received from all my fans. It's been a trying week for me. They say laughter is the best medicine around. Unfortunately for me, I had too much of it at Heinz Field on Saturday. It's been a shame. The doctors and nurses have forbid me from watching a tape of the Bowling Green-Pitt game or the Pitt-Ohio game. They say I may hurt myself more from the laughter.

Kevan Barlow: You're just on that bed because I put you there.

Walt: Everyone, welcome my new Ed McMahon of this show, your one and only...Kevan Barlow!

( crowd applause )

Walt: We got such good reception from last week's show so I decided to keep Kevan around.

Kevan: You just need me for ratings. Everyone is just waiting for me to pounce on you.

Walt: I only gave you this job because you needed one.

Kevan: F*** You.

Walt: Keep that up and I'll bench you for Tyler Palko when his practice squad days are over.

Kevan: Whatever.

Walt: Well let's go to the fan mail. This one comes from Matt in the Southside. It reads:

Dear Walt,

I am a football coach for a certain football team. We have all this supposed talent on the roster and I don't know what to do with it. Our quarterback seems to lack arm strength and we've resorted to throwing five yard passes. The only problem is the other team stacks up on us when they play defense. What should we do?


Signed,

Matt from Southside

Walt: Dear, Matt. You should......ha...hahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha. ( laughing uncontrollably ). Oh man, this is great. You want my advice? Really? Matt, I would answer this, but I think I'll be in intensive care by the time I finish answering it. Well Matt sometimes you call plays and they just don't work. So keep at what you're doing. It may work out in a few years or you can just wait till you get canned for someone else to figure it out. Punt on the 35? Well that's like not throwing to Larry Fitzgerald in a bowl game. Field goal with over 20 seconds left? Hell, have the QB do a slide. Do something meaningful for those 20 seconds.

Kevan: Yeah it's like benching your best tailback against Syracuse when they were good, or not running the ball against Iowa State ( laughing )

Walt: Oh yeah, it's like losing your roster spot to Carey Davis or Tyrone Carter.

( Kevan being held back by nurses )

Walt: Well that's it for today's show. Kevan is being put to sleep right now. Foge Fazio was to be our guest, but he's out getting tanked with Bill Hilgrove and Bill Fralic. I hear Fralic is more lively after a few beers. Enjoy the Buffalo game to the 35 students who plan to show up for it.