Special Accomodations for Morelli

State College - Pantherrants learned of some heated arguments on PSU's campus. Reports surfaced stating that starting quarterback, Anthony Morelli, was receiving special treatment that the remaining players did not. Assistant Coach, Jay Paterno, clarified.

"The rumors are true that Anthony will have accomodations for travel. Normally, the team travels together in buses. However, Anthony will traveling in his own, smaller bus." When asked the reason, Paterno Jr. (aka - Mr. Nepotism, Ugly Kid Jay, The Worthless Wonder, etc.) stated that the bus was for Morelli and the team's safety. "Anthony is easily confused and flustered. At times, he can act out by flailing his arms, screaming slurred obscenities, and slamming his head against the wall. And with him wearing the helmet all the time, that can not only be distracting but unsafe for the other players." Senior MLB Dan Connor elaborated. "Listen man - I got bit last year, and not in a place you wanna be bit, either. One minute he was laughing; then the bus turned and his crayons rolled down the aisle. There was no calming him down. We need the team to stay focused as we prepare for a game and Anthony needs to stay 'relaxed.'"

When asked for comment, Morelli barked like a dog, stuck his finger in his ass and sniffed it. The interview was cut short after Morelli drooled all over our notepad.

Ranteria!

Michigan Sues Big Ten Officials

The officials who worked the Michigan-Appalachian State game got a nice big bonus today in the order of a nice lawsuit. This is in return for the payment they received before the game. While some people question if it was a bribe, Michigan’s AD stated that “it was to ensure a fair game was called”. While Panther Rants couldn’t contact Michigan’s Athletic Department, Lloyd Carr telepathically made this statement:

“While we give Appalachian State a lot of credit for their effort on Saturday, we feel the officials working the game did not give their full effort. Not enough holding penalties were called on the opposing team and we could have used some more pass interference calls. That last play, we could have used an off-sides call. I wasn’t asking for two seconds to be put back on the clock. All I wanted was what we paid for.”

In response to Carr’s statement, the officials released this statement:

“He’s kidding, right? We’re serious that this has to be a joke. How in the hell can you screw up a game against a 1-AA team? We gave them the calls they wanted. How many more penalties could we have called? A five yard penalty for running too fast? Should we have given Michigan a handicap similar to bowling leagues before the game? We gave them two extra seconds against Penn State in 2005. Next thing you know, they’re gonna want a round robin game if they lose this one.”

The lawsuit is still under review

Louisville’s Petition Rejected

Bobby Petrino was so enraged about his team’s 2006 point total being down from the year before, he filed a petition to the NCAA for a fifth quarter. Petrino didn’t like the idea of pulling his first team every 4^th quarter during a blowout game and other games the team just couldn’t put up their 40-plus points like they always do. Petrino felt his team “needed more time”. Upset that his petition didn’t get much support, he quit his job and took the Atlanta Falcons job in the NFL.

Coach Steve Kragthope said his team isn’t upset.

“We figured it wouldn’t get much fanfare, says Kraththope, “Then again, we were still airing the ball out against Murray State. We were trying to break 100 points.”

Pitt QB Situation

With Bill Stull out indefinitely, Pitt’s coaching staff is working diligently to address their starting QB situation. Right now, it’s down to Kevan Smith and Pat Bostick. When asked about the starting QB and the depth, Dave Wannstedt offered his perspective:

“I remember coaching in Chicago back in 1996; we had a QB dilemma then. We were down to either Erik Kramer or Rick Mirer. Both of these guys were very good. Erik ended up winning the job. Although, I would be out of the job real soon, both guys did a very good job. I think Kevan and Pat may have more ability than those two.” Dave said telepathically.

As for the depth at QB, Pitt is looking at some players to walk-on. They brought in Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite for a workout. The staff was impressed with his arm strength as he threw a football all the way up the Duquesne Incline. Others being sought are Central High School star, Lavender “Bird” Williams. Lavander was a duel threat QB who led the Wildcats to championship under Coach Molly Mcgraff. The Panthers were looking at Texas State QB Paul Blake, but age and eligibility issues have surfaced.

Beano Cook Almost Hospitalized

Beano Cook was almost hospitalized on Saturday after Notre Dame’s loss to Georgia Tech on Saturday. Officials say that Beano had a panic attack later that night. Beano then spent the rest of his day talking about the days of Paul Hornung, Alan Page, Joe Montana, and the list went on. After that, officials felt it was just Beano being himself.

Delany to Comcast, "I'm bringing out the big guns...seriously."

Fat10 Conference commissioner Jim Delany delivered a threatening blow in his conference's battle with cable television giant Comcast.

Nuclear war.

"If they don't accept our offer of putting us on their expanded basic cable lineup we'll be left with no choice but to declare war," Delaney said at a press conference in Chicago Wednesday.

When reminded by a reporter that the Fat 10 is a collegiate athletic conference and not a country with a military, Delany became irate.

"You telling me, with all of the the rich alums we have here in Fat 10 country we couldn't get ahold of one weapon to blow up their satellite?" Delany asked. "I'm fuckin' serious. If they don't take our channel, no one gets cable. No one."

Comcast executive vice president David Cohen, however, was not concerned about the threat issued by Delany. He said that Comcast's offer of placing the channel on a sports-tier digital package is still the only offer on the table for the Network and that no further offers will be made. When asked about the possibility of the conference using nuclear weapons against the cable company, Cohen stated that he's not concerned.

"If the nuclear missile is as slow as some of those Michigan players I saw Saturday we should have a good two weeks to reposition the satellite," Cohen said.

Spannier Announces New Initiative

State College, PA - Pantherrants was on-hand at PSU's main campus for an announcement by University President, Graham Spanier. The President announced a tracking system of University racial incidents. "We are proud to announce that today marks the 6th consecutive day without a racial incident on campus. This might not seem like a great deal but considering that students moved in recently, we expected more landlords to be implicated in housing discrimination of our minority students."

Like factories with signs counting the days without a workplace safety incident, PSU will post a 150 X 100 foot sign outside Old Main to document the days. "This sign is about awareness. We want to display our commitment to the goal of decreasing racial injustice on this campus. The sign will be updated every day. There are also incentives - after 10 consecutive days, all white students will get a free treat from The Creamery. After 30 consecutive days, all white students will receive an autographed Justin King jersey."

When Spanier was told that this incentive program is itself racial discrimination, the President slumped his head, walked to the sign, and put up a zero. The press conference closed with a white student asking a Jewish student why he was wearing a baseball hat with no brim.

Grambling coach, "we are more than just a band."

Grambling head coach Rod Broadway is fired up for the Tigers game Saturday against Pitt at Heinz Field.
And not because he thinks the game will be a great matchup.
"I hear one more person ask, 'is your band coming?' and I'm gonna' lose it," Broadway said in a telepathic interview with Panther Rants Tuesday. "Ya' know, we do have a football team too."
A team that defeated Alcorn State 31-10 over the weekend, in fact. However, since the game

with Pitt was announced more than a year ago all everyone wants to talk about is Grambling's big, bad, R&B laden band. Considered by many to be the best college marching band in the world, the Tiger Band has played at Super Bowls, Presidential inaugural parades and abroad.
The excitement has apparently filtered from the fans and alumni all the way up to the coaching staff.
"Coach Wannstedt called me over the summer and said, 'man, I can't wait to see you guys," Broadway said. "I told him it was mutual and then Wanny said, 'So, you guys gonna' be playing that new Fergie song? That's my jam.' Damn man! It's like these motherfuckers are obsessed or something."
Broadway then began talking about his strategy for beating Pitt Saturday. Broadway abruptly ended the interview when he was asked if the band would be playing any 50 Cent.

Enter The No Experienced QBs on the Roster Zone

Welcome back to the Mediocre Athletics Factor, for this, the 2nd week of Pitt Football 2007. I'm your host, and I'm always in my seat 90 minutes before kickoff, even for Pitt-Greensburg vs Pitt-Titusville. Well, week one has come and gone. What were some of the highlights?

- We saw a potentially explosive backfield, as Larod Stephens-Howling and LeSean McCoy combined for 135 yards on 29 carries.

- There weren't any quick kicks.

- No slides.

- No one died.

Unfortunately, those were the highlights. The lowlights?

- The offensive line lived up to their name.

- Starting QB Bill Stull sustained a thumb injury, putting his championship thumb wrestling career in doubt.

- No quick kicks.

As seems to be the norm for Pitt Football since the early 80s, the season is over just as it begins. Pitt is now forced to turn to two green QBs for the next 4-6 weeks. Choice 1a has played organized football for only slightly longer than Britney Spears' marriages have lasted. Our second option is a QB who has been described as talented, but biblical. Call him the prodgial QB. Will Wanny and Cav open their arms and offense to the prodigal QB, or will they sacrafice lambs and goats and Chase Clowser's chicken wings at the altar of Kevan Smith? As a wise man once said, "Tmie will tmie". In either event, the Grambling game is quickly approaching, and the team does not have a leader. How will this affect the team's preparation for this grueling contest? Panther Rants has had reporters on the scene at practice all week, and their expert prognostication is that Pat Bostick our very own wandering QB, will be the starter for Grambling and the foreseeable future. The staff feels that the future is now, and as such will start Bostick, McCoy, and Lucas Nix on offense for the Grambling game. When asked how Pitt planned to have a high school senior play this week, Coach Wannstedt said, "He can't possibly play any worse than Vangas and Thomas played last week. I mean, Christ, they were practically pulling their best Roger Dorn impressions out there". Not an encouraging sign.

Additionally, when the onslaught of questions regarding Stull, Bostick, the offensive line, and the news that Wlat Harris was back in town and actually at the opener got to be too much, Coach Wannstedt melted down. Our able camera man wasn't able to capture the scene, as he was too busy shooting footage of Don Cannon falling down, however were were able to hire a famous thespian to re-enact the event. Please note, replace "playoffs" with "bowl game" for a more realistic feel.



Well that's it for this week. Not much to discuss regarding the Grambling game. I've heard great things about their band. This will be week 1 of the Pat Bostick Experience, so expect a lot of discussion in the coming days and immediately following the game. Don't forget to keep it here for your best source of hard hitting Panthers coverage.

Time to get FAHHHHRED UP!

We at Panther Rants are much too lazy and technologically challenged to put together some video with football clips and blasting butt rock. Hell, we weren't even able to find our anthem, Kid Rock's "Somebody's Gotta Feel This," on YouTube. So we did the next best thing: found a video with a whole lotta' silliness and running to get people in the mood. Here ya go, Pitt fan, and we'll so you at the game, or on the couch...or whatever.