Pitt Wins Despite Unexpected Steeler Changes

BLAWNOX (PR) - Pitt coach Dave Wannstedt was admittedly dumbfounded today following Pitt's 21-20 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. "In all the years I watched Bubby Brister run the Steeler offense I never knew he was ambidextrous and could move out of the pocket," Wannstedt said from Primanti's in Harmarville. "We've watched every Steeler game film Steve Sabol down at NFL Films could send us from 1988-1991, and we swear Bubby was just your typical slow-ass, righty QB."

With Brister utilizing his new found ambidexterity, and running ability, the Steeler offense kept Pitt's defense off balance. "Yeah, Phil [Bennett] and I were thrown through a loop on that one, kinda like on one of those roller coasters at Kennywood. I like it there, good french fries...speaking of which, they didn't put enough on my Capicola sammitch here." Despite the work of Brister, the Pitt defense adjusted. As did the Primanti's staff, getting Wannstedt his extra fries and an IC Light on the house for the error.

Equally as unexpected was the re-emergence of Terry Bradshaw in the Steeler offense. "Now Terry is a Hall of Famer for a reason, plus he was really funny in that 'Failure to Launch' movie and in that Toby Keith music video," said Wannstedt. "He made some nice throws out there, and I guess he got himself a nice hair transplant because he's got a full mop." The two Louisiana natives split time running the Steeler offense, with Brister getting the nod for most of the second half. "They also had [Ben] Roethlisberger and [Neil] O'Donnell on their roster as well, so they must've really gone all out with their free agency signings this week in preparation for us. Why didn't they cover this on the Tunch and Wolf show?"

Another interesting development came after the game had ended. Wannstedt admittedly made a faux pas when meeting the opposing head coach at mid-field. "I thought Mike Tomlin was black, it really surprised me to see a middle-aged white guy walking to me and acting like the head coach. I'll have to watch Stan Savran on Sportsbeat to figure out what the hell is going on." Last game, Wannstedt was stunned to find himself shaking the hand of a black Marv Levy from Buffalo. Sources indicate that Steelers owner and chairman Dan Rooney intends to investigate the matter thoroughly.

Butt Rock Friday - Iowa Edition

We at Panther Rants know good and damn well that Nirvana is far from butt rock. For starters, it's the wrong decade entirely. Secondly, you never see some guy on the roof of his house, installing new shingles, with Nirvana blasting out of his 1988 Panasonic boom box with the bent antenna and paint stains. But the truth is, we could think of no better song to welcome Iowa with, given their recent legal troubles.

So here's Nirvana with "Rape Me," a pretty damn appropriate song given what non-conference BCS teams have done to Pitt at Heinz Field since...well, the move to Heinz Field.

Best Damn WLAT Show Period

Sponsored By:




Walt: Hello Everyone! Welcome to the "BEST DAMN WLAT SHOW" period! We have a great show for you tonight. We have two new co-hosts to the show. We're also back at Denny's and we have a nice booth set up here.

Kevan Barlow: We also have a new logo as well. I love it.

Walt: Yeah, the Pitt people we hired procrastinated in making us a logo for the show. It goes to show the apple doesn't fall far from the tree when it comes to show logos, team logos, merchandise, uniforms, etc. Anyways Kevan, introduce our two new co-hosts.

Kevan: Our first co-host is a Pitt legend or at least some people think he is. He was the golden boy, the first guy to throw five touchdowns at Notre Dame, and a guy who said he'd run his mom over. Give it up for Tyler Palko!

( crowd applause )

Tyler Palko: Thanks for inviting me on the show.

Kevan: Dude, why do you keep checking your cellphone?

Tyler: To see if anyone needs an "arm". Some practice squad should be calling me soon.

Kevan: It ain't happening. If they need an arm, they'll call the drummer from Def Leppard before they'll call you.

Walt: You know, that guy is a really good drummer. We need a band on this show. He could be the band leader.

Kevan: I thought you invited Kool and the Gang?

Walt: I did, but you remember that scene from Animal House?

Kevan: Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates?

Walt: Exactly. Like Otis Day, they don't know who I am now. Then again, we should head to Carlow after this and find us some women.

Kevan: Speaking of that, I know someone who may need that help. Ladies and Gentlemen, our new co-host, Mr. Tyre Young!

Tyre Young: Thanks for having me as co-host. It's great to be on this show.

Kevan: Well we needed a Michael Strahan for the show. I mean you were a mean defensive player with his share of women problems. The only problem is Mike's not broke like you.

Tyre: What's this me having problems finding women? How did you guys know?

Kevan: Well, it's no big secret. We found this page about you on the web.

Walt: When you're posted on dontdatehimgirl.com, you know you're going to have women troubles. And what's this about making it the NFL? You told your women this?

Tyre: Well, I did leave IUP early because I figured I didn't have much else to accomplish....

Walt: Well...it's only IUP. I can't see what you can accomplish there.

Palko: You left IUP a year early? IUP???? Are you serious?

Tyre: Hey Palko, I saw what Kevan did to you the last show. I can do the same thing you know.
( Palko hides behind Kevan's chair. )

Kevan: It's ok, Tyler. I'll make sure big bad Tyre doesn't get to you.

Walt: I'm not sure about that, Tyler. If it was Nick Goings in that chair, I'd feel more safe.

Kevan: F*** You......

Walt: So Tyre, did you make it to the NFL?

Tyre: No, but I still check my cellphone every hour.

Kevan: I just had this same conversation with Tyler. You both need to let it go.

Walt: Yeah, Kevan "let it go" many times in his career.

( Palko sits back in this chair )

Palko: I don't what I'm worried about. Tyre isn't going to do anything.

Kevan: He may shoot your ass

Palko: No he'll just shoot himself on the way over to me!

( Palko, Barlow, and Young scuffle )

Walt: Well, we're going to have to end this show on a bad note. It was a bad show tonight and I think our team had an issue with preparation. Sometimes you write a script and it just doesn't work. We'll see you next week as I try to make this show into a big time ratings contender. Ladies, remember if your man tries to say he's going to be in the NFL....always take it account that he left a PSAC school early. In other words, don't date him girl!

Former Iowa Coach Discusses Pitt Game

Ames, Iowa: We caught up with former Iowa head football coach and legend of the program, Hayden Fox today. We questioned the coach about his relationship with the Iowa program. "I coached there for 20 years and am still very active in the Ames community. We were fortunate enough to go to 14 bowl games so there's a lot of fond memories for the fans, myself and the community."

The topic turned to the current squad. Fox stated, "The team is really coming on after a couple of years where expectations were not met. It's always tough to maintain a high level of performance year in and year out in such a strong conference." Fry described that playing heavyweights such as Minnesota and Wisconsin State make for a difficult slate. "Those are our traditional rivals so it's always a dogfight."

When asked about his fondest memories as a head coach, Fox points to his experience with Heisman trophy finalist, Chuck Short, back in 1985. It was a magical run and everyone had a lot of fun with it. I said once that he was destined for greatness and I think that really bore out in his NFL career."

When asked for a prediction for this week's game, you could still hear some resentment about his transition out of the program. Fox elaborated, "I still think that Pitt is going down. Kirk is a great coach even though Luther Van Dam should have gotten a more serious look to take over for me."

Big Game Aftermath

Blawnox (PR) Ahhh! Finally, back to civilization. After my initial report of the big game, I promised to do a follow up of the tailgating, the game itself and the celebration or sorrow that immediately followed the final whistle.

Tailgating:

I have to admit it folks; the Hawkeye faithful really have clung to trying to imitate the Steeler Nation. They are hardcore partiers and they eat like a kid with Prater Willi syndrome.

I stopped by several tailgates throughout the morning. John Saxson of Cedar Rapids, a longtime Black and Gold Fan, said, “who are you rootin’ for man?” When I told him that I was a reporter from Pittsburgh covering the big game and that I was in fact cheering for the Hawkeyes, he was elated. Miller Lite was being thrown my way as well as steaks, potatoes and of course corn. And I mean lots of corn. Mr. Saxson just wanted to know if there were any farms around the Pittsburgh area that I could hook him up with.

Megan Murray of Iowa City showed me use 97 and 98 of the 101 things Iowa women do with corn. WOW, and I thought yinzer women were skanks. Good show though, and now I know where the word corn hole came about. You just have to love the Hawkeye girls.

The Big Game:

Thank God for the rain, and this drunk who kept blowing chunks from his nose. Those were the only things that kept me awake. Iowa State is just plain bad. Coaching stinks and the players are sub par. Iowa has some very talented players, no doubt about it. They have a running back that although he has a hard time reading and writing, is big, strong and fast. He is hard to bring down. Kirk”don’t call me Kurt” Ferentz plays as close to the vest offensively as Wannstache. So I am anticipating a 13-10 ballgame on Saturday.

We Pitt fans thought that our River City Rivalry trophy was hideous. The CyHawk trophy is downright embarrassing. This thing looks like a plastic trophy that is handed out at midget league banquets. It was also very flimsy with the top being broken off at one point of the celebration festivities.

Post Game and Celebration:

Again, going back to Megan Murray and her showing us some interesting things to do with corn; it appears as if some male students and student athletes just couldn’t contain themselves in the post game celebration. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but geesh guys, you could have at least waited until you get back to your barns.

Downtown celebration was pretty fun. I have to give credit, they partied all night. I ended up at Miss Iowa’s apartment where I was stationed until Wednesday.

Thanks Miss Iowa. I understand why you didn’t want me to leave. I know its hard to find someone in Iowa that doesn’t have manure on their boots and doesn’t think that fine dining is an Arby’s, but I did have a nice time with you. I’ll see you Friday night for a nice long weekend.

The Pick-Six Watch

September 30, 2006.....what is the significance of this date? Let's look at some information gathered:

1. Pitt played and beat Toldeo ( yes, we know )
2. The game was on a Saturday ( yes, we know )
3. Palko had a nice game ( yep )
4. Pitt was 4-1 after this win ( you don't get it, do you?

All of these are good points to bring up. There's not much that needs re-visited from that dreadful 2006 season. There was a lot of expectations and hope for a bowl trip. That's what you'd expect from a 6-1 start. Then came the Rutgers game and everything went downhill. The UConn game was the icing on the cake. So what is significant about the 2006 season that carries to the 2008 season?

That game was the last time the Pitt defense had an interception returned for a touchdown. That person was Gus Mustakas. Darrelle Revis had a pick-six against Cincinnati two weeks before. He's in the NFL. Clint Sessions had one against UVA. He's in the NFL. I'm not sure about a fumble returned for a touchdown. I don't have time to look that up either. I went all the way back to 2004 and can't find any record of a fumble returned for a TD. So on Panther Rants, we present: The Pick Six Watch

Contestants

1. Aaron Berry

Berry had two interceptions last year, but he has yet to get on the board for this season. Height-wise, he's not bad. He also has speed and the ability to lock down on receivers. Right now, he's the favorite .

Odds: 25-1

2. Jovanni Chappel

Jovanni is in a full time role at cornerback this year. He's a little on the short side, but he's supposedly quick as well. Right now, he's second on the list...unless Buddy Jackson takes his job.

Odds: 50-1

3. Elijah Fields

Elijah is going to get more playing time. He would be second on the odds-makers' list, but he's sharing his role with Dom Decicco. Elijah has the height and game-breaking speed to return one for a touchdown. It just depends if he can catch on playing defense and not have to be pulled for
Dom Decicco. He also has to deal with playing alongside Eric Thatcher.

Odds: 100-1

4. Eric Thatcher

Eric is more known his hitting than his ability to defend. Then again, he hasn't done much hitting as of late. He was torched last week against Buffalo for a TD. If you got money to burn and want to make a high-risk bet, here you go.

Odds: 400-1

Women of Pittsburgh Given Evacuation Notice

The City of Pittsburgh, Allegheny County, and all surrounding counties has issued an evacuation notice to all "yinzer" women between the ages of 25-40. This comes from a recent article from the AP of Iowa farmers abusing pigs. A video from the article can be found here. This matter is being investigated.

A separate investigation has been conducted in Iowa where the world's largest truck stop is located. Rumors that men in University of Iowa apparel were seen loading up eighteen-wheelers full of Camel Cigarettes and cases of beer from Coors Light to Michelob Ultra. Pittsburgh women loves this kind of beer because it helps them with weight loss...or so they say. They also like to smoke as well.

The city fears the women may be lured in because the Iowa Hawkeyes apparel is similar to the apparel of the Pittsburgh Steelers. The women may think it's a Steeler home game where Iowa fans will lure this type of prey into their big rigs:


The City of Pittsburgh released this statement:

"The women of Pittsburgh ages 25-40 are to known that the recent incidents involving Iowa farmers abusing pigs may involve them. We set the age limit to twenty-five because that's when yinzer women start going downhill. We have a fear they may be lured by the black and gold of Iowa. Who knows what may happen to them, but maybe we can replace them with more hot chicks. Be sure to notify any yinzer women in the area. Some may be obese, some may wear shirts too sizes too small exposing that beer gut from all the light beer they like to drink. "