Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Rantings and Reflections

Coach Cav's Playbook Revealed!

Our Sources down at the UPMC Sports Complex were able to get a copy of Matt Cavanaugh's playbook. They were "shocked" say the least. Hell, we were too. Below is a copy of Matt Cavanaugh's playbook:

Our sources found printouts of plays from Tecmo Super Bowl in Matt's play book. We are still wondering if this is the actual playbook because some of these plays are more daring than what Matt would call.

Players Awards

Player of the game:
Quarterback Bill Stull.

Stull was heroic in his performance against Bowling Green. He managed around 260 yards on 29/51 passing behind an offensive line that had more gaping holes than a hooker on a busy night. He also did this in an offense that likes to throw five yard passes.

Milk Carton Player of the game: Elijah Fields and Greg Cross. While Dom Decicco was being bullied by Bowling Green's offense, Elijah was on the bench. There were reports that Fields would be "utilized" more. Elijah was utilized by most likely handing out gatorade to the players. Greg Cross was never used as well. His ability to throw accurately has been questioned, but at least they could have used his feet in some situations.

Honorable Mention: Lucas Nix and Jonathan Baldwin. While Joe Thomas was doing his best impressing of Tony Mandarich, he was on the bench as well. Baldwin wasn't used a whole lot and probably would have been a better option than Oderick Turner. Oderick will most likely catch a touchdown pass next week when Pitt is down late by three touchdowns and will tell the remaining 15 students in attendance to be quiet.

Fans of the game: The student section. They came out in good numbers for this game. Students showing up usually seems to be an issue, but you can now see why they don't show up. Most of them have to deal with this their whole time at Pitt. This comedy show cut into their drinking time at Garage Door Saloon, Hemingways, Peter's Pub, or at some house on Atwood.

If they wanted to see something like this, they would have stayed at home and watched freshmen try their first keg stands.

Positives from the Game

Here are some positive items from the game:

1. Pitt was up 14-0
2. Larod Stephens played well.
3. Ribfest was in town
4. Free Chick-Fil-A sandwiches
5. The Gyro Stand makes good gyros.
6. Pitt Band's Bon Jovi performance
7. The women on the dance team
8. The coeds looked pretty good.
9. Some fans saved money on their travel expenses for the season.
10. Pitt's Big East record is still 0-0.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Panthers' Upset Bid Falls Short

At halftime, you could hear the song "Living On a Prayer" blasting from the instruments of the Pitt Band. How ironic that this was playing on hopes of Pitt upsetting MAC powerhouse Bowling Green. For the second half, Pitt had to hold on to what they had. It didn't make a difference if they made it or not. They had each other.

The excitement was built when Pitt jump-started to a 14-0 lead with a LeSean McCoy touchdown run and a touchdown pass to Derek Kinder. Pitt also had big runs from Larod Stephens and the defense kept Bowling Green's spread offense in check. Pitt's plan was simple: keep the playcalling vanilla-like and let the game rest on the defense.

The excitement would come to halt when Bowling Green marched down the field to cut the lead to 14-7. They would add another touchdown, but Pitt's offense came roaring back. They marched down the field, and kicked a field goal to go into halftime with the lead. There was adequate time to take shots at the end zone, but Pitt's staff felt it wasn't a good idea against a team like Bowling Green.

After a heroic first half, any Pitt fan who had dreams of an upset were awaken when Bowling Green scored another touchdown to make it 20-17. Pitt's offense had one last charge in them to take the lead, but those hopes were dashed when Bowling Green recovered a fumble after Pitt crossed midfield. Bowling Green then put the nail in the coffin when they sacked Bill Stull to force a fumble. They scored two plays later. There was no hope of a comeback.

This loss hurts for Pitt, but it gives them optimism for next week against Buffalo. Buffalo crushed UTEP on Thursday night, and they seem up and coming. This could be another potential opportunity for the Panthers to pull off an upset. They'll just need to stop Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas.

If you are a true Pitt fan...

...then you must absolutely, unequivocally support the petition to FIRE DAVE WANNSTEDT.

Voice your support for this most honorable of causes in the "Comments" section.

Wannstedt must go.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Foge Fazio Interview

Pittsburgh (PR)
We would like to welcome one Serafino "Foge" Fazio to the studio. The one time assistant coach and head coach for the Pittsburgh Panthers.
PR: Welcome Foge.
FF: Hello guys, it's sure been one helluva year hasn't it.
PR: You bet it has Foge, let's get started. How do you feel about your new gig with the Panthers?
FF: Well, first of all I just want to thank your staff from digging me up and finding an old fossil like myself. It seems the Pitt Administration has been trying to get me for the last 4 years but until they saw my reports for this site they just couldn't reach me. So, I just wanted to say thanks for everything Panther Rants. As far as the the new gig, they(Pitt admin) wanted to instill some life with their color commentary. My ole buddy Fralic is kinda like, well Frankenstein. Once they saw my work here, I didn't even have to interview for the job.
PR: Let's switch gears slightly, do you have any regrets about your days as head coach?
FF: Well, sure I mean I could have been still coaching at Pitt, but, well I made Larry Eustachy look like a saint. I mean, Pitt football was a dominate force, Fralic, Congemi and my buddies er I mean my players were getting young coeds thrown their way left and right. Of course, I was their wing man and would get what they didn't want. Parties in South Oakland were out of control. And then, during practice, I was always distracted by Theresa Nuzzo. Have you seen her wow!
PR: What do you think of the upcoming season? Does the stache finally get over the hump?
FF: Well, he has more talent than any Pitt team since well, mine in the 80's and you saw how that turned out. Hehehaaheeha! Anyway, he will turn the corner expect 9-10 wins.
PR: Couple of quick questions..
PR: Boxers or Briefs?
FF: Commando baby. The only way to go, unless your Paterno. That old coot wears now wears Depends.
PR: Sopranos or Corleones?
FF: As far as Italians go I would take the Sopranos. Much more realistic of an everyday mafia family or so I am told.. Wink Wink.
PR: Worst Pitt Coach ever?
FF: That's tough, there were so many but I throw myself up there, just because you guys gave me that NTAC award last year. Hackett sucked though!
PR: DC or Marvel Comics?
FF: I don't know Batman is fantastic for DC, but I am a Pittsburgh guy so I kind of like the Iron Man.
PR: Favorite Dish?
FF: Theresa N, er uhmm... Spaghetti with Sauce and Meatballs.
PR: Well coach, good luck, we will be listening to your riveting color commentary this season. Please just keep talking over old #79 and Let's Go Pitt!
FF: Thanks Guys again for helping an old guy out, I enjoy speaking with you and will check back in throughout the season.

Eating WLATIES with Walt

Hello Ladieth and Gentlemen!

Welcome to my new syndicated show on Panther Rants network. This show will be hosted, you know, every week at Denny's in Blawnox. The show is sponsored by my new cereal 'WLATIES'. The logo is completely done. In fact, the people who designed the Pitt logos designed my cereal box. It should be done by end of football seathon. We will have some special gueths on every week. If you're wondering why there's some 'th' in my words, it's not spell check. It's how I actually thound. Right now, we have received some emails in our mailbag, so lets take a look:

Dear Walt,

My wife and I are having problems in the bedroom. After a couple of kids, she put on some weight. We haven't been intimate in a while and she's felt bored. She even took a second job working as a waitress at some eatery. Is there something wrong with our marriage? How do we get it back.


John Kolacwiskizy

Walt: John, I think I know your wi...err I mean I know what you are talking about. Right now, you and your family are like a team. You and your wife are on scholarship. In my experiences, sometimes there's walk-on that emerges and may take your spot. I know how you feel. I've been the walk-on. Don't worry about I thing, she is good handth.

Well it's good that's out of the way, so let' s make way for our first guest on the show. He was a star running back at Pitt, and spent some time in the pros. Give a round of applause for Kevan Barlow!!!!

( crowd applause, Kevan sits down refusing to shake Walt's hand )

Walt: Kevan, it's good to have you on the show. I remember watching you run at Pitt. Those were some good times!

Kevan: Just like that time I ran against Iowa State in 2000.

Walt: Well you had over 100 yardth, right?

Kevan: Yeah they couldn't stop me, and we had them beat. That's until we started throwing the football. That deep ball to Antonio Bryant only works so many times.

Walt: Well Iowa State did some things we didn't expect. Sometimeth we run playth and they don't work.

Kevan: Also like that time you didn't use me against Syracuse.

Walt: Well you can blame Troy Nunes. He's an abtholute magician.

Kevan: Whatever.

Walt: Kevan, you seem upset....why?

Kevan: Seriously dude, Nick Goings?!? Are you kidding me? Nick F'in Goings? You played Nick Goings over me?

Walt: Well...

Kevan: The guy wasn't Curtis Martin or anything. Nick Goings?!? Are you dumb?

Walt: Dumb? Nick is still earning a NFL paycheck as of now.

Kevan: So the f*** what! Any idiot would have known I was the better choice.

Walt: Speaking of comparisonth, what team do you play for now, Kevan?


Walt: You haven't changed a bit. I knew Ray Kirkley would have been a better choice for our first guest.


( Kevan is being restrained by security )

Walt: Well that's it for today's show. Stay tuned next week for another great show!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Pre-season Predictions by Fat Zerp

2008 Conference Champs preview and BCS Matchups

ACC - Wake Forest. Clemson is the sexy pick, but like Pitt, they typically choke when anything is on the line. Sleeper - North Carolina. Why? Who the fuck else is there.

Fat10 - tOSU. They can't get blown out in the Titleman game without first blowing through the shittiest BCS conference in the country. Sleeper - Penn State. Paterno could die at any moment, which would mean an automatic coaching upgrade.

Big12 - Fatlahoma. Stoops will win the Big12 again just to lose to someone he shouldn't in the Festiva Blow Sleeper - Texas. Don't give me this Texas Teck shit. If Wlat taught us one thing, it is that teams that throw 7,000 times a game are destined for 8 wins.

Fat East - Souf Florida. They own WVU. They get Pitt at home. UConn sucks. Sleeper - Syracuse. They've been asleep for the last 5 years. Why wake up now?

SEC - Doesn't matter. WHoever wins it will beat tOSU by 40 in the titleman gayme. Sleeper - Baylor

Pac-10 - USC. Blah Blah Blah. They will miss out of the MNC game due to a loss to some slap team that doesn't deserve to be on the field with them.

WAC - Utah. What's this Mountain West shit? Sleeper - Baylor

MAC - Buffalo. Big win over Pitt will springboard them to an 8-4 year, which typically wins the MAC by three games. Sleeper - Marshall. No one else wants Pennington, so they will take him back.

C-USA - ? Didn't the Big East absorb them?

Sun Belt - Troy. They have taken every castoff from BCS teams they can get their hands on. Even if they lose, they will steal your wallet and do lines of coke of stripper tits. Sleeper - MTSU. They hung like 60 on Louisville not to long ago. Wait, so has everyone else not named Pitt.

Independents - Navy. Notre Dame will miss out of the Commander In Chiefs trophy for the second year in a row. Sleeper - Western Kentucky.

BCS games -

Rose - USC vs. Penn State. USC goes in at 11-1 (on loss to UC - Santa Cruz). In order to keep the Fat10-Pac-10 shit, the Rose Blow takes a 6-6 PSU team. USC-47 PSU-3

Orange - USF vs. Wake. This would be great if it were the International Blow, but what the fuck. Both Conferences need thrown out of the BCS. Wake-3 USF-2

Festiva - Fatlahoma vs. Utah. Let's see, Oklahoma vs. a crappy team in the Festiva Blow...... Utah - 45 Oklahoma (falls for the Statue of Liberty play again) - 44 OT

Sugar - Georgia vs. Notre Dame Notre Dame gets in with a 7-5 record. Notre Dame hasn't won a bowl game since 1942. Georgia - 55 Notre Dame - 3

Titleman Game - Auburn vs. tOSU. Do I need to elaborate? Terrelly Proyor and Beanie Wells miss the game because their school-issued Escalades Crash into each other. Auburn - 38 tOSU - 13

There ya go, Auburn will be your champs. Skye will gladly show her tits and all will be well in the world.

UPMC Announces Cancer Cure

Oakland -

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center made a breakthrough discovery today. Lead researcher, Dr. Jonas Goldberg stated that Pitt researchers have found a cure for skin cancer. "It was such a strange and random thing but so simple. When Lesean McCoy sweated on an Athletic Department trainer who had recently been diagnosed with 3 spots of skin cancer, miraculously, the condition improved. We collected 3 more vials and treated other patients with 100% remission. This is the biggest medical breakthrough since we discovered that masturbation does not in fact create blindness."

Obviously there is much more studying to be done but it is in deed true: Lesean McCoy is a miracle worker both on the field and in the lab. Dr. Goldberg further commented. "We're certainly exploring all options with Lesean. Under current study is that his flatulence completely eliminates Rosacea and Irritable Wlat Syndrome (IWS)."

Monday, August 4, 2008

Local Pitt Fan Betrayed By Wife Over Mysterious Indiana Jones Spoon

Pittsburgh, PA --- A local Pitt fan was betrayed by his wife today in her efforts to prevent the local Pitt fan from acquiring all three Indiana Jones Glowing Spoons. Knowing that the local Pitt fan already had the Red Glowing Ant Spoon hidden away and was expecting receipt of the Yellow Glowing Skull Spoon in the mail, the Pitt fan’s wife knew it was only a matter of time before he would acquire the third Green Snake Spoon. Had this been accomplished, all three spoons would have been united for the first time, making it likely that the Pitt Fan would have garnered the ability to control the world. In fact, the Pitt fan knew the whereabouts of the Green Snake Spoon, which was recently stolen from him by the devious bride and given to the Pitt Fan’s children because “they were getting upset”. The local Pitt Fan had located the stolen bounty, and was simply biding his time to take back his rightful treasure in anticipation of receipt of the third and final Yellow Skull Spoon. Unfortunately, when the Yellow spoon arrived in the Pitt fan’s absence, it too was quickly delivered to the children, thus irresponsibly giving them two spoons and potential powers well beyond their ability to control given their tender years. The local Pitt fan speculated that the wife feared that if he gained the supernatural power provided by the acquisition of all three spoons, he would have commanded her to accept the superiority of the upgraded clock radio which was purchased a few months ago over the dusty old relic of a clock radio to which she still desperately clings.