UPMC Announces Cancer Cure

Oakland -

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center made a breakthrough discovery today. Lead researcher, Dr. Jonas Goldberg stated that Pitt researchers have found a cure for skin cancer. "It was such a strange and random thing but so simple. When Lesean McCoy sweated on an Athletic Department trainer who had recently been diagnosed with 3 spots of skin cancer, miraculously, the condition improved. We collected 3 more vials and treated other patients with 100% remission. This is the biggest medical breakthrough since we discovered that masturbation does not in fact create blindness."

Obviously there is much more studying to be done but it is in deed true: Lesean McCoy is a miracle worker both on the field and in the lab. Dr. Goldberg further commented. "We're certainly exploring all options with Lesean. Under current study is that his flatulence completely eliminates Rosacea and Irritable Wlat Syndrome (IWS)."