Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Pre-season Predictions by Fat Zerp
2008 Conference Champs preview and BCS Matchups
ACC - Wake Forest. Clemson is the sexy pick, but like Pitt, they typically choke when anything is on the line. Sleeper - North Carolina. Why? Who the fuck else is there.
Fat10 - tOSU. They can't get blown out in the Titleman game without first blowing through the shittiest BCS conference in the country. Sleeper - Penn State. Paterno could die at any moment, which would mean an automatic coaching upgrade.
Big12 - Fatlahoma. Stoops will win the Big12 again just to lose to someone he shouldn't in the Festiva Blow Sleeper - Texas. Don't give me this Texas Teck shit. If Wlat taught us one thing, it is that teams that throw 7,000 times a game are destined for 8 wins.
Fat East - Souf Florida. They own WVU. They get Pitt at home. UConn sucks. Sleeper - Syracuse. They've been asleep for the last 5 years. Why wake up now?
SEC - Doesn't matter. WHoever wins it will beat tOSU by 40 in the titleman gayme. Sleeper - Baylor
Pac-10 - USC. Blah Blah Blah. They will miss out of the MNC game due to a loss to some slap team that doesn't deserve to be on the field with them.
WAC - Utah. What's this Mountain West shit? Sleeper - Baylor
MAC - Buffalo. Big win over Pitt will springboard them to an 8-4 year, which typically wins the MAC by three games. Sleeper - Marshall. No one else wants Pennington, so they will take him back.
C-USA - ? Didn't the Big East absorb them?
Sun Belt - Troy. They have taken every castoff from BCS teams they can get their hands on. Even if they lose, they will steal your wallet and do lines of coke of stripper tits. Sleeper - MTSU. They hung like 60 on Louisville not to long ago. Wait, so has everyone else not named Pitt.
Independents - Navy. Notre Dame will miss out of the Commander In Chiefs trophy for the second year in a row. Sleeper - Western Kentucky.
BCS games -
Rose - USC vs. Penn State. USC goes in at 11-1 (on loss to UC - Santa Cruz). In order to keep the Fat10-Pac-10 shit, the Rose Blow takes a 6-6 PSU team. USC-47 PSU-3
Orange - USF vs. Wake. This would be great if it were the International Blow, but what the fuck. Both Conferences need thrown out of the BCS. Wake-3 USF-2
Festiva - Fatlahoma vs. Utah. Let's see, Oklahoma vs. a crappy team in the Festiva Blow...... Utah - 45 Oklahoma (falls for the Statue of Liberty play again) - 44 OT
Sugar - Georgia vs. Notre Dame Notre Dame gets in with a 7-5 record. Notre Dame hasn't won a bowl game since 1942. Georgia - 55 Notre Dame - 3
Titleman Game - Auburn vs. tOSU. Do I need to elaborate? Terrelly Proyor and Beanie Wells miss the game because their school-issued Escalades Crash into each other. Auburn - 38 tOSU - 13
There ya go, Auburn will be your champs. Skye will gladly show her tits and all will be well in the world.