Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Eating WLATIES with Walt
Hello Ladieth and Gentlemen!
Welcome to my new syndicated show on Panther Rants network. This show will be hosted, you know, every week at Denny's in Blawnox. The show is sponsored by my new cereal 'WLATIES'. The logo is completely done. In fact, the people who designed the Pitt logos designed my cereal box. It should be done by end of football seathon. We will have some special gueths on every week. If you're wondering why there's some 'th' in my words, it's not spell check. It's how I actually thound. Right now, we have received some emails in our mailbag, so lets take a look:
My wife and I are having problems in the bedroom. After a couple of kids, she put on some weight. We haven't been intimate in a while and she's felt bored. She even took a second job working as a waitress at some eatery. Is there something wrong with our marriage? How do we get it back.
Walt: John, I think I know your wi...err I mean I know what you are talking about. Right now, you and your family are like a team. You and your wife are on scholarship. In my experiences, sometimes there's walk-on that emerges and may take your spot. I know how you feel. I've been the walk-on. Don't worry about I thing, she is good handth.
Well it's good that's out of the way, so let' s make way for our first guest on the show. He was a star running back at Pitt, and spent some time in the pros. Give a round of applause for Kevan Barlow!!!!
( crowd applause, Kevan sits down refusing to shake Walt's hand )
Walt: Kevan, it's good to have you on the show. I remember watching you run at Pitt. Those were some good times!
Kevan: Just like that time I ran against Iowa State in 2000.
Walt: Well you had over 100 yardth, right?
Kevan: Yeah they couldn't stop me, and we had them beat. That's until we started throwing the football. That deep ball to Antonio Bryant only works so many times.
Walt: Well Iowa State did some things we didn't expect. Sometimeth we run playth and they don't work.
Kevan: Also like that time you didn't use me against Syracuse.
Walt: Well you can blame Troy Nunes. He's an abtholute magician.
Walt: Kevan, you seem upset....why?
Kevan: Seriously dude, Nick Goings?!? Are you kidding me? Nick F'in Goings? You played Nick Goings over me?
Kevan: The guy wasn't Curtis Martin or anything. Nick Goings?!? Are you dumb?
Walt: Dumb? Nick is still earning a NFL paycheck as of now.
Kevan: So the f*** what! Any idiot would have known I was the better choice.
Walt: Speaking of comparisonth, what team do you play for now, Kevan?
Kevan: WILL YOU STOP LISPING?!?
Walt: You haven't changed a bit. I knew Ray Kirkley would have been a better choice for our first guest.
Kevan: I'M GONNA KICK YOUR....
( Kevan is being restrained by security )
Walt: Well that's it for today's show. Stay tuned next week for another great show!