Panther Rants is The Onion of Pitt Sports. Formerly a serious recruiting blog written by a serious recruiting writer, the site was taken over by mediocre bloggers that provide satire, sarcasm and anything but serious information. Everything on this site is tongue-in-cheek and is not meant for serious consumption.

Monday, October 20, 2008

SLAP 10!

Another weekend of College Football has went by, and there weren't as many bitchups this time around. It was just the usual gang of slaps doing what they do best: Giving us all something to poke fun at or to complain about.

Before we start, we sadly announce the retirement of Clemson from the SLAP 10. Clemson bitched up so bad, Tommy Bowden offered his resignation. The only people that seem to be happy about it are the fans and their quarterback along with his daddy. I didn't know Anthony Morelli gained another year of eligibility.

So here's the honor roll for this week:

10. San Diego State

Look, we needed ten teams for this poll. After all, you had over 60 points racked on you. It's far cry from almost beating ND. Its a shame you didn't because they're still in the BCS hunt.

9. Washington State

We didn't know you guys still played football. Glad to see you're still around. It could be worse. Ty Willingham could be your coach.


I think Tulsa just scored another touchdown on you. Is Mike Price still hanging out at the strip clubs? I know he's gotta be loving it in Texas.

7. Buffalo

I guess we could put all those Turner Gill coaching rumors away.

6. Cal

I think it's best you avoid the Top 25 polls for while. Every time you're ranked, you seem to do something to get yourself kicked out of the polls. Enjoy being second to USC, UCLA will be passing you by in a year or two.

5. Boston Red Sox are our honorary non-football guest. Great season and great comeback. This fall hasn't been too kind for you. First, Tom Brady goes down. Now, you lose to the Devil Rays. I imagine Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are spooning in bed sobbing in tears. I can hardly wait for the Bill Simmons article where he compares this loss to some other Boston team choking with some pop culture references.

4. Michigan Teams in the FAT 10

Bad weekend for you guys. Let's recap:

-- Michigan State's battle with OSU lasted a little longer than Mike Tyson's opponents in the 80's. You guys were in it after the opening kickoff. I mean the Battle of San Jacinto lasted longer than this game. That battle lasted 18 minutes. After that, USA won the state of Texas. Just imagine if you'd made some plays. You could have had the Big Ten title....maybe. Somewhere, Mike Valenti had to be crying in the stands.

-- As for Michigan, DickRod has a 17-7 lead and basically drops eight back to let Penn State run the ball down the field to make it 17-14 lead into halftime. To make things better, you change quarterbacks. You must be begging for a buyout. I enjoy seeing you make that classic "DickRod Face" after every bitchup.

3. BYU

One Utah team down, another one left to go.......

2. UConn

Sounds like your kicker is suffering from the Mcafee Syndrome. Three missed field goals? Thanks for giving Rutgers a lot of confidence as they head to Heinz Field this Saturday.

1. SEC Officials

This South Carolina-LSU game reminded me of that part from the movie "Mr Mom". Michael Keaton has to attend a party for his wife's work that happens to be at her boss' mansion. They have a little obstacle race. During the race, the other contestants are tackling Michael Keaton so he won't win.

This is almost similar to that. There's a reason we shouldn't complain that the SEC doesn't play up North. This is one of them. Next thing you know, they'll have snipers in the stands.

No comments: